I ran across this article, Everybody farts. But here are 9 surprising facts about flatulence you may not know. I doubted I'd learn anything from it, but was surprised. Did you know most farts are odorless?
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(Score: 2) by dyingtolive on Wednesday December 10 2014, @11:20AM
that I saw this one crazy trick for improving your credit score.
Don't blame me, I voted for moose wang!
(Score: 4, Funny) by chromas on Wednesday December 10 2014, @11:57AM
Get your community to submit stuff they like with this one weird trick Dice doesn't want you to know about!
(Score: 2) by Gaaark on Wednesday December 10 2014, @06:18PM
...at band camp!
--- Please remind me if I haven't been civil to you: I'm channeling MDC. ---Gaaark 2.0 ---
(Score: 2) by dyingtolive on Wednesday December 10 2014, @08:31PM
Well, yeah, that too.
Don't blame me, I voted for moose wang!
(Score: 2) by CoolHand on Wednesday December 10 2014, @01:15PM
Farting is a beautiful thing...
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job-Douglas Adams
(Score: 2) by khakipuce on Wednesday December 10 2014, @01:20PM
Kids are like farts...
you can only stand your own
(Score: 5, Informative) by wonkey_monkey on Wednesday December 10 2014, @01:27PM
But here are 9 surprising facts about flatulence you may not know.
There's a ton of dead space on the page below this two-line summary that could have been filled up by actually listing the facts:
1) You produce about 500 to 1500 milliliters of gas per day, and expel it in 10 to 20 farts
2) 99 percent of the gas you produce does not smell
3) Gum and soda can make you fart more
4) Farting is the result of a healthy, complex ecosystem in your intestines
5) There's a simple reason why you don't mind the smell of your own farts [you get used to it]
6) Yes, you can light a fart on fire
7) No, you can't hold a fart in until it disappears
8) Beano [over-the-counter product] cuts down on gas production by starving [fart producing] bacteria
9) Starving your fart-producing bacteria is not a good idea
So there you go.
systemd is Roko's Basilisk
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 10 2014, @01:51PM
Oblig: beans beans they're good for your heart...
(Score: 2) by mcgrew on Wednesday December 10 2014, @03:15PM
According to TFA, yes. Most of the rest of the old fart sayings are bullshit. "He who smelt it dealt it"? bovine excrement. "The silent ones are deadly?" Also bullshit.
mcgrewbooks.com mcgrew.info nooze.org
(Score: 1) by ghost on Wednesday December 10 2014, @02:58PM
(Score: 1) by Buck Feta on Wednesday December 10 2014, @03:54PM
1) You produce about 500 to 1500 milliliters of gas per day, and expel it in 10 to 20 farts
2) 99 percent of the gas you produce does not smell
The author needs to meet my brother-in-law.
- fractious political commentary goes here -
(Score: 2) by tangomargarine on Wednesday December 10 2014, @04:08PM
Did you know most farts are odorless?
99 percent of the gas you produce does not smell
99% of the gas being a big difference from 99% of the farts. Even with only 1% of the gas being odorful, in sufficient volume it will still be noticeable.
"Is that really true?" "I just spent the last hour telling you to think for yourself! Didn't you hear anything I said?"
(Score: 2) by mcgrew on Thursday December 11 2014, @02:01PM
TFA says that most FARTS are odorless. They don't stink unless you've eaten something that puts sulfur in your gut; that smell is hydrogen sulfide.
mcgrewbooks.com mcgrew.info nooze.org
(Score: 2) by tangomargarine on Thursday December 11 2014, @03:19PM
Then I guess I'm curious what kind of diet allows one to do that, since I sure as hell do not have odorless farts 99% of the time.
"Is that really true?" "I just spent the last hour telling you to think for yourself! Didn't you hear anything I said?"
(Score: 2) by mcgrew on Friday December 12 2014, @02:18PM
Like TFA says, most of the time you fart you don't even know you farted. I'm guessing that compounds that produce stinky farts just produce more gas more quickly.
mcgrewbooks.com mcgrew.info nooze.org
(Score: 1) by kanweg on Wednesday December 10 2014, @04:32PM
"No, you can't hold a fart in until it disappears
However, this isn't actually possible. It might seem to vanish because you stop being conscious of it, and it leaks out gradually, but the physics of flatulence are pretty straightforward. A fart is a bubble of gas, and there's ultimately nowhere for it to go besides out of your anus."
That is not necessarily true. There in all likelihood will be gas exchange between gut content and the intestines, thus with the blood and thus to the lungs. So, it could disappear.
Bert
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday December 11 2014, @07:05AM
When a Southern girl says she "has the vapors", it means she needs to fart.
-- gewg_
(Score: 2) by mcgrew on Thursday December 11 2014, @01:59PM
There is, of course, much more in TFA than the list. Still, after I'd submitted it I wished I'd added commentary.
mcgrewbooks.com mcgrew.info nooze.org
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 10 2014, @02:13PM
http://cd.textfiles.com/ccbwindows94/WAVS/FARTS.ZIP [textfiles.com]
(Score: 2) by Common Joe on Thursday December 11 2014, @05:47AM
I don't know which AC posted this, but for those curious, it's a direct link to a zip file. Inside the zip is one executable and one wave file. The executable is supposedly some kind of DOS program with a 1993 date timestamp on it. I didn't bother playing the wave file. I certainly didn't run the executable.
(Score: 0, Interesting) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 10 2014, @02:25PM
THE ALARM FART.
This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It start
with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick
downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is
wrong. If it happens to you you will know right off why it is called the Alarm
Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.
THE AMPLIFIED FART.
This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than
from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So
will a plywood table, and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty
cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be
called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.
THE BATHTUB FART.
People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who
would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart
is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the
bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or
foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it.
Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a
ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends
somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. If it is one of
those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound
effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be
disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever
the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance
back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart, the most
positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly
group one unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your
friends.
THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART.
Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by
its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just
about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded
high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a
room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down.
It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart
like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest
Fart In The World is it size. Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting
like popcorn machines and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull
their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which
is rare even among your most serious farters.
THE BURNING BRAKES FART.
A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart,
occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who
farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes
and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a
chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been
left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.
THE CAR DOOR FART.
Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be
a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to
fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud
fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost
every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.
THE CELESTIAL FART.
Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply
any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in
a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be
compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or
cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no
odor at all. Very rare.
THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART.
This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number
and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is
all over it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one
can get applause. Uncommon.
THE CROWD FART.
The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough
to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the
fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and
starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though
something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.
THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART.
This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my
attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers
who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it
can be found.
THE DOG DID IT FART.
It is necessary for a dog to be around for this fart to occur. People
who fart and blame it on the dog when there is no dog within miles are making a
travesty of the whole fart identification business, which is difficult enough
as it is. This is always a silent fart but one with an odor you could blame on
a dog that was dead. The farter tries to blame it on the dog. He will even go
so far as to run the dog out of the house. Do not be fooled. When a dog farts
it will usually grunt too. It may even get up and walk away. This is what you
should do when you have identified a Dog Did It Fart. They are vile.
[...]
Read the complete text file here......http://cd.textfiles.com/thegreatunsorted/misc/fart.txt
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 10 2014, @11:30PM
Stay gassy, Ethanol.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Saturday December 13 2014, @02:48AM
how the fuck was this modded 'off-topic'?!
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 10 2014, @04:36PM
My father told me when the conversation turns to shit, it's time to leave.
(Score: 2) by Snotnose on Wednesday December 10 2014, @04:47PM
About a decade ago I started taking Lipitor. Good god my farts stunk! We're talking I didn't want to be in the same county as my own ass. A local mall had a glass elevator, one time I farted in it, walked out, turned around, and watched to poor people who didn't get the smell until the doors had closed and the elevator was in motion.
This lasted for about 6 months, my farts slowly went back to normal. It wasn't just my nose saying so, it was my wife and kids.
After a few years the doc switched me to a different statin. And the stinky farts came back. Same pattern, after about 6 months they went back to normal.
No point, just one man's experience with Lipitor.
When the dust settled America realized it was saved by a porn star.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by sjames on Wednesday December 10 2014, @10:18PM
My remaining question is that given a supply of those heat sealable plastic bags and an appropriate meal, can one successfully mail a fart in protest?
That would be a great way to mass protest rate increases, bad laws, unacceptable court decisions, etc.
(Score: 1, Offtopic) by Joe Desertrat on Thursday December 11 2014, @03:26AM
Beans, beans are good for your heart
The more you eat the more you fart
The more you fart the better you feel
so eat your beans at every meal.
Years ago my cousin and I hiked down the local railroad tracks (probably illegal to do so now). Far down the tracks at a road crossing we stopped for lunch in a little gazebo which used to house the manual gate operator (by then already automatic). Written on the wall was this little gem:
Here I sit, broken-hearted
Came to sh*t and only farted.
(Score: 2) by mcgrew on Thursday December 11 2014, @02:05PM
Those are older than I am, kid. That "broken hearted" one has been on shithouse walls for decades and decades.
mcgrewbooks.com mcgrew.info nooze.org
(Score: 1) by Wierd0n3 on Friday December 12 2014, @02:54AM
Heh, the version i grew up with is this one:
Beans! Beans! the Magical Fruit
the more you eat, the more you toot!
the more you toot, the better you feel!
so lets have beans for every meal.
(Score: 1) by iWantToKeepAnon on Thursday December 11 2014, @08:28PM
At a doctor's visit a man bragged that his farts were silent and odorless. The doc prescribed some pills and a return visit in a month. One month later the man went back to the doctor and asked, "What were in those pills doc? My farts now smell like hell!" The doctor replied, "Well that cleared up your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."
:))
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." -- Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy