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Individuals in polyamorous relationships report more commitment and investment with their primary partners and report more time spent on sex with their secondary partners, a new study authored by Western researchers has found.
While previous research suggests that consensually non-monogamous relationships do not significantly differ from monogamous relationships on a number of relationship-quality indicators, this is one of the first studies to examine potential differences in the relationship dynamics between an individual's multiple partners, said lead author Rhonda Balzarini, a PhD candidate in the Psychology.
The authors asked 1,308 people in online questionnaires (drawn from polyamorous affinity groups on social media) about the dynamics of their polyamorous relationships.
"The study suggests people who are 'primary' partners – those who share a household and finances, for example – experience greater commitment and investment in the relationship. However, the secondary partnership experiences greater proportion of time spent on sex, and this remains a factor even when we account for relationship length and living arrangements," she said.
Does this explain why kings and sultans had harems?
(Score: 4, Informative) by krait6 on Friday June 30 2017, @04:12AM (3 children)
I've had a polyamorous relationship with my current partner for > 10 years now. I had dated her years prior, then later had several monogamous relationships where I discovered that my partner had cheated on me, or was now dating someone else at the same time without telling me. Note: in the version of polyamory I'm practicing, that's still cheating. (i.e. I'm not practicing "don't ask, don't tell", which is another version of polyamory -- and there are several other forms as well.)
The "big lessons" when it comes to "making poly work" has to do with understanding that relationships are seperate from one-another (one relationship breakup does not mandate the other break up, etc), handling feelings of jealousy, and having good communication with all of your partners. (Along with trust that all the partners in the chain won't cheat.) It's certainly not for everyone, but for me I find it more honest and more refreshing than any monogmous relationship I previously had. If my partner finds someone cute or wants to date them, that is not a reflection on me personally at all -- it has nothing to do with any kind of inadaquacy or not getting something "missing", it's about being attracted to the other person, and that's fine! ;-) That's something pleasing not something to be jealous of. It takes time (and some effort) to truly understand this.
There is the issue of "loosing time" with one's partner because they're busy with another, and so when new relationships start it is important to be mindful to maintain existing relationships at the same time rather than focus solely on the new relationship. But other than that it hasn't been a big concern.
I'm pointing this out because the article doesn't really delve into these details.
And again -- Poly isn't for everyone. If you like what you have, keep what you have. And I'll just mention, having a Poly relationship with someone who has other partners does not require that you have multiple partners -- they can have multiple partners and you can just have them. That seems to work fine too.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday June 30 2017, @04:51AM (2 children)
Not all men/women are wired the same way, whether due to upbringing, genetics, or past experiences.
That said, some people, both men AND women are wired for monogamy, and you need to sort that shit out early, because some people WILL lie about it in order to get an 'in' with you, then start pushing the monogamy later. I had that happen with an ex who started as a fuck buddy, but was really just trying to catch a man to live up to her family's expectations of her. We ended up dating a year and a half (the sex was amazing!), but religion, family involvement, and the monogamy/marital commitment stuff eventually did it in (neither of us were in a position for it financially, educationally, or socially at that point.)
Ensuring you start with, and maintain open and honest communication is VERY important for *ANY* style of relationship, but one involving multiple partners (or a single partner and their multiple 'annoyingly close' family members) can have a lot of impact on the relationship dynamics and health. Also mutual respect, something that tended to be in decline before ending our relationship.
(Score: 2) by Grishnakh on Friday June 30 2017, @03:26PM
We ended up dating a year and a half (the sex was amazing!), but religion, family involvement, and the monogamy/marital commitment stuff eventually did it in
That'll do it in all the time. My advice: never date someone who isn't of the exact same religion as you (within reason, i.e. Catholics should not date Protestants, but it's OK for Lutherans to date Anglicans I think). It just causes too many problems. Most importantly, if you're not religious, don't date someone who is. Trust me on this.
Family issues will also kill a relationship; I've seen that several times. Your families need to be completely compatible; if you hate your in-laws-to-be, then break up (unless your partner also doesn't like them, then it's OK).
(Score: 1) by krait6 on Friday June 30 2017, @10:05PM
I like your reply and think it's insightful and I'd like to touch base on this specific part:
"Wired for monogamy" I think is true but (in my humble opinion) purely environmental -- that is, people are "wired" for this from learned behavior rather than it being genetic. Human beings aren't wolves -- we don't mate for life. If our partner dies, we usually (though not always) find another partner. So it is possible for someone monogamous to learn to be polyamorous. For instance I didn't start out polyamorous -- I grew up with very traditional monogamy, and learned to be polyamorous only because I dated someone who figured out how it could work. (And when she did, the title of "polyamory" didn't exist or she had never heard of it, and only found it later.)
I haven't personally had the experience of someone monogamous telling me they're okay with being polyamorous and then trying "trick me" into being monogamous (again), but I have friends that are polyamorous that have had that happen, and it's annoying. It's understandable, but feels/seems manipulative. :-( It ends up being a kind of "relationship competition" instead of "relationship collaboration", the latter of which is what I think "my version" of polyamory is really about. Messy.
And polyamory also comes with some risks -- even when it works well, there can be situations where multiple relationships all fall apart at the same time, and that "multiple hurts" instead of "single hurts". :-( You take the good with the bad.
My partners and I discussed this as we got involved with one-another so we were sure to understand the risks, and had a discussion about the possibility of dating before actually dating so that we all got a kind of "brocure" about who we were, what our situations were, what we thought our personal problems/deficiencies we had were as well as our skillets, and so forth, so that we could try to understand and mitigate the risks. That seems to be a thing that helps a lot with these kinds of problems.
During times that things are good we sometimes joke about things that "weren't in the brocure". ;-)