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posted by Fnord666 on Thursday April 05 2018, @11:31PM   Printer-friendly
from the but-not-like-you-thought dept.

There are many reasons to avoid the plethora of direct-to-consumer DNA tests on the market these days. Recent data suggests that many may produce alarming false positives for disease risks, while others that claim to predict things like athletic abilities and wine preferences are simply dubious. Another, perhaps less-common concern is that an at-home genetic analysis may unveil completely unexpected, deeply disturbing information that you just can’t prepare for.

That was the case for Washington state’s Kelli Rowlette (née Fowler), who took a DNA test with the popular site Ancestry.com back in July 2017.

Rowlette was likely expecting to discover new details about her distant ancestors, but she instead learned that her DNA sample matched that of a doctor in Idaho. The Ancestry.com analysis predicted a “parent-child” relationship. Befuddled and in disbelief, Rowlette relayed the findings to her parents, Sally Ashby and Howard Fowler. According to a lawsuit the family filed in the US District Court of Idaho, she told her parents she was disappointed that the results were so unreliable.

But little did she know that her parents—who previously lived in Idaho—had trouble conceiving her and, in 1980, underwent an unusual fertility procedure with a doctor near their Idaho Falls home. The name of that doctor was Gerald E. Mortimer—who happened to have a DNA sample with Ancestry.com that matched Rowlette’s.


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  • (Score: 4, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 06 2018, @12:24AM (7 children)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 06 2018, @12:24AM (#663203)

    DAD:
    There are Jews in the world.
    There are Buddhists.
    There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
    There are those that follow Mohammed, but
    I've never been one of them.

    I'm a Roman Catholic,
    And have been since before I was born,
    And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
    They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

    You don't have to be a six-footer.
    You don't have to have a great brain.
    You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
    A Catholic the moment Dad came,

    Because

    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is great.
    If a sperm is wasted,
    God gets quite irate.

    CHILDREN:
    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is great.
    If a sperm is wasted,
    God gets quite irate.

    GIRL:
    Let the heathen spill theirs
    On the dusty ground.
    God shall make them pay for
    Each sperm that can't be found.

    CHILDREN:
    Every sperm is wanted.
    Every sperm is good.
    Every sperm is needed
    In your neighbourhood.

    MUM:
    Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
    Spill theirs just anywhere,
    But God loves those who treat their
    Semen with more care.

    MEN:
    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is great.
    WOMEN:
    If a sperm is wasted,...
    CHILDREN:
    ...God get quite irate.

    PRIEST:
    Every sperm is sacred.
    BRIDE and GROOM:
    Every sperm is good.
    NANNIES:
    Every sperm is needed...
    CARDINALS:
    ...In your neighbourhood!

    CHILDREN:
    Every sperm is useful.
    Every sperm is fine.
    FUNERAL CORTEGE:
    God needs everybody's.
    MOURNER #1:
    Mine!
    MOURNER #2:
    And mine!
    CORPSE:
    And mine!

    NUN:
    Let the Pagan spill theirs
    O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
    HOLY STATUES:
    God shall strike them down for
    Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

    EVERYONE:
    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is good.
    Every sperm is needed
    In your neighbourhood.

    Starting Score:    0  points
    Moderation   +4  
       Interesting=1, Informative=1, Funny=2, Total=4
    Extra 'Funny' Modifier   0  

    Total Score:   4  
  • (Score: 2) by FatPhil on Friday April 06 2018, @05:56AM (4 children)

    by FatPhil (863) <pc-soylentNO@SPAMasdf.fi> on Friday April 06 2018, @05:56AM (#663285) Homepage
    Misrepresents Jews - disapproval of onanism, the spilling of seen on the dirt, goes all the way back to Genesis, and therefore isn't an purely RC thing.
    --
    Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people; the smallest discuss themselves
    • (Score: 2) by maxwell demon on Friday April 06 2018, @06:34AM (2 children)

      by maxwell demon (1608) on Friday April 06 2018, @06:34AM (#663298) Journal

      the spilling of seen on the dirt

      So if you close your eyes while doing it, it's OK? :-)

      --
      The Tao of math: The numbers you can count are not the real numbers.
      • (Score: 2) by FatPhil on Friday April 06 2018, @07:47AM (1 child)

        by FatPhil (863) <pc-soylentNO@SPAMasdf.fi> on Friday April 06 2018, @07:47AM (#663321) Homepage
        Eyes always closed during the vinegar strokes.

        (And I'm surprised I've not passing more typos, my wireless keyboard's battery is going a bit flat, I can't catch them all...)
        --
        Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people; the smallest discuss themselves
        • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 06 2018, @05:48PM

          by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 06 2018, @05:48PM (#663491)

          Well try harder, you can afford a little metabolic energy.

    • (Score: 2) by Freeman on Friday April 06 2018, @04:12PM

      by Freeman (732) on Friday April 06 2018, @04:12PM (#663468) Journal

      The Genesis thing was as follows. Judah's son was evil and God struck him down. Then according to custom the son's wife was to have a child by one of the relatives, because reasons. So, one of Judah's other sons went in to impregnate her, but instead he pulled out at the last second. Spilling his seed on the ground. God found that to be screwed up, so he struck him dead also.

      It wasn't because he spilled his seed on the ground. It's because he was effectively just using her, instead of doing what he was supposed to be doing. Yes, he did spill his seed on the ground, but it wasn't that act alone that was so evil.

      --
      Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee"
  • (Score: 2) by SomeGuy on Friday April 06 2018, @01:38PM (1 child)

    by SomeGuy (5632) on Friday April 06 2018, @01:38PM (#663413)

    Dafuq did I just read?

    TL;DR there is no such thing as God - it is just an excuse for sick people to put their sperm in you.