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Why ‘playing hard to get’ may actually work:
We tend to like people who like us—a basic human trait that psychologists have termed “reciprocity of attraction.” This principle generally works well to start relationships because it reduces the likelihood of rejection. Yet, making the chase harder also has its advantages. So which one is the better strategy?
[...] But in a new study published this spring in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, the team now examined the effects playing hard to get, a mating strategy that is likely to instill a certain degree of uncertainty.
The researchers discovered that making the chase harder increased a potential mate’s desirability.
“Playing hard to get makes it seem as if you are more in demand—we call that having higher mate value,” says Harry Reis, a professor of psychology and Dean’s Professor in Arts, Sciences & Engineering at Rochester.
“People who are too easy to attract may be perceived as more desperate,” says coauthor Gurit Birnbaum, a social psychologist and associate professor of psychology at the IDC Herzliya. “That makes them seem less valuable and appealing—than those who do not make their romantic interest apparent right away.”
[...] Birnbaum advises to show initial interest in potential partners so as not to alienate them. At the same time, don’t reveal too much about yourself. People are “less likely to desire what they already have,” she explains. Instead, build a connection with a potential partner gradually, thereby creating “a sense of anticipation and a desire to learn more about the other person.”
Playing hard to get may work as long as potential partners feel that their efforts are likely to be successful—eventually.
Journal Reference:
Gurit E. Birnbaum, Kobi Zholtack, Harry T. Reis. No pain, no gain: Perceived partner mate value mediates the desire-inducing effect of being hard to get during online and face-to-face encounters, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (DOI: 10.1177/0265407520927469)
(Score: 5, Insightful) by Thexalon on Wednesday June 10 2020, @06:16PM (4 children)
If someone I'm into is acting uninterested, I'm going to conclude that one of these is true:
1. They're genuinely not interested. Fine. If you're not interested, I'm going to move on.
2. They're lying because they enjoy a "chase". Fine. If you're going to lie to and manipulate me before we're an item, I'm quite sure you're going to lie to and manipulate me after we're an item, which I don't want to sign up for.
Either way, I'm gone. And do you know who's left? Two groups of people:
1. The abusers, who won't accept the "no" during the "chase" phase, and also won't accept a "no" once you've decided to give in to their demands for a date. This is basically signing up to risk being raped or end up as a battered spouse. Clearly not OK.
2. The desperate, who will accepted being treated like crap in order to get laid occasionally. Which means you're going to be abusing them, which also isn't OK.
So while you might get more attention from whoever you find attractive with the "hard-to-get" strategy, you're not going to be happy about the attention you get.
The only thing that stops a bad guy with a compiler is a good guy with a compiler.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday June 10 2020, @07:45PM (3 children)
There's some validity in that but you ignore that most people have a screening procedure. The snarky woman who tests you and then looks like horrified as you walk away could be nuts or it could be she genuinely likes you - never to know.
(Score: 4, Informative) by Thexalon on Wednesday June 10 2020, @08:43PM
Of course a normal person has a screening procedure. For instance, any woman interacting with any man has to concern herself with whether the dude in question will rape her given the opportunity, because it's a common enough crime that being concerned about it is completely rational.
But I think you missed a key point: Someone who is lying to me to "test" me has failed MY screening procedure. And sure, I might have missed out on getting laid a few times as a result of that screening procedure, but I'd much rather miss out on an allegedly super-sexy one-night stand than spend 18 years paying child support to an awful crazy person.
It worked out well enough for me: I'm in a happy LTR these days, and wouldn't give it up for sexy-time with a porn star.
The only thing that stops a bad guy with a compiler is a good guy with a compiler.
(Score: 2) by Bot on Thursday June 11 2020, @11:42AM (1 child)
>it could be she genuinely likes you
Then she failed.
Account abandoned.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday June 11 2020, @07:18PM
"As a rule, I never join any club that would have me as a member"