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Anthony D'Ambrosio writes at USA Today that marriage seems like a pretty simple concept — fall in love and share your life together. Our great-grandparents did it, our grandparents followed suit, and for many of us, our parents did it as well. So why is marriage so difficult for the millennial generation?
"You want to know why your grandmother and grandfather just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary? Because they weren't scrolling through Instagram worrying about what John ate for dinner. They weren't on Facebook criticizing others. They weren't on vacation sending Snapchats to their friends." According to D'Ambrosio, we've developed relationships with things, not each other. "Ninety-five percent of the personal conversations you have on a daily basis occur through some type of technology. We've removed human emotion from our relationships, and we've replaced it colorful bubbles," writes D'Ambrosio. "We've forgotten how to communicate yet expect healthy marriages. How is it possible to grow and mature together if we barely speak?"
D'Ambrosio writes that another factor is that our desire for attention outweighs our desire to be loved and that social media has given everyone an opportunity to be famous. "Attention you couldn't dream of getting unless you were celebrity is now a selfie away. Post a picture, and thousands of strangers will like it. Wear less clothing, and guess what? More likes," writes D'Ambrosio.
"If you want to love someone, stop seeking attention from everyone because you'll never be satisfied with the attention from one person." Finally D'Ambrosio says the loss of privacy has contributed to the demise of marriage. "We've invited strangers into our homes and brought them on dates with us. We've shown them our wardrobe, drove with them in our cars, and we even showed them our bathing suits," writes D'Ambrosio. "The world we live in today has put roadblocks in the way of getting there and living a happy life with someone. Some things are in our control, and unfortunately, others are not."
(Score: 2, Interesting) by jcm on Saturday April 11 2015, @06:52PM
I met a psychologist who told me that the more stable marriages were arranged marriages.
When engaged in an arranged marriage, you have a contract and are not swayed by your emotions.
People want to marry somebody they love, and they also hope that this love will last forever.
This "love" is mostly physical for men, and "delusional" for women ("charming prince").
Once the physical part disappears for men, and the delusion disappears for women, the couple will continue with what remains.
And in a lot of cases, nothing remains, except perhaps children.
In France, there is an advertisement that irritates me about a dating site.
A woman searches for a "perfect" partner, like a perfect doll.
She has so strong expectations that I doubt she'll ever find a stable partner.
She'll probably meet a few hundreds partners and hate men afterwards.
The problem with millenials is not about their desire to be followed or loved (which is the same desire, contrary to what d'Ambrosio believes).
It's that they are not mature enough to be able to love somebody outside of themselves, especially without condition ("unconditional love").
And technology doesn't help them to become more mature.
But I also met a lot of millenials which seemed pretty mature, especially those who were not dependent upon technology.
(Score: 3, Insightful) by Azuma Hazuki on Saturday April 11 2015, @07:35PM
Some of us millennials get this. I'm 29, so maybe on the old side of "millennial," but I understand what a proper loving relationship is and looks like...and how it can go bad.
The key is not going into it hoping that you'll be made complete. If you need healing, that's one thing, but if you are fundamentally broken you will not necessarily be fixed by having a lover. Instead, go into it with the gestalt mentality, the idea that you and your lover are whole, but together you are *more* than the sum of your individual selves.
It helps to have a very future-oriented outlook. I'm always planning ahead, and was drafting five-year budgets out of high school for example. And when you have as little money as I do, sometimes even week to week looks shaky, but I've somehow managed to stay out of the poorhouse.
Attraction is important, but it has to be there on all levels. Ask yourself, "If I were born blind and couldn't see at all, would I still want to be with this person?" The answer has to be yes, and the reasons have to be things like matching values, comfort in presence, and so forth. Looks last only so long. In 50 years, if I am still alive, I will likely be rather ugly externally, but internally, if I lived my life right, I'll be better than I am now.
I don't know, the hetero mating game never made sense to me; as a lesbian I may not be speaking to the same values or worldview of a straight woman or straight man. But the above has served me fairly well so far.
I am "that girl" your mother warned you about...
(Score: 4, Disagree) by Grishnakh on Saturday April 11 2015, @07:45PM
The problem with millenials is not about their desire to be followed or loved (which is the same desire, contrary to what d'Ambrosio believes).
It's that they are not mature enough to be able to love somebody outside of themselves, especially without condition ("unconditional love").
This is a bunch of crap.
The reason millenials aren't getting married is because they've seen what it's really like for their parents and others of older generations, and seen that it really isn't a very good deal at all, so they're wisely avoiding it.
Marriage worked out great back in the old days when women were chattel and men had all the power in society. Women's opinions were mostly irrelevant, and if they were unhappy with their place in society, tough shit. They had to cook, clean, etc. and that was it, and they didn't have many career opportunities. So they needed to marry someone who could provide for them, or else have a miserable life (unless they were independently wealthy, perhaps being an heir of wealthy parents), so they had to find someone who'd be a good long-term partner, though not necessarily someone they were all that attracted to. Not any more; now women don't need men.
Societies with arranged marriages also have stable marriages, but there again it's because there's not much emotion involved, it's really for purely practical purposes.
So basically, marriage is a product of an older time and no longer really fits modern society, at least the way we westerners are living.
(Score: 1) by jcm on Sunday April 12 2015, @11:07AM
The reason millenials aren't getting married is because they've seen what it's really like for their parents and others of older generations, and seen that it really isn't a very good deal at all, so they're wisely avoiding it.
I agree that before my generation (I'm not a millenial), women could not escape their marriage.
But I would not be so affirmative.
It's true that marriage may be a bad deal, and that's why there is a lot of divorces.
In my opinion, it's because people get married for the wrong reasons.
In France, we have a lot of stepfamilies, which is a way to recognize that even if we failed once at building a family, it doesn't mean that a stable marriage is impossible.
In our modern society, it's easy to find partners (especially for millenials !), but difficult to build lasting relations because we expect so much from our partner.