SoylentNews

A Pimp Named Slickback writes in with a job offer guaranteed to tickle the fancy of many.

German social media site KaufMich.com [NSFW, German language] (literal English translation: "Buy Me") is currently recruiting a full-time "prostitute tester" to vet and rate the products on its virtual shelves.

According to a piece by David Moye over at the Huffington Post:

A willingness to lie down on the job is a requirement, if you get our drift.

Moye goes on to say that according to kaufmich.com's product manager:

"Clients on Kaufmich should be able to check the quality of brothels before there go -- like you check your hotel online before you book."

Besides scoring tips for carnal consumers, the ideal candidate "should enjoy having fun with people and not be afraid of contact."

If you think you have the right equipment for this job, whip out your resume or CV and stroke it until it gives you a chance to stand out from the crowd.

David Hasselhoff, the 80's and 90's TV star that we all know and love from such exceptionally written shows as Knight Rider and Baywatch has, in recent years, made the move to a very lucrative singing career.

"The Hoff" as he is known to his die hard fan, has most recently performed a medley of his favorite songs on American Idol.

livescience reports it could be time to start mining our poop, instead of treating it purely as waste and fertilizer:

Kathleen Smith, a USGS geologist, thinks people could make more of these biosolids; they're full of tiny particles of metals that find their way into waste through beauty products, detergents and even odor-resistant clothing.
..
They detected some sizable concentrations of platinum, silver and gold when they looked at their samples under a scanning electron microscope, they reported.

"The gold we found was at the level of a minimal mineral deposit," Smith said. In other words, if that level of gold were observed in rock, it would be considered a potential mining prospect.

Sure, it's gross to think about, but why shouldn't we reclaim everything we can from our own "waste" products?

Subsentient writes:

From CNN:

In the desert of Arizona north of Tucson, a 40 story tall gerbil holding a giant wooden scepter has been spotted. It's walking towards Phoenix and is estimated to arrive by tomorrow afternoon. The giant anomaly was first spotted when seismologists went to investigate repetitive events, which turned out to be the footsteps of the giant beast. It stands erect and walks on two legs, and audio recordings and eye-witness accounts report that it is murmuring in an unknown language. The army has been deployed to set up a barricade near Phoenix.

So, after playing 14 hours of NetHack, I'm a little burned out, I've even run out of things to talk about; which honestly took longer expect, so in trying to keep things interesting, I going switch games. I thought playing Dwarf Fortress, but I don't I think I can get too much done in the time remaining, and DF can be somewhat formulatic, so we're going to switch to Minecraft. My goal to try and beat the Ender Dragon (the original boss) between now, and the end of the LiveStream at 23:59 EST.

Unfortunately, I can only stream this via Twitch, so telnet viewers, your SOL for now. I think this event gone pretty today; we had a lot of good conversations about where going site, some thoughts long term, having SirFinkus, mrcoolbp, and Paul join me for parts of the livestream, so lets do something that I talk about. As always, I'll available to field questions by IRC, comments here on the or in the Twitch channel.

I may open this world up to MP if members of the community wish to join me, although I will have to tweak my setup for that. I do for an "after party", after slaying the dragon, or at least giving it my best go :).

Feel free to join us on my Twitch channel, and I am recording so for those who have not been able to follow the stream, you will be able to watch it after the fact. I'm looking for volunteers to edit the massive FLV file generated by the stream.

Join Us Here: SN eBBQ on Twitch

Update: mrcoolbp, paulej72, and NCommander are all on the stream now.

In a recent study by the NIH, as covered by the Daily Mail, 80% of women fake their orgasms. Furthermore, these "faked" female orgasms may actually aid some in achieving real climax.

Researchers surveyed 481 heterosexual females, all sexually active but not in serious relationships. The results, published in The Journal of Sexual Archives, threw up the usual, predictable reasons for faking - but also a surprising one.

The most common reason was ‘altruistic deceit’ - to protect the man’s feelings.

Second, fear and insecurity. Wanting the sex to be a positive experience, rather than a negative one.

Fourth, was faking it to end the sex session. No surprises there (though it’s usually further up the list!)

The most interesting reason came third on the list.

‘Elevated arousal’ - faking orgasm to make yourself feel more turned on.

Communication is the key to good sex - and faking orgasm (for reasons that aren’t so helpful) isn’t necessary if admitting to not having one isn’t a problem!

Wired brings us this novel new use for a favorite feminine hygiene product.

Tampons were placed in 16 surface water sewers, using the handy attached string to secure them to bamboo poles. After 3 days the tampons were retrieved and tested under UV light. And indeed, they did successfully detect grey water contamination, and determination of a positive and negative result was pretty clear. The total cost of sampling? An estimated 20 pence/tampon (30 cents in US Dollars), including the cost of the black light.

Could this finally be what helps men the world over to be able to buy this product in stores without embarrassment?

mrcoolbp writes:

I thought it might be interesting to document the violent reaction of these common household substances in a video with varying speeds. I really hope you enjoy this captivating experiment.

cmn32480 writes:

An article in the Daily Mail explains to us the life of the active senior.

With their silver hair and kind smiles, Christine Smith, Sheila Henderson and June Senior look like three normal grandmothers, enjoying a quiet drink and a chat. But their innocent looks bely a wilder reality and when the trio, who are aged between 61 and 64, travel abroad on one of their regular grannies’ trips, all thoughts of a quiet life are left behind. Instead of enjoying quiet days out with their grandchildren, fancy dress, colourful cocktails and Spanish party spots are the order of the day for the three Barnsley pensioners.

The subject of a new channel 5 documentary, these ladies may turn you off going to the bars forever. The pictures make it all worthwhile.

Many Brits near Cannock Chase have been claiming to see a Slenderman type figure.

One description:

"It appeared to rise out of the trees and hover over the path around 100m in front of me. It was very dark, but I could see it clearly because of the lights coming from Rugeley. It was also a pretty clear night. If I were to compare it to anything, I would say it looked like a stereotypical Victorian gentleman - long, black overcoat with a homburg hat. I know this was no flying human because it had blood red eyes that shone in the night sky. It also had a mouth full of teeth that seemed to look like razors. Whatever it was, it stopped hovering and descended back into the trees. Needless to say, I did not investigate any further."

A paranormal investigator, Lee Brickley, is convinced they are real reports, "He says he is convinced that they're not lying, and that these may well be real-life reports of the mythical Slender Man."

The author, however, posits that these reports more closely align with Shadow People than Slenderman. Shadow People, are of course, closely related to Night Terrors or sleep paralysis, which resides in a spot close to my heart, as I am frequently awoken at night by my significant other waking up screaming, seeing these Shadow People in our room.

An article from livescience lets us know, "If you're trying to stabilize nuclear waste, don't use organic kitty litter."

Always use regular cat litter!
Further quotes:

Investigators confirmed that a 55-gallon metal drum of nuclear waste burst open after it was packed with the wrong kind of cat litter.... Kitty litter isn't just used to absorb urine; it's long been used for industrial purposes, too. Traditional cat litter is usually made from inorganic silicates that can stabilize nitrate salts found in nuclear waste.... When the drum in question was packed at Los Alamos National Laboratory, in New Mexico, it was filled with organic kitty litter called Swheat Scoop, which, as the name suggests, is primarily made with wheat.

I guess one should always test substances before using them to contain radioactivity:

DOE officials concluded the contents of the drum were "chemically incompatible" and that gases built up over time, causing the lid to burst open after it was stored at WIPP.

mrcoolbp writes:

According to their own web page, Boring, Oregon is "An Exciting Place to Live & Work"

Another fun place to visit might be Hell, Michigan. Their website recommends going to Hell, and even suggests that you "GET MARRIED IN HELL!!". Next stop should appropriately be Satan's Kingdom, VT. Because, Yolo

Moving right along, you'll likely want to experience Intercourse. TripAdvisor has the lowdown on "Best of Intercourse" if you seek more information on the best way to enjoy Intercourse, for example, a stay at the Best Western Plus Intercourse Village Inn & Suites seems like an enticing offer. Thankfully, it appears they have a good clean-up crew as one TripAdvisor reviewer explains:

"My wife and I really enjoyed our stay and found the room and the facilities to be very clean and new smelling."

Navigating around Pennsylvania is tricky though, and at only 7.7 miles away, you may mistakenly end up in Blue Ball territory.

After all that fun, you may find that you face Truth or Consequences, NM. Looks like they are building a spaceport!

If you are on a budget, and would love to visit Poland, Paris, Naples, Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Mexico, Peru, and China, you might start in Lynchville, Maine in the USA.

Freewheelin' Franklin writes in with a story about the dire weed shortage currently gripping New Zealand. He reminds us yet again that "Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope."

Danielle Street's article over at Vice describes the life-threatening shortage in gruesome detail:

New Zealand is suffering its worst weed drought in recent history, and so far pot-starved kiwis have no one to point the finger at.

She goes on to say that

...it's the most severe shortage they had seen in 15 years, and that it was a "nightmare for consumers," who were struggling to buy weed at any price.

One brave weed smoker was willing to go on record to talk about the current buzz-killing nightmare that is New Zealand.

Do any Soylentils have some weed they can spare for their brothers in New Zealand? If so, post your name, address and a contact telephone number in the comments section. Someone will be in touch shortly.

Legendary Teeth writes:

The makers _{of the} Myo Gesture Control Armband (Thalmic Labs) ^{have just} released the _{specs for} the Bluetooth protocol it uses. ^{While there} are already _{official SDKs} for Windows, Mac, iOS and Android, ^{this means} that now _{anyone can} roll their ^{own support} for other _{platforms like} Linux or ^{Arduino without} needing to _{use an official platform as a bridge.} Anything you ^{can write} code for _{that that} can act ^{as a} Bluetooth GATT client _{would now} be possible, ^{really. If} you aren't _{familiar with} the Myo ^{armband, it's} a Bluetooth _{Low Energy} device with ^{8 EMG} pods and _{an IMU} that you ^{wear on} your arm. _{It can} read your ^{muscle activity} to detect _{gestures you} make with ^{you hands,} which you _{can then} use to ^{do things} like fly drones, _{play games, or} control music.

Happy April 1st Everyone.

As you can see, the staff are already making changes for this annual tradition, with paulej72 and mrcoolbp being responsible for the site being in green today. I was planning my own fun feature to add to the site, but was unable to finish it fully in time. (For the curious, here is an experimental version of it.) Unfortunately, we are not yet ready to deploy the next site update.

So, I decided that perhaps today would be a good day to sit down and have a social event. Since we're going with a "retro" theme today, I thought "What would be more appropriate than to sit back, take questions from the community, and play NetHack?"! I'll be playing on nethack.alt.org (NAO) which allows you to watch games in progress over telnet. I will also be streaming live on Twitch, fielding questions from chat, and answering them live. For those averse to new media, you can simply connect to NAO via telnet, and choose to watch my game. I'll note, for completeness' sake, I'm not a complete newbie at nethack — I have, in fact, managed to ascend once with the amulet. Perhaps if luck is with us, I might manage it again on camera.

I hope to play as a 24-hour event, from 0:00 to 23:59 EST, though that might change depending on how I'm feeling. I plan to setup a Skype session so members of the staff can join in and perhaps field a question or two. If anyone wants to live update for me (watch the stream and keep notes on what I've done) or something similar, drop me a Private Message on either the SoylentNews IRC channel or on Freenode (I'll be in #nethack while I'm streaming).

If you ever wanted an opportunity to yell at me to my face, well, here's your chance. Tomorrow the site theme will be back to normal, though for those who prefer it, the vt100 theme will remain available to logged-in users should they choose to use it.

Note: If someone wants another way to host the audio and wants to setup a server for us, just let us know and we'll try to hook up the audio. Ping NCommander in IRC if possible, or just mention it in the twitch chat, or via telnet.

martyb writes:

So that as many as possible may participate, please provide only your answers in the comments. Moderation may be useful.

Puzzle #1:

... .. -- .--. .-.. . / . -. -.-. --- -.. .. -. --. / ... -.-. .... . -- . ... / ... ..- -... ... - .. - ..- - . / --- -. . / ... -.-- -- -... --- .-.. / .-- .. - .... / .- -. --- - .... . .-. .-.-.- / .... --- .-- / -- .- -. -.-- / .-.. . - - . .-. ... / .- .-. . / .. -. / - .... . / . -. --. .-.. .. ... .... / .- .-.. .--. .... .- -... . - ..--..

Puzzle #2:

ΩΝΕ ΚΑΝ ΥΣΕ Α ΛΕΣΣ ΣΤΡΙΚΤ ΜΑΠΠΙΝΓ ΦΡΩΜ ΠΛΑΙΝ ΤΕΞΤ ΤΩ ΤΗΕ ΕΝΚΩΔΕΔ ΦΩΡΜ * ΒΩ ΔΕΡΕΚ ΣΤΑΡΡΕΔ ΙΝ?

Puzzle #3:

N Pnrfne plcure zncf bar punenpgre va na nycunorg gb nabgure yrggre hfvat n svkrq bssfrg. Na bssrg bs guvegrra vf bsgra hfrq ba-yvar. Jung vf gjragl cyhf gjryir?

Puzzle #4:

QmFzZTY0IGlzIGEgZ3JvdXAgb2Ygc2ltaWxhciBiaW5hcnktdG8tdGV4dCBlbmNvZGluZyBzY2hl bWVzIHRoYXQgcmVwcmVzZW50IGJpbmFyeSBkYXRhIGluIGFuIEFTQ0lJIHN0cmluZyBmb3JtYXQg YnkgdHJhbnNsYXRpbmcgaXQgaW50byBhIHJhZGl4LTY0IHJlcHJlc2VudGF0aW9uLiBUaGUgdGVy bSBCYXNlNjQgb3JpZ2luYXRlcyBmcm9tIGEgc3BlY2lmaWMgTUlNRSBjb250ZW50IHRyYW5zZmVy IGVuY29kaW5nLiAgV2hhdCBpcyB0aGUgcmFkaXggZm9yIEJhc2U2ND8NCg==

Puzzle #5:

%üÖô¿@âûöùñúàÖó@ñóàä@ùñòâê@âüÖäó@åûÖ@ôûüäëòç@ùÖûçÖüöó@üòä@äüúüK@@╚ûª@öüò¿@âûôñöòó@üÖà@ûò@ü@óúüòäüÖä@ùñòâê@âüÖäo

Puzzle #6:

44_69_65_20_63_6f_64_69 65_72_74_65_6e_20_54_65
78_74_20_6d_75_73_73_20 6e_69_63_68_74_20_64_69
65_20_67_6c_65_69_63_68 65_20_53_70_72_61_63_68
65_20_77_69_65_20_64_69 65_20_51_75_65_6c_6c_65
2e_20_48_69_65_72_20_67 69_62_74_20_65_73_20_65
69_6e_65_20_55_6d_73_74 65_6c_6c_75_6e_67_20_61
75_66_20_44_65_75_74_73 63_68_2e_20_57_61_73_20
73_69_6e_64_20_64_69_65 20_6c_65_74_7a_74_65_6e
20_62_65_69_64_65_6e_20 5a_69_66_66_65_72_6e_20
64_65_73_20_4a_61_68_72 65_73_2c_20_77_65_6e_6e
20_6d_61_6e_20_7a_75_65 72_73_74_20_61_75_66_20
64_65_6d_20_4d_6f_6e_64 20_67_65_6c_61_6e_64_65
74_3f_0d_0a

Puzzle #7:

146 204 194 232 204 210 228 230 232 242 222 234 200 222 220 232 64 230 234 198 198 202 202 200 88 64 208 222 238 64 218 194 220 242 64 232 210 218 202 230 64 198 222 234 216 200 64 242 222 234 64 230 214 242 64 200 210 236 202 64 210 204 64 242 222 234 64 238 202 228 202 64 194 64 198 194 232 126

Puzzle #8

3Q1D1P 3Q2D2P 4Q1D4P 4Q1N 4Q1D1P 4Q1D1N2P 4Q1D1N 1Q1N2P 4Q 4Q1P 4Q1D 4Q1D1P 4Q1N4P 4Q1N 4Q1D 3Q2D2P 4Q1D1N1P 4Q1N 4Q1D1P 4Q1D 4Q1D1N 1Q1N2P 4Q1D1P 4Q2P 1Q1N2P 3Q2D4P 4Q1D1P 4Q1N 4Q1D 4Q1D1N 1Q1N2P 4Q4P 3Q2D2P 4Q1D1N3P 4Q1P 1Q1N2P 3Q2D3P 4Q1P 4Q1P 4Q1D 1Q1N2P 3Q2D4P 4Q1D4P 4Q1P 3Q2D2P 4Q1D1N1P 4Q1P 4Q 1Q1N2P 4Q1D1P 4Q1D1N3P 4Q1P 4Q1D4P 1Q1N2P 4Q1D1N1P 4Q4P 4Q1P 1Q1N2P 4Q2D1P 4Q1P 3Q2D2P 4Q1D4P 4Q1D1N 1Q2D1P 1Q1N2P 1Q1N2P 2Q2D2P 4Q1D1P 4Q1D1N4P 1Q1N2P 4Q1N4P 3Q2D2P 4Q1D 4Q2D1P 1Q1N2P 4Q 4Q1N 4Q2P 4Q2P 4Q1P 4Q1D4P 4Q1P 4Q1D 4Q1D1N1P 1Q1N2P 3Q2D4P 4Q1D1P 4Q1N 4Q1D 1Q1N2P 4Q 4Q1P 4Q1D 4Q1D1P 4Q1N4P 4Q1N 4Q1D 3Q2D2P 4Q1D1N1P 4Q1N 4Q1D1P 4Q1D 4Q1D1N 1Q1N2P 4Q1D1N4P 4Q1P 4Q1D4P 4Q1P 1Q1N2P 4Q1D1N2P 4Q1D1N 4Q1P 4Q 1Q1N2P 4Q1N 4Q1D 1Q1N2P 4Q1D1N1P 4Q4P 4Q1N 4Q1D1N 1Q1N2P 4Q1D2P 4Q1D1N2P 4Q2D2P 4Q2D2P 4Q1N3P 4Q1P 2Q1D3P

Puzzle #9

102 160 147 156 171 040 152 156 146 040 142 163 147 162 141 040 150 146 162 161 040 142 141 040 121 166 164 166 147 156 171 040 122 144 150 166 143 172 162 141 147 040 120 142 145 143 142 145 156 147 166 142 141 047 146 040 103 121 103 055 070 040 172 166 141 166 160 142 172 143 150 147 162 145 056 040 040 125 142 152 040 172 156 141 154 040 157 166 147 146 040 161 166 161 040 142 141 162 040 152 142 145 161 040 142 163 040 172 162 172 142 145 154 040 142 141 040 156 040 103 121 103 055 070 040 160 142 141 147 156 166 141 077

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Note: Spoilers to the puzzles in the comments below.