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posted by on Wednesday April 01 2015, @11:54PM   Printer-friendly
from the not-so-square-a-peg dept.

A Pimp Named Slickback writes in with a job offer guaranteed to tickle the fancy of many.

German social media site KaufMich.com [NSFW, German language] (literal English translation: "Buy Me") is currently recruiting a full-time "prostitute tester" to vet and rate the products on its virtual shelves.

According to a piece by David Moye over at the Huffington Post:

A willingness to lie down on the job is a requirement, if you get our drift.

Moye goes on to say that according to kaufmich.com's product manager:

"Clients on Kaufmich should be able to check the quality of brothels before there go -- like you check your hotel online before you book."

Besides scoring tips for carnal consumers, the ideal candidate "should enjoy having fun with people and not be afraid of contact."

If you think you have the right equipment for this job, whip out your resume or CV and stroke it until it gives you a chance to stand out from the crowd.

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  • (Score: 2) by cmn32480 on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:01AM

    by cmn32480 (443) <reversethis-{moc.liamg} {ta} {08423nmc}> on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:01AM (#165618) Journal

    The job sounds like a fun time, the problem (like with every job) is all the paperwork.

    --
    "It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear" - Norm Peterson
    • (Score: 2) by bob_super on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:28AM

      by bob_super (1357) on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:28AM (#165629)

      How long before guys get caught crossing state lines with performance-enhancing blue pills?
      Good physical job in an industry that generates lots of cash == doping.

    • (Score: 2) by Jeremiah Cornelius on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:28AM

      by Jeremiah Cornelius (2785) on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:28AM (#165631) Journal

      Have you ever looked at your prune-shriveled hands, after too long a swim?

      Now, expect the same when you look down below.

      --
      You're betting on the pantomime horse...
    • (Score: 3, Interesting) by Ethanol-fueled on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:40AM

      by Ethanol-fueled (2792) on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:40AM (#165634) Homepage

      I have never patronized a prostitute, so I cannot speak with authority in these matters. However, during a transitory period of my life, I did befriend somebody who may as well have been a prostitute. Dealing with her was the easy part, dealing with the hotels in which we lived at the time was the more documentary-worthy portion in this section of time in the United States.

      The first hotel of mention is the La Cresta [google.com] in located on the most prostitute-ridden boulevard in San Diego. Seen at night outside the hotel are panhandling crackheads and streetwalkers. All people who run these hotels are Indian or Pakistani immigrants who sleep by the locked lobby doors and rise from their slumber when they hear the buzzer. This particular hotel gets a 3/10 rating due to its occasional homicides, [utsandiego.com] plaster chipping from its walls, pubic hair found in between sheets which are repositioned rather than washed after every stay, and the occasional rants of crackheads in adjacent rooms. It was my go-to back in those days because of its low, low prices; but looking back I'm grateful for not having caught crabs or subject to murder. Plus, nothing was stolen from my truck.

      I have never stayed at the Sea Breeze [google.com] Hotel across the street, but as you can see from the Riffraff sitting on the municipal power transformer, it used to be a halfway-house and to this day remains a great place to score dope.

      Down the street is Goodbody Mortuary, [google.com] a joke that writes itself.

      This one is Morgan's Hotel, [google.com] but don't let its fine Spanish/Mediterranean decor fool you -- this hotel is pure trash. At first glance the rooms are a bit better than the others, but the bathrooms have barred windows and resemble those in some Eastern-European slums. It gets a 5/10 rating for its relative safety.

      All hotels mentioned in this post reek of stale cigarette smoke and AIDS.

      This one is the Navajo Lodge. [google.com] This hotel is a little nicer than the others, but with a unique feature in its rooms -- no fucking joke, I've been to all of these -- a system which automatically turns the lights in your room on every half-hour. Instead of traditional mechanical switches you have those electrical pushbutton ones with the sensor. I don't know who thought it was a good idea to sent a tired man to a room where the lights turn on every 30 minutes, but if you go tell the attendant in the lobby that it's bothersome they have the ability to hold the lights off for you so you can sleep. For some reason, cops are always at this place. I'm not making this up, it was the first and last time I stayed there. 3/10 rating, would be a 6/10 rating if I had known about asking the attendant to disable the lighting voodoo.

      That concludes our tour of the most prostitute-ridden strip of San Diego, El Cajon Boulevard.

      • (Score: 1) by Ethanol-fueled on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:47AM

        by Ethanol-fueled (2792) on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:47AM (#165641) Homepage

        (Er, sorry, This is the link [google.com] to the Navajo Lodge)

      • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:19AM

        by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:19AM (#165648)

        You should have driven 10 miles east to El Cajon, the Meth capital of the world. Where it smells like a meth lab, and driving around is considered "hazardous duty", or a little north of El Cajon to Lakeside, where you'll get your ass kicked by cowboys if you look or act strange, and it smells like horse poo.

    • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:36PM

      by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:36PM (#165819)
      Do they provide hands-on training? ;)
  • (Score: 3, Touché) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:16AM

    by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:16AM (#165624)

    When they say "prostitute" do they mean "lady of the evening" or are they talking about politicians?

    • (Score: 2, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:28AM

      by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:28AM (#165627)

      Either way, I wouldn't touch them with my weenie

      • (Score: 2) by AnythingGoes on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:59AM

        by AnythingGoes (3345) on Thursday April 02 2015, @12:59AM (#165644)
        Note, testing does not mean the use of your w*****, there are always other methods and tools available :)

        For politicians, there is always bags of cash (come to think of it, same as for the other ladies of the night)
      • (Score: 2) by tathra on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:26AM

        by tathra (3367) on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:26AM (#165650)

        don't you mean "i wouldn't touch them with your weenie" [soylentnews.org]?

    • (Score: 3, Informative) by bob_super on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:05AM

      by bob_super (1357) on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:05AM (#165646)

      You're mistaken. They need testers for male prostitutes.
      A cursory walk through the Amsterdam RLD tells you a female prostitute can be any shape or form.

      It's the men who have to prove their worth.

    • (Score: 2) by gman003 on Thursday April 02 2015, @03:23AM

      by gman003 (4155) on Thursday April 02 2015, @03:23AM (#165681)

      Depends - which ones are less reputable, and more in need of stringent testing?

  • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:28AM

    by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:28AM (#165652)

    The real stories have been way better than the fake today

    • (Score: 3, Informative) by NotSanguine on Thursday April 02 2015, @02:58AM

      And which of today's stories were fake?

      BZZT! Wrong. There were all real stories, except for the gerbil story.

      Thanks for playing.

      --
      No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical. --Niels Bohr
      • (Score: 4, Funny) by aristarchus on Thursday April 02 2015, @03:25AM

        by aristarchus (2645) on Thursday April 02 2015, @03:25AM (#165682) Journal

        What! The Gerbil story was not real! And you got my hopes all up and everything! I am going to go back to. . . .no, wait, I am not insane, only gulible.

  • (Score: 2) by kaszz on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:45AM

    by kaszz (4211) on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:45AM (#165659) Journal

    What they don't mention and few people want to think about is all the sexually transmitted diseases these environments may harbor. And you will be in near contact with Mr Murphy and high probabilities of something that will ruin your life. There's both well known diseases that were treatable and now isn't due to antibiotic resistance and others that never has been treatable. And they may pester you every hour the rest of your life.

    • (Score: 1, Interesting) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:06PM

      by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:06PM (#165811)

      the sexually transmitted diseases these environments may harbor

      You think people never get STDs in other "environments"?

      Your dismissive word "environments" reveals your ignorance of the subject. You are over-simplifying. Are you aware that there is a wide spectrum of "environments" ranging from on the ground behind the buildings in a factory estate, through brothels in either town centres or small discrete houses in the suburbs, to ladies' own flats and houses when their husbands (if they have one) are out (or in, or even join in) ? This latter type of prostitute is known as an "Independent".

      Believe it or not, there are "respectable" ladies whose husbands/BFs are away a lot who actually want sex and company, and who find it easier, safer and more reliable to find a temporary partner by advertising as a prostitute than by hanging around in a bar or trying a dating site. The cash is handy for them too.

      It is safer and more reliable for them because there are websites (in the UK at least - you can soon Google for them) where bookings can optionally be made and taken through the website, so there is a record. The girls also warn each other of dodgy clients. Clients can register (but don't have to) and get reviewed by the girls, because some girls will only see clients with good reports.

      What you dismiss as an environment is in fact a whole sub-culture, one that can be a whole lot more predictable and reliable than the shark pool of "respectable" casual relationships.

  • (Score: 4, Funny) by Snotnose on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:45AM

    by Snotnose (1623) on Thursday April 02 2015, @01:45AM (#165660)

    Between a client who refuses to pay, an ex-wife, and a neighbor who cost me $2k, I'm really used to getting f'cked daily. My experience makes me a good fit for this job.

    --
    When the dust settled America realized it was saved by a porn star.
  • (Score: 1) by anubi on Thursday April 02 2015, @02:00AM

    by anubi (2828) on Thursday April 02 2015, @02:00AM (#165666) Journal

    The best part of the job would be doing the work... as what we all strive for.

    However, the hardest part of the job would be having to release the rankings.

    Its the same enigma faced by beauty-contest judges... you are in a position to make *one* person happy and disappoint many.

    That is just as bad as being hired as the "hatchet-guy" to lay off people in an organization.

    Not a fun place to be if you have any compassion in you at all.

    There are some jobs to me that are extremely painful, and telling someone who has tried their best that it isn't good enough and that they have failed has to top my list.

    I have been in the recipient's shoes and I know how much it hurts.

    I cannot do that to others.

    What one finds attractive or lustful is such a subjective matter that even I recognize just how poorly I would evaluate it.

    --
    "Prove all things; hold fast that which is good." [KJV: I Thessalonians 5:21]
  • (Score: 2) by NotSanguine on Thursday April 02 2015, @04:10AM

    To a real hero of our generation. Thank you, A Pimp Named Slickback [photobucket.com] for submitting this story.

    We all really appreciate it and are proud to have you as a member of the SN community.

    --
    No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical. --Niels Bohr
  • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @09:55AM

    by Anonymous Coward on Thursday April 02 2015, @09:55AM (#165770)

    Bug 95614: problems during oral sex

    Steps to reproduce:
    1. Lie on bed
    2. Remove pants
    3. Remove underwear
    4. Begin

    Expected result: pleasure
    Actual: employee used teeth