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posted by martyb on Friday December 01, @06:15PM   Printer-friendly
from the strange-olympics dept.

Finally, the invention I wanted all my life has come to pass:

"A British company has released the first pictures of a 'smart condom' which collects very intimate data about the sex life of anyone brave enough to wear it.

The device is called the i.Con and can detect STIs as well as sending data about a sex session straight to the wearer's smartphone.

British Condoms said its 'revolutionary wearable tech for the bedroom' measures the number of calories burned during intercourse, the speed of a man's thrusts, how long he lasts and even what positions are used.

The condom firm said its invention would help men see how they 'stack up to other people from around the world'."

[...] The smart condom is a small band which fits around the bottom of a man's willy, which means wearers will still need to strap on a normal condom to get full protection.

It is waterproof and features a band that's 'extraordinarily flexible to ensure maximum comfort for all sizes'.

Bizarrely, it even lights up to provide illumination for both partners' nether regions.

Now, we can all compete in the Direct International Comparison Kinetics. Hooray. ;)

http://metro.co.uk/2017/11/28/worlds-first-spy-condom-collects-intimate-data-during-sex-and-tells-men-whether-their-performance-is-red-hot-or-a-total-flop-7116049/


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  • (Score: 5, Funny) by DannyB on Friday December 01, @06:26PM (1 child)

    by DannyB (5839) on Friday December 01, @06:26PM (#603991)

    Q. I am concerned that this might be less secure than other internet connected devices?
    A. Don't worry! This device meets the same high standards as other IoT devices!

    Q. I am concerned that my personal information might become public?
    A. Don't worry! You won't find your personal data exposed in a public share on the internet. We promise! You won't find it!

    Q. I am concerned about how tightly this might be attached to the base of the appendage and how uncomfortable it might be?
    A. Don't worry! You won't feel a thing once the appendage falls off!

    • (Score: 2) by davester666 on Saturday December 02, @10:19AM

      by davester666 (155) on Saturday December 02, @10:19AM (#604203)

      Don't worry, the summary is wrong.

      The condom will send the data straight THROUGH your smartphone to the makers servers. They have to do this in order to make money from your sexual habits.

  • (Score: 5, Funny) by Snotnose on Friday December 01, @06:27PM (12 children)

    by Snotnose (1623) on Friday December 01, @06:27PM (#603993)

    Wonder when Apple will buy them, they're good at screwing their users.

    /ducks

    • (Score: 2) by DannyB on Friday December 01, @06:40PM (9 children)

      by DannyB (5839) on Friday December 01, @06:40PM (#604000)

      Product name would need to have a leading lowercase letter I. But I see your subject line. Although it should end with an "ed" suffix.

      It would also need to use proprietary protocols and connectors that only work with Apple products.

      • (Score: 4, Funny) by bob_super on Friday December 01, @07:11PM (6 children)

        by bob_super (1357) on Friday December 01, @07:11PM (#604008)

        > It would also need to use proprietary protocols and connectors that only work with Apple products.

        Apple has decided to work on a cuboid condom with rounded corners. I fit doesn't fit your current reproductive system specifications, Apple, will happily help you avoid the shame of not being trendy by selling you iSurgery services, which will make you cool and come in white, black, or rose gold. The antiquated 3.5mm opening at the end will be removed, and you may buy wireless battery-powered semen iPipettes for $399 each.

        • (Score: 3, Insightful) by MostCynical on Friday December 01, @08:13PM (5 children)

          by MostCynical (2589) on Friday December 01, @08:13PM (#604025)

          But at leasy the plug will go in in more than one way.

          --
          (Score: tau, Irrational)
          • (Score: 2) by bob_super on Friday December 01, @08:20PM (4 children)

            by bob_super (1357) on Friday December 01, @08:20PM (#604029)

            Yep, Apple will claim it's a major innovation, regardless of whether San Fernando Valley, some old Indian book or Roman ruins claim prior art.

            • (Score: 3, Funny) by MostCynical on Friday December 01, @08:29PM (3 children)

              by MostCynical (2589) on Friday December 01, @08:29PM (#604035)

              Different-shaped connectors make all the difference.
              You will also need an app show you how to use it (and to ensure you don't break it off)

              Also, make sure you and your partner upgrade at the same time, as you may find your connectors are no longer compatible.

              --
              (Score: tau, Irrational)
              • (Score: 2) by bob_super on Friday December 01, @08:45PM

                by bob_super (1357) on Friday December 01, @08:45PM (#604039)

                After a decade of touting that PowerThrust is the best technique, rabid fans will have to eat crow when Apple decides to switch to IntelliTouch.

              • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @09:36PM (1 child)

                by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @09:36PM (#604061)

                ThinNet or ThickNet (Yellow Hose) cables?

                • (Score: 3, Informative) by Gaaark on Friday December 01, @10:23PM

                  by Gaaark (41) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @10:23PM (#604074) Homepage Journal

                  Your wife will STILL prefer Darknet

                  ;)

                  --
                  --- That's not flying: that's... falling... with more luck than I have. ---
      • (Score: 2) by Snotnose on Saturday December 02, @12:37AM (1 child)

        by Snotnose (1623) on Saturday December 02, @12:37AM (#604113)

        Although it should end with an "ed" suffix.

        iPoded? iPaded? iMovied? iTuned? iPhotod? iRooted? iConfused.

        • (Score: 2) by DannyB on Monday December 04, @02:47PM

          by DannyB (5839) on Monday December 04, @02:47PM (#605055)

          Look at the subject line. Add an "ed" suffix.

    • (Score: 2, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @07:13PM

      by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @07:13PM (#604009)

      You're holding it wrong.

    • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @07:46PM

      by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @07:46PM (#604012)

      Hopefully MS won't acquire the company. BSOD... Premature self-destruction triggered, you have 5 seconds to pull out then directional charges explode.

  • (Score: 5, Informative) by edIII on Friday December 01, @07:59PM (3 children)

    by edIII (791) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @07:59PM (#604018)

    It's not a condom, but a cock ring.

    • (Score: 2) by MostCynical on Friday December 01, @08:17PM

      by MostCynical (2589) on Friday December 01, @08:17PM (#604027)

      Maybe we have an explanation for some unwanted pregnancies!

      --
      (Score: tau, Irrational)
    • (Score: 3, Funny) by Gaaark on Friday December 01, @10:24PM (1 child)

      by Gaaark (41) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @10:24PM (#604075) Homepage Journal

      One ring to rule them all and in the darkness feck them?

      --
      --- That's not flying: that's... falling... with more luck than I have. ---
      • (Score: 3, Interesting) by edIII on Saturday December 02, @12:20AM

        by edIII (791) Subscriber Badge on Saturday December 02, @12:20AM (#604107)

        Sounds like a porn parody that is writing itself :)

  • (Score: 2) by tangomargarine on Friday December 01, @08:14PM (4 children)

    by tangomargarine (667) on Friday December 01, @08:14PM (#604026)

    The condom firm said its invention would help men see how they 'stack up to other people from around the world'."

    So you can feel inadequate compared to top sexers?

    The smart condom is a small band which fits around the bottom of a man's willy

    i.Con

    So it's not a condom at all, and presumably the name is a complete misnomer. Nice.

    --
    "Is that really true?" "I just spent the last hour telling you to think for yourself! Didn't you hear anything I said?"
    • (Score: 2) by bob_super on Friday December 01, @08:23PM (2 children)

      by bob_super (1357) on Friday December 01, @08:23PM (#604031)

      > So you can feel inadequate compared to top sexers?

      On the positive side, if you get systematically fragged by a ten year-old, you have probable cause to call him a cheater.

      • (Score: 2) by c0lo on Friday December 01, @11:33PM

        by c0lo (156) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @11:33PM (#604095)

        if you get systematically fragged by a ten year-old, you have probable cause to call him a cheater.

        You can call him so without paying for the thingy - he's surely a FBI agent.

      • (Score: 2) by Snotnose on Saturday December 02, @12:27AM

        by Snotnose (1623) on Saturday December 02, @12:27AM (#604109)

        Back in the 90's I wrote ethernet drivers, in the 00's I wrote 802.11x drivers, and I wrote a Bluetooth driver back in 00 or so. I'm pretty sure I can hack this protocol to make myself the ultimate camper, even though after the divorce my sex life is pretty much limited to the 127.0.0.1 interface.

    • (Score: 2) by Knowledge Troll on Saturday December 02, @07:24PM

      by Knowledge Troll (5948) on Saturday December 02, @07:24PM (#604360) Journal

      There is good money in feeding on male inadequacy fears. Lots of products use this psychology to be successful. Here we just have it being used in an extremely brazen way. I don't feel the need to measure my sexual conduct up against other people and want nothing to do with such a product. Lots of men are just waiting for the chance to whip their dicks out and measure up against others though.

  • (Score: 4, Funny) by istartedi on Friday December 01, @08:20PM (2 children)

    by istartedi (123) on Friday December 01, @08:20PM (#604030)

    It might be fun to buy this thing and put it over a baseball bat linked to a wind mill or something. Bonus points if it actually reports stats to dating sites. "Based on his biometric data, we believe this man is a 3 to 5 year old horse".

    • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @08:45PM (1 child)

      by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @08:45PM (#604040)

      Or a crystal meth user that's up for 8 hours of sex. Yeah... it happens.

  • (Score: 2) by Thexalon on Friday December 01, @08:24PM (12 children)

    by Thexalon (636) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @08:24PM (#604033) Homepage

    The condom firm said its invention would help men see how they 'stack up to other people from around the world'.

    That's approximately the last thing men would want to have: A machine telling them they're bad in bed. Especially the guys who thought they were going to find out that they're the greatest in the sack. Plus, it's not like there's a single universal standard: Different people want different things when it comes to getting it on.

    --
    If you act on pie in the sky, you're likely to get pie in the face.
    • (Score: 2) by JNCF on Friday December 01, @08:45PM (9 children)

      by JNCF (4317) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @08:45PM (#604041) Journal

      Would you rather:

      A) Not know that you were bad in bed.
      B) Have a list of things to improve on.

      Of course there's not a universal standard, and you might want to be above or below the average for a given criteria depending on the circumstances, but feedback tends to be helpful for learning loops. Think about the question in terms of any other physical activity, like jogging. Why wouldn't you want to know how much the average jogger swings their shoulders? Maybe you shouldn't swing your shoulders that much, but having a baseline comparison at least gives you something to consider.

      • (Score: 4, Informative) by Thexalon on Friday December 01, @09:24PM (2 children)

        by Thexalon (636) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @09:24PM (#604057) Homepage

        feedback tends to be helpful for learning loops

        In this activity, I don't need a technological feedback loop, because I have 2 perfectly good feedback loops:
        - My own body, which tells me if what I'm doing is good for me.
        - My partners' reactions and words, which tell me if what I'm doing is good for her.
        And those are the only opinions that matter.

        --
        If you act on pie in the sky, you're likely to get pie in the face.
        • (Score: 3, Insightful) by JNCF on Friday December 01, @09:40PM (1 child)

          by JNCF (4317) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @09:40PM (#604063) Journal

          You may have merely found a local maximum; more data might help you experiment with things you haven't tried yet, or haven't tried in the right combination.

          • (Score: 2) by Thexalon on Friday December 01, @11:53PM

            by Thexalon (636) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @11:53PM (#604101) Homepage

            The local maximum, namely what me and my partner are feeling like we both want and are able to do at a particular moment, is exactly I'm after.

            --
            If you act on pie in the sky, you're likely to get pie in the face.
      • (Score: 3, Insightful) by Gaaark on Friday December 01, @10:26PM

        by Gaaark (41) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @10:26PM (#604077) Homepage Journal

        Problem is, you'd also need to have one for your tongue and fingers or it's missing half the stats, lol.

        --
        --- That's not flying: that's... falling... with more luck than I have. ---
      • (Score: 1) by ACE209 on Saturday December 02, @12:31PM (2 children)

        by ACE209 (4762) on Saturday December 02, @12:31PM (#604236)

        ..., but feedback tends to be helpful for learning loops.

        I recommend getting that feedback from your partner instead.
        Even if it means talking to each other.

        • (Score: 2) by JNCF on Saturday December 02, @02:05PM (1 child)

          by JNCF (4317) Subscriber Badge on Saturday December 02, @02:05PM (#604266) Journal

          Note that I'm not arguing for using this device, with all of the privacy problems that would entail. I'm just arguing that the data would probably be useful for people looking to improve their sex lives. I'm also not discounting the usefulness of talking about sex with the people you're fucking, but I don't think the people I'm fucking have access to the kind of data that this magic cock-ring will -- and vice versa. There's no need to pick one source of data or the other.

          • (Score: 2) by AthanasiusKircher on Saturday December 02, @09:56PM

            by AthanasiusKircher (5291) Subscriber Badge on Saturday December 02, @09:56PM (#604414) Journal

            While it's certainly likely some useful data could come out of this (assuming it's actually legit data and not a bunch of people doing the joking stuff mentioned in many threads here), I agree with most of the other posts here. There are probably dozens of better strategies to improve your sexual performance rather than measuring stuff like thrust speed or whatever this thing is going to do.

            It's not just about talking to your partner -- it's about being open with your partner. If your partner is a woman, most women in many Western cultures are still taught to be a bit coy. Even if you have a completely open and honest relationship otherwise, talking about what gives her pleasure openly can still be very, very hard. So, working that is a long-term project in many relationships.

            Again, assuming we're talking about female partners, you also have to deal with the fact that so much of sex for women is tied up in their brains. This isn't just speculation or BS psychology; it actually has to do with measurable differences in the types of hormones that get different sexes excited, cause orgasms, are released during pleasurable sex, etc. For women, a LOT of this has to do with what's going on in their heads -- and none of that is going to be measured by a magic cock ring. If you want to improve sex for a woman, chances are spending more time with her "head" rather than worrying about thrust speed will pay a lot more dividends.

            And then even if you want to talk about physicality, you need to look at the fact that women's bodies aren't only about what a penis is doing in terms of getting pleasure. Every woman is obviously different, but while men are very centered on their penises in terms of pleasure (often), for women, there's a lot more to the act. If you're not tracking what's going on with hands and tongues and other body parts, you're losing the majority of the useful data.

            Bottom line: you're not going to suddenly become a sex god by varying your penis motion, which is seemingly the main thing this device will track. That's a very male-centric perspective on sex. Maybe you might improve your own pleasure a bit through analysis of your personal data, but it's highly doubtful to me that this sort of data is even accounting for 5% of the kind of stuff that actually is relevant to improving sex performance from a female perspective (probably less).

      • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Saturday December 02, @10:57PM (1 child)

        by Anonymous Coward on Saturday December 02, @10:57PM (#604444)

        Would you rather:

        A) Not know that you were bad in bed.
        B) Have a list of things to improve on.

        More likely:
        C) Start receiving e-mails and texts for products that prey upon one's insecurities about their sexual prowess...

        • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Saturday December 02, @11:25PM

          by Anonymous Coward on Saturday December 02, @11:25PM (#604458)

          "Start"? You must be very careful about giving out your e-mail addresses.

    • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @10:44PM (1 child)

      by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @10:44PM (#604082)

      Have you not seen this site?
      https://www.strava.com/ [strava.com]
      It's full of (mostly) guys that want to track their cycling/running performance and compare with others in their age group (or other group).

      The same hyper-competitive personality types will be all over this.

      • (Score: 2) by LoRdTAW on Friday December 01, @10:52PM

        by LoRdTAW (3755) Subscriber Badge on Friday December 01, @10:52PM (#604084) Journal

        Those are the kinda guys that love slapping *thalon stickers to their Subaru with Thule racks covered in every conceivable outdoor attachment for bikes, boards, kayaks, etc. Then they get mowed down by guys like me while drunk, high and smoking a Marlboro menthol with a fresh McDonald's cheese burger in my hand driving home from the local dive bar because I'm too lazy to walk.

  • (Score: 3, Funny) by crafoo on Friday December 01, @09:11PM (1 child)

    by crafoo (6639) on Friday December 01, @09:11PM (#604052)

    1) sexmetrics.com is already registered. fyi it redirects to some russian sex equipment site.
    2) I'm going to get one and install it on a modified air hammer.

    • (Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @10:27PM

      by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @10:27PM (#604079)

      A local shopping mall has an Xmas display of two elves alternately ducking behind a wall. They run 24hrs a day the entire season.

  • (Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @09:18PM

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01, @09:18PM (#604056)

    condom firm

    I see what you did there

  • (Score: 1) by insanumingenium on Saturday December 02, @12:05AM

    by insanumingenium (4824) Subscriber Badge on Saturday December 02, @12:05AM (#604102)

    Direct International Comparison Kinetics

    heh-heh heh-heh hey Bevis, he said dick

  • (Score: 2) by cykros on Monday December 04, @10:23PM

    by cykros (989) on Monday December 04, @10:23PM (#605353)

    So, the whole STI detection thing sounds like it'll lead to some REALLY awkward conversations. Particularly as you're presumably being notified after foreplay, in most cases. It'll be less an "abort" notifier and more a "Congratulations! You just got herpes!" notifier.

    I have a suspicion that the more close examination we give people as to what's happening at a microbiological level during their sexual encounters, the more money will pour into high tech sex toys for solo use.

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