Arthur T Knackerbracket has found the following story:
An elderly man's flatulence forced his flight to make an emergency stop after a fight broke out over his barrage of bottom burps.
Passengers flying with budget Dutch airline Transavia from Dubai to Amsterdam were reportedly put out by the man's continued farting, and asked him to stop.
But the man failed to hold it in, and when even a direct order from the pilot didn't take the wind out of his sails, two particularly incensed passengers took matters into their own hands.
Local media reported that two Dutchmen sat next to the trumper started a fight with the man, which escalated to the point where the pilot was forced to make an unscheduled stop.
On landing in Vienna, armed police boarded the plane to remove the men who caused the ruckus, along with two sisters who were seated next to them.
Also covered at The Straits Times.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @08:10AM (2 children)
Full of gas.
Global warming will kill us all.
(Score: 3, Funny) by kazzie on Friday February 23 2018, @09:36AM
'Tis an ill wind that blows no good.
(Score: 1) by shrewdsheep on Friday February 23 2018, @12:05PM
Put yourself in their shoes. Every morning it's the same thing: "Oh this horrible dutch oven we have here." But then: "At least I will be able to breath freely on today's flight..."
(Score: 5, Insightful) by c0lo on Friday February 23 2018, @08:44AM (27 children)
Ok, eating something that don'r cause gases before the flight as a preventative measure, this I could understand (even if one can't exclude the food on board may have caused it)
But once the thing started, what could the poor guy do, explode while trying to retain an amount of gas that managed to "scent" the entire plane?
Lock himself in the toilet for hours on end, risking panic and accusations of attempted terrorism once the door is forcefully opened?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFiw2jMy-0 https://soylentnews.org/~MichaelDavidCrawford
(Score: 2, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @08:49AM (6 children)
I can only afford to eat beans and fly in economy seating.
(Score: 2, Disagree) by c0lo on Friday February 23 2018, @08:53AM (4 children)
Don't ever travel LA to Sydney, there's no airport in between for unscheduled stops.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFiw2jMy-0 https://soylentnews.org/~MichaelDavidCrawford
(Score: 2, Funny) by realDonaldTrump on Friday February 23 2018, @05:11PM (3 children)
When looking for Waikiki hotels, Trump International Hotel Waikiki offers superior accommodations, location, and service. Out of all the hotels in Waikiki, this five-star hotel will surpass all expectations and make your trip worthwhile.
(Score: 2) by c0lo on Sunday February 25 2018, @10:10PM (2 children)
Sounds enticing.
How much do I have to fart to get the presidential suite?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFiw2jMy-0 https://soylentnews.org/~MichaelDavidCrawford
(Score: 2) by realDonaldTrump on Monday February 26 2018, @12:03AM (1 child)
You want our Penthouse Suite. Hugh Hefner, wonderful friend, a true ladies' man. I got so much pussy when I knew him, he always had extra ladies for me. RIP!! But we don't call this one the Playboy Suite -- I just thought of that, I like the sound of that, maybe we'll call it that -- it's the Penthouse Suite. And our rates start at $3735 American per night. For a quick stop. You stay a few nights -- 3 or more -- we can get you a break. A discount from that. Believe me, it's a very fair price. For the best rooms at a 5-star hotel, on an island in the Pacific. And you can tell your friends you stayed at a Trump hotel, at the best hotel in Hawaii. They'll be very impressed. Call +1-877-683-7401 or +1-808-683-7777, or visit our website to make your reservation. www.trumphotels.com/waikiki [trumphotels.com]
(Score: 2) by c0lo on Monday February 26 2018, @03:48AM
Nope, I want the presidential suite. The one in which if one stays, he gets to be elected POTUS.
To that big fucker, respects! RIP.
But see what your Penthouse Suite got him?
(large grin)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFiw2jMy-0 https://soylentnews.org/~MichaelDavidCrawford
(Score: 4, Funny) by kazzie on Friday February 23 2018, @09:34AM
If you eat enough beans, you'll be able to fly without needing an aeroplane!
(Score: 2, Disagree) by Rivenaleem on Friday February 23 2018, @08:51AM (10 children)
Farts can be held in, and the gasses will dissolve and be absorbed by the body to no ill effects. You won't explode.
(Score: 1, Insightful) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @09:26AM (4 children)
No, they won't. No more than you can hold your pee. It just builds up. More and more.
This is one war you will not win.
The more you fight, the louder the release will be.
Better to have lots of little pfft's than one loud trumpet blast.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @10:27AM (3 children)
If you hold on long enough, they will dissolve through the bowel wall into the bloodstream. Of course they will then come back out of solution at the other blood interface.
Hence the origin of the term Fart-Breath.
(Score: 2, Informative) by shrewdsheep on Friday February 23 2018, @11:54AM (2 children)
Citation needed. This is simply a false belief on how things work. Also the gas would be methane which is odorless. The smell would therefore not be absorbed.
(Score: 4, Informative) by c0lo on Friday February 23 2018, @12:34PM
Most of it will be CO2 and methane - resulted from anaerobic fermentation of incomplete absorption of the carbohydrates in the small intestine.
Excess CO2 - the one of the two that dissolves significantly in water (blood) - in the body causes acidosis [wikipedia.org] - prolonged periods in such a state may lead to lung failure by exhaustion [wikipedia.org]
At 37C, methane has a solubility in water of 0.017g/litre, which means about 0.001mole/litre. So, 5 litres of blood could dissolve 0.005 mole of CH4, which means about 0.1 litres of methane.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFiw2jMy-0 https://soylentnews.org/~MichaelDavidCrawford
(Score: 2) by realDonaldTrump on Monday February 26 2018, @12:09AM
Methane, some of our great airlines do the breathalyzer test for methane. And if you have methane on your breath, they put you in the farting section of the plane. We didn't have that when I had Trump Shuttle. But it's a thing now. SCIENCE!!!
(Score: 4, Informative) by c0lo on Friday February 23 2018, @11:44AM
No ill effects, ey? You are delusional, mate. You try to held in the gasses yourself after a heavy meal of beans and we'll speak afterwards.
Ruminants, particularly cows, are prone to bloating on certain feeding conditions - serious cases can kill them in 15 minutes if not resolved - the emergency treatment is puncturing skin, muscle and the rumen wall with a trocar (which is a huge needle) to get the gases out. Here's how the procedure and the trocar looks like [youtu.be]
Now, chemically, the human flesh and beef aren't that different - they should be able to dissolve the same amount of gasses. If what you said would be true, cows would have no problems with bloating.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFiw2jMy-0 https://soylentnews.org/~MichaelDavidCrawford
(Score: 3, Interesting) by stormreaver on Friday February 23 2018, @04:34PM
That's absolute nonsense. The body can absorb some of the gases, but there are limits that are easily reached. Past that limit, discomfort results. Further beyond that limit, extreme pain results. Further beyond that limit, bodily harm results.
You won't explode, but holding back lots of gas is not even remotely harmless.
(Score: 2) by realDonaldTrump on Friday February 23 2018, @05:51PM (2 children)
Holding it in can really do a number on your insides. Especially on a plane. Trust me on this one -- I owned an airline. And I fly a lot, I have my own plane. The air pressure on the plane isn't regular air pressure, it's much less. So it makes your insides swell up tremendously.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @11:17PM (1 child)
Could explain why you gained 100lb this year, eh Donny?
(Score: 2) by Wootery on Monday February 26 2018, @10:45AM
Probably just the weight of command.
(Score: 2) by turgid on Friday February 23 2018, @01:39PM (7 children)
Charcoal underpants?
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent [wikipedia.org].
(Score: 3, Interesting) by c0lo on Friday February 23 2018, @02:16PM (6 children)
Actually, activate charcoal pills [ausnaturalcare.com.au] do work.
I never fly without them: the amount of condiment in on-flight meals is an irritant to my bowels and Australia to Europe has a 14h flight(=3 meals) leg.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFiw2jMy-0 https://soylentnews.org/~MichaelDavidCrawford
(Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @03:03PM (5 children)
Orally or rectally?
(Score: 1, Informative) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @04:51PM (3 children)
Depends on the size of the pill.
(Score: 2) by realDonaldTrump on Friday February 23 2018, @05:28PM (2 children)
The ones for the ass are the biggest, they're huge. You'd think those would be the small ones, right? Trust me, they're not. And they don't call them pills.
(Score: 2) by fritsd on Friday February 23 2018, @08:55PM (1 child)
What do they call them again... rhymes with "elefants"..
psycho... sicko ...
I give up.
(Score: 2) by realDonaldTrump on Friday February 23 2018, @09:16PM
It's on the tip of my tongue.
(Score: 2) by c0lo on Sunday February 25 2018, @08:46PM
In my pocket, usually that's enough to stop farting.
(grin)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFiw2jMy-0 https://soylentnews.org/~MichaelDavidCrawford
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @05:12PM
Did he eat the lutefisk or the steak?
(Score: 3, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @09:02AM (1 child)
Fine Articles on Flatulence like this are why I come to SoylentNews! As long as there are none of those disturbing articles about the alt-right by that nasty person "aristarxhus", I think I will keep coming to SoylentNews, and let go my pent up gastro-intestinal gasses, as is appropriate for real men, ones who do not have to pay child support to purple-headed bitches that have once, possibly, had congress with a Mighty Buzzard, or some Buzzard, of some size, or not.
(Score: 2) by jdavidb on Friday February 23 2018, @02:50PM
ⓋⒶ☮✝🕊 Secession is the right of all sentient beings
(Score: 2, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @09:23AM (3 children)
I thought only Hollywood could come up with such a hilarious situation.
Being an old guy myself, and have had similar problems ( but of several less orders of magnitude ), I feel for the guy... its not like he can do a thing about it.
About the worst I have done is clear out several aisles of a book store.
No secret though. I had been fighting hard. Sounded like I was tuning up a clarinet.
Grandma let one in Church one time, an award-winner at that. I just loved the way when people in front of her started turning around to see what made such a stink in the Church, she just turned around and looked at the lady behind her. I was close enough to hear it, so I was probably the only other one in the whole church to know for sure who peeeu'd in the pew.
(Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @02:00PM (2 children)
On occasion when I am particularly foul I find it humorous to carpet bomb a random aisle in a store and take a observation post outside of the contamination area. It's hard to stifle the laughs when the victims start complaining and coughing. I have been sometimes guilty of depositing a hot smelly cloud inside elevators just as I am leaving. Timing and stealth are critical as you want to leave in there instead of having it follow you out the door. Once in college I left a cloud in a full elevator and ran up the stairs to the next floor in time to watch the entire elevator get abandoned. Good times...
(Score: 3, Informative) by edIII on Friday February 23 2018, @05:54PM (1 child)
My worst carpet bombing came in a Costco IIRC, and was nearly fatal. I'd left a particularly bad fart in an aisle, and I was leaving I looked back and saw an old lady drive into it. Literally, with a little motor cart she had to help her get around. Her face contorted, she made this pathetic little squeak, and promptly drove into a column of family sized chips. If she had hit the shelving with that cart, I dunno what would've come down from above.
It's the worst one, the one I feel most guilty about, but also one of my proudest moments :)
Technically, lunchtime is at any moment. It's just a wave function.
(Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @11:56PM
Maybe this story was a plant to find out which users are actually dudes. Proud of farting, check :)
(Score: 4, Funny) by canopic jug on Friday February 23 2018, @10:37AM (3 children)
While I am exceedingly glad that smoking is not longer allowed on planes, not even weed, I have to point out that he could have been lighting them. It would have the dual purpose of eliminating the stench as well as passing the time with entertainment for him and the people next to him. If they'd just let him have a butane lighter he could have been peaceably blueflaming the whole trip rather than precipitating a fight causing a diverted flight and excessive delays.
Another thing also resulting from security theatre is that the flights themselves are much worse. Boring as hell. Because of the long lines you can no longer chew peyote and time it so the vomiting kicks in just right to be assumed air sickness.
Money is not free speech. Elections should not be auctions.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @12:06PM (1 child)
What a neat way to keep people from sitting up real close on those cramped airline seats. The most effective thing I had seen before was a small screaming infant. Worked wonders. No-one would sit there until the plane was completely full.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by The Archon V2.0 on Friday February 23 2018, @03:12PM
> The most effective thing I had seen before was a small screaming infant.
So what you're saying is we need to feed the baby beans and then improvise some sort of crowd control weapon out of it.
(Score: 2) by EETech1 on Friday February 23 2018, @02:54PM
Ol' Musky got his own flamethrower!
~~~~~
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(Score: 5, Insightful) by aiwarrior on Friday February 23 2018, @11:32AM (6 children)
I do not understand why such a fuss and not make him go to the bathroom for some time. Holding it is not a good idea as the farts are often triggered by the pressure differences that happen in altitude.
What a bunch of idiots to get in a fight because of a fart of an old man. Yeah it may not be pleasant but this was obviously a medical condition and that is it, get over it. Bloody prudes
(Score: 4, Funny) by c0lo on Friday February 23 2018, @12:54PM
Any spark and the methane and hydrogen [nih.gov] trapped in the confined space would blow the plane out of the sky. Don't give ideas to suicide bom... sorry, farters I meant.
(grin)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFiw2jMy-0 https://soylentnews.org/~MichaelDavidCrawford
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @03:03PM (4 children)
The people who got ejected were Moroccan Dutch. Probably felt offended in their honor. How did the Dutch end up with them; they never colonized that place.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @03:06PM (3 children)
In fairness, the sisters were also Moroccan, but appear to have been innocent bysitters.
(Score: 2) by aiwarrior on Friday February 23 2018, @04:03PM (2 children)
Where in the article do you get the information about morroco descent of the the Dutch?
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @04:38PM
I saw this story a few days back in another paper.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @06:27PM
From Huffpo:
All four people reportedly shared Dutch and Moroccan ancestry, but the two women claim they were simply sitting in the same row as the men involved with the incident.
From nltimes.nl:
The women, sisters returning from a vacation in Dubai, are pressing charges against the airline. They believe they were unjustly removed from the plane, possibly because they and the two men share a Moroccan appearance, 25-year-old Nora Lachhab said to the newspaper. "A shocking, frightening and humiliating experience. We have hired a lawyer."
(Score: 2, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @03:10PM
So now sitting next to someone that farts gets you arrested! Even if you are a nun?
(Score: 1, Touché) by Anonymous Coward on Friday February 23 2018, @03:28PM
The result of holding in so much Trumpgret for so long. You can't contain that much hot air forever.
(Score: 2) by DannyB on Friday February 23 2018, @06:11PM
From TFA . . .
Next time, try making political speech from the correct orifice?
To transfer files: right-click on file, pick Copy. Unplug mouse, plug mouse into other computer. Right-click, paste.
(Score: 2) by Osamabobama on Friday February 23 2018, @07:05PM
I don't have any Flying Dutchman jokes, but I would like to encourage others to supply some. I submit this comment as a placeholder under which to collect them.
Appended to the end of comments you post. Max: 120 chars.
(Score: 2, Informative) by madclicker on Friday February 23 2018, @07:11PM
Unknowingly, if you have any issues with your pancreas this stops being funny.
Your stomach is not processing any kind of food properly and a person is unable to stop releasing gas.