Why do people stay in unsatisfying romantic relationships? A new study suggests it may be because they view leaving as bad for their partner. The study, being published in the November 2018 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, explored the possibility that people deciding whether to end a relationship consider not only their own desires but also how much they think their partner wants and needs the relationship to continue.
Study that finds it's not just the investment of time, resources and emotion
[Source]: University of Utah
[Abtract]: How interdependent are stay/leave decisions?[requires js]
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Study Suggests People Who Stay in Unsatisfying Relationships View Leaving as Bad for Their Partner
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(Score: 0, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @02:52AM (17 children)
A news you can use, here on SoylentNews.
(Score: 2, Funny) by mrpg on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:13AM
I won't leave you, you'd suffer.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by krishnoid on Tuesday October 23 2018, @04:52AM (15 children)
Maybe if you're in an unsatisfying relationship, you could find the challenges, design and implement a variety of solutions, and don't worry too much about whether they work or not. Then once you leave for a better partner(s), you'll have a lot of solid experience under your belt and they'll be blown away with your mad relationship skillz.
You just have to hope that you have enough impatience to not put up with a bad relationship without trying something, the hubris to think that you can work out candidate solutions to any of these problems, and if you're lucky, your partner will take a load off by providing the necessary laziness.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @12:41PM (14 children)
wtf is with all the downmodding here?
*logs in and fixes*
(Score: 3, Interesting) by RS3 on Tuesday October 23 2018, @01:25PM (13 children)
> wtf is with all the downmodding here?
I've been wondering that for a long time. Downmods sting, esp. when it makes no sense. Makes me mostly keep quiet when I would like to join in. I'm sure it affects many/most of us. A lot of good collaboration, information, wisdom, progress is lost. I rarely downmod, and only when it's an obvious troll. Never just because I disagree with someone's opinion, view, experience, etc.
It might be interesting to keep track of, and reveal, who downmods what, or at least a running count of up vs. downmods. I don't know, more important things to think about right now...
(Score: 4, Insightful) by The Mighty Buzzard on Tuesday October 23 2018, @01:55PM (6 children)
Nah. Unless you're actually trolling, a downmod is just unimpeachable confirmation that you're using your brain more effectively than whoever downmodded you. You're willing to consider a side of $discussion that sends them into a tantrum that would do a small child proud. Plus, they usually get corrected by people who prefer to use their brains rather than their hearts for thinking.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 3, Funny) by RS3 on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:40PM (5 children)
Thank you, seriously. Makes perfect sense. I forget your psychologist rates and pay- hookers and blow as usual? How about some fancy lures this time?
(Score: 3, Funny) by The Mighty Buzzard on Tuesday October 23 2018, @10:31PM (4 children)
Either works. Or booze of course.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 2) by RS3 on Wednesday October 24 2018, @02:01AM (3 children)
Are you and ethanol-fueled one in the same?
(Score: 2) by The Mighty Buzzard on Wednesday October 24 2018, @02:13AM (2 children)
Nah, he's a Californicator and I doubt he even knows which end of a fish is supposed to bite the hook. Plus, I rarely drink to excess. If I have more than four drinks in any given month, it was a heavy drinking month for me. Now I do have those but mostly I prefer maybe a good scotch on the porch or a beer with a pizza once a week or so.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 2) by RS3 on Wednesday October 24 2018, @03:14AM (1 child)
A reasonably healthy respect for that important grey matter.
The few times I've fished I've caught a turtle and a tire. I released the turtle.
(Score: 3, Funny) by The Mighty Buzzard on Wednesday October 24 2018, @01:27PM
Sensible. Tires aren't usually free like that.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 2, Flamebait) by Runaway1956 on Tuesday October 23 2018, @02:06PM (3 children)
Don't sweat the mods, guys. There are a few of us who flap our gums, just to keep things interesting. We regularly get downmodded. It's no big thing. I recently trolled a thread where I was downmodded at LEAST ten times - probably more. But, since things are so partisan around here, I was also upmodded. Unless you're a dedicated troll, with serious troll skillz, you'll probably never see your karma below 45 or so. The only two people that I know for sure who have accomplished extremely low karma are Aristarchus, and Ethanol.
If you take karma seriously, and you see yourself sink below 40, then it's time to back off the trolling for awhile. Since I don't really care a lot, it would be fun to flirt with the low 20's - but I've never been there.
I also upmod posts sometimes made by AC's and members alike, because I think they've been unfairly modded. Others do the same, as evidenced by the AC post above.
(Score: 4, Interesting) by RS3 on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:44PM (2 children)
Thank you so much. I'm going through a very difficult situation so I'm a bit on edge.
I'm a pretty curious open-minded person, so I enjoy people's views, even if they differ from mine at the time. I like new perspectives, and you are one of the most insightful here, so thank you again. Somehow (education) this board is making us all better, and somehow we're making the world a little bit better.
Yeah, I upmod ACs too.
(Score: 2) by krishnoid on Wednesday October 24 2018, @09:22PM (1 child)
I bet you are, you sound like the kind of dum-dum doodoo-head who would like that kind of stuff.
I never went on BBS's during their heyday -- was the color of discussion more along the lines of discourse of ideas rather than a bunch of bad-faith postulates, arguments targeting presumed ad-hominem biases, or just straight-up ad-hominem attacks? I feel like I'm starting to forget now that I'm immersed in modern-day communications (or maybe it's just age).
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday October 26 2018, @11:24PM
I mostly went to them for doorgames and file downloads, so I only read the forums once or twice out of curiousity, rather than actively posting to them (I didn't have much unique or insightful to say back in those days.) Quite a bit of it was trolling, lewd comments, and most of the rest was discussion about warez or conspiracies.
Having said that, most ops were interesting to talk to, there was some fun to be had in the message queue of some games (trade wars and LORD in particular).
(Score: 1, Insightful) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:34PM (1 child)
when i am logged in and posting... i dont even notice being downmodded. its not like i go back and look.
usually i am so far behind that whatever i am replying to is an article at the bottom of the main page anyway. its hard to keep current.
but i can see how itd stifle discussion if everyone was downmodded. it defeats the purpose of showing whats good if everything is moderated to suck...
(Score: 2) by RS3 on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:48PM
Thank you too, AC. The downmods sting when I don't think I wrote anything terrible, controversial, etc. For me it's about learning and improvement. The downmod reminds me of getting a bad grade on an exam or paper, but never knowing what was wrong. There's no learning in that scenario. I always tried to get my exams and see what I did right or wrong. No matter, you've all inspired me so thanks!
(Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:21AM
From the should-i-stay-or-should-i-go? dept.
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So ya gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
(Score: 5, Funny) by ilPapa on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:24AM
Let me ask my wife.
[just kidding, honey-bunny.]
You are still welcome on my lawn.
(Score: 5, Insightful) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:25AM (15 children)
A romantic relationship is a very complex thing.
I believe many people have unrealistic expectations about such relationships.
Sure, things start out red-hot and you fuck like rabbits and it's all you can think about, but that is a stage and it always ends. What comes after is a much closer approximation of the reality of the situation.
So what defines "satisfaction" ? Obviously the answer will vary from one person to the next, but I believe unrealistic expectations can and do undermine the notion of whether one is "satisfied" or not.
I've been in quite a few romantic relationships and I think once you're past the initial stage described above, things like common goals will come to define whether the relationship is satisfying or not.
Relationships require work and maintenance, like many other complex bits of machinery. I believe most people expect things to just magically work and when that doesn't happen, they consider the relationship a failure. I submit that these people will find themselves in a repeating pattern of failed relationships because the true cause of the failure was the expectation that the relationship would be maintenance-free if it was the "right" relationship. Of course no such relationship exists in the real world. So people get disappointed and they split up because the reality didn't fit the fantasy. Will the fantasy ever come true if you keep trying ? Not likely !
(Score: 2) by MichaelDavidCrawford on Tuesday October 23 2018, @07:02AM (3 children)
To the extent Bonita and I were working together on a common goal, our relationship worked really well.
Quite ironically, shopping for then purchasing a house, then later preparing that house for sale then actually selling it were high points for us.
Not so actually living in it.
I have two friends who do something I find odd in that it's not commonly done: they pursue the same hobbies together. For example a while back they were both into making stained glass.
Bonita quite obviously has far more musical talent than I do but refused to learn to play the piano because "It's your thing". I was hoping for a thing that we could share.
Yes I Have No Bananas. [gofundme.com]
(Score: 3, Insightful) by Runaway1956 on Tuesday October 23 2018, @02:14PM (2 children)
I gotta comment on that - just have to!
Interests change over the years. I have shared hobbies with my wife, from time to time. I mean, we actually worked hard, together, to make something. Other times, we've shared an interest, that became a competition between us. And, far more often, she does her thing, while I do mine, only asking for a bit of help from time to time when we find something we can't do ourselves.
As for changing interests - I can remember when she crocheted stuff madly. It seems like she had her hooks at hand around the clock. Then - she did something else, and those crochet hooks just disappeared.
Your hobbies and interests should be learning and growing experiences. Let them change. Always be ready to share with your special other, but there's no need to insist that they get interested in the same things you like. Allow that special other to develop his/her own mad skillz, and show appreciation for the work they've put into that hobby or interest.
Live and let live - right?
(Score: 3, Insightful) by HiThere on Tuesday October 23 2018, @04:04PM (1 child)
I've just *got* to respond here. A relationship depends on a mix of shared goals and different skills...and time spent together companionably. Also on working through relationship problems satisfactorily...and there will be problems. The ways we used might not help someone else, but we used to always discuss problems with the shared goal of defusing the emotions. And tell her frequently and explicitly and verbally that you love her. That felt really strange at first, but it turned out to be quite important.
Javascript is what you use to allow unknown third parties to run software you have no idea about on your computer.
(Score: 3, Informative) by MichaelDavidCrawford on Tuesday October 23 2018, @04:11PM
There are some people who when in a relationship are simply incapable of doing that.
One such was a good friend of mine who wrecked his car while driving drunk. He was sentenced to among other things alcoholism treatment. It was during one such therapy session that he said "I love you" for the very first time to his girlfriend of five years.
Back in the day Bonita and I were down to our last twenty dollars, we had very little food and no heating oil in the middle of a New England winter. She was just freaking, she asked me to go out and buy some food with that twenty. Do you want to know what I actually did?
I bought her a dozen roses. Best decision I ever made.
Yes I Have No Bananas. [gofundme.com]
(Score: 5, Interesting) by The Mighty Buzzard on Tuesday October 23 2018, @02:20PM (10 children)
That ain't no shit. The whole "marrying for
loveinfatuation" thing is hands down the most bloody stupid trait western civilization has ever decided it wanted to adopt. It's all fine and good to marry for reasons of infatuation if you're both in a position where your combined resources and abilities are going to satisfy both of you for your lifetimes but that is the only situation where it is not objectively better to pick your partner rationally rather than emotionally.Why the strike? Because most people don't even know what love is or that it's not possible to marry for it. Infatuation is what you desire. Love is caring about the well being and happiness of another. If that other person is looking to marry you because of their infatuation with you, you are harming them rather than aiding them by agreeing.
Recent history has fairly well proven that marrying for mutual infatuation is a coin-flip or worse as to whether you will end up hating each other enough to divorce. If you wish to not be a dumbass, marry someone with whom you are financially, mentally, and emotionally compatible (not the same, compatible); it's damned near a foregone conclusion that you will love them and they you.
Note I did not mention sexual compatibility. If sex is important enough to you that it could ruin an otherwise perfect relationship, you are mentally ill and should seek help.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by etherscythe on Tuesday October 23 2018, @05:35PM (5 children)
Depends how you define marriage. Legally, marriage is a contract. However, our culture has built it into a central form of identity and status. If you're in it for the comfortable retirement and your partner knows that, great. If you're in it for the social benefits and your partner is too, great. If your goals are mismatched, though, you need to make sure you're both OK with where you are and where you're going. It's wise to be prepared for people to evolve as individuals, too. People do change, especially over the lifetimes modern medicine and nutrition have made possible.
...or you're human, and you're in touch with your needs. Not everyone has the same desires. Just because personal needs are important to you does not make you mentally ill, no matter what the bible-thumpers might say. This does not guarantee disaster - it's possible for an open relationship to solve issues like this, if you're sufficiently emotionally mature and committed to each others' happiness. This, of course, is not
foreveryone."Fake News: anything reported outside of my own personally chosen echo chamber"
(Score: 3, Insightful) by The Mighty Buzzard on Tuesday October 23 2018, @10:38PM (4 children)
Orgasms aren't a need for mentally healthy people, they're a desire. They're even a desire that it's dead simple to take care of yourself. You can tell they're a desire by how nobody has ever died or even been crippled by lack of orgasms. So, yes, if you are so utterly unable to overcome your animal nature with your rational mind that you see sex as a need, you are mentally ill.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 2) by etherscythe on Thursday October 25 2018, @05:50PM (3 children)
Yeah, in third world countries where things like food can be hard to come by, it doesn't really rate. However, in Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs, I would definitely say it could rank as high as 3rd tier. It's a social need as much as a physiological one. We don't live in a third-world country, I suspect - maintaining our lifestyle is rather more complex than your gross oversimplification.
Now, in terms of those people who claim that they are somehow owed a particular form of relief from someone else, or that their urges exceed their ability to keep their hands to themselves, then I will completely agree with you. Those people need strong behavioral correction of some kind.
"Fake News: anything reported outside of my own personally chosen echo chamber"
(Score: 2) by The Mighty Buzzard on Thursday October 25 2018, @11:08PM (2 children)
I stated it simply because the definitions of the words clearly have zero overlap. You're letting education make a fool of you. Needs are what you have to have. Period. All the rest are desires.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 2) by etherscythe on Friday October 26 2018, @05:12PM (1 child)
The world is not so black and white - mental health has requirements not so well understood. You can say that social needs are a desire and not a need, but the medical field has a term that describes what happens in the absence of those soft factors: "failure to thrive". It is a condition which significantly reduces survival and recovery rates. Ask a POW, if you can find one. I have it on good authority that this is not just theoretical.
We are playing a game of semantics, but I say that such a narrow definition of "need" is useless for practical purposes in the world of actual people, and not just zoo animals.
"Fake News: anything reported outside of my own personally chosen echo chamber"
(Score: 2) by The Mighty Buzzard on Friday October 26 2018, @08:00PM
The definition of the word "needs" is black and white though. Literally unless you have some funky color scheme in your browser. If you want social crap to be thought of as a need, prove it. Either way, sex is never going to be numbered among your needs because mentally healthy people can both survive and thrive without having any sex whatsoever. They may be unhappy about that aspect of their life or not but wanting something does not make it a need.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @11:55PM (3 children)
You know what's a clear sign of mental illness? A strange compulsive desire to ruin an otherwise good discussion forum by trolling. As you do.
You, sir, are mentally I'll by any reasonable standard and your hypocritical blithe responses above on this thread about "oh yeah I get down modded sometimes..." are just proof of your denial of your mental illness.
And then you -- Mr. "Pull Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps" -- who couldn't see compassion for another human being if your life depended on it... You dare to pontificate on "love," when you don't know the meaning of the word!? How dare you!!
Seek psychological help soon. Seriously. I'm truly serious, because you're displaying personality traits of a sociopath.
(Score: 3, Informative) by The Mighty Buzzard on Wednesday October 24 2018, @12:28AM (2 children)
You really need to work on your definition of trolling. It's incorrect. It does not mean "saying something I don't want to hear".
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday October 24 2018, @10:31AM (1 child)
Obviously. Duh.
Trolling does include being insincere in comments to get people worked up. Trolling is also related to flaming and generally just being a jerk.
Things you do to ruin this site.
Seek help soon. Seriously.
(Score: 2) by The Mighty Buzzard on Wednesday October 24 2018, @01:31PM
I haven't trolled in months. Reasonable, sincere disagreement just butthurts you that badly.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: -1, Redundant) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:28AM (5 children)
"...and I want all the love that I can't get too"
- Sisters of Mercy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BURM7l6_pvg [youtube.com]
(Score: 1) by Arik on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:49AM (4 children)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjDLc-8tW2I
Might be a bit more on point.
If laughter is the best medicine, who are the best doctors?
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:56AM (2 children)
No, THIS is what you want- a song done right: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtQUJMBH8uE [youtube.com]
(Score: 2, Interesting) by Arik on Tuesday October 23 2018, @04:17AM (1 child)
Leo Moracchioli is simultaneously overkill and underkill for this song. It just doesn't suit his skills.
Leo's skills are better showcased with something like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0RV0kgdqJU
It takes a serious fret-wizard (which he is) to embellish some of those lines and get away with it.
"Hello" has nothing to challenge his strengths. And while he does try, he's not nearly the same calibre of comedian as he is a fret-wizard.
Sorry, gotta call em as I see em.
Good cover of Hello?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emG3YhU9Efg
If laughter is the best medicine, who are the best doctors?
(Score: 2) by Zinho on Tuesday October 23 2018, @03:51PM
I agree, and yet I still prefer his version to Adele's; I find her performance understated for the tone of the song, and Leo's metal uplift corrects that.
I'm not in a position now to watch your suggested better cover (posting from work, firewall blocks the Tube), but I look forward to seeing someone improve on Leo's performance.
"Space Exploration is not endless circles in low earth orbit." -Buzz Aldrin
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @04:01AM
"While that's a good song, it's not really apropos."
/
You confuse your opinion with fact.
A baseball bat can fix that.
(Score: 2) by MichaelDavidCrawford on Tuesday October 23 2018, @06:57AM
I had all kinds of reasons to want to leave my ex. I did not do so because I feared she would commit suicide.
Eventually it was her who made the decision to divorce. While I miss her sometimes ultimately our divorce was the right thing for both of us.
Yes I Have No Bananas. [gofundme.com]
(Score: 2) by KritonK on Tuesday October 23 2018, @06:58AM (3 children)
If you worry about the effect of the break-up on your partner, this means that you care about them. If you do care, why would you want to break up;
(Score: 3, Interesting) by Unixnut on Tuesday October 23 2018, @11:49AM
> If you worry about the effect of the break-up on your partner, this means that you care about them. If you do care, why would you want to break up;
Because sometimes relationships don't work out for reasons other that caring (or not) for one another?
Things like whether you and your partners life goals match, or whether you are compatible in living together as examples. A common issue (for example) is when a couple can't agree on whether to have kids or not. They may find that one partner really wants to settle down and start a family, while the other does not think that is the way they want to spend the next 20+ years of their life. Other times relationships can't work due to cultural or religious differences (I've seen that happen many times).
Relationships are complex things, and the emotional bond is just one of many factors to consider.
(Score: 2) by RS3 on Tuesday October 23 2018, @01:41PM
> If you do care, why would you want to break up;
Relationships are much more complex than that. People don't necessarily want to break up; sometimes it's necessary because one person is being hurt too much somehow.
There are parallel threads happening. Some aspects can be mutually beneficial, where some can be be very imbalanced. Most relationships are two-way. Rarely can someone just give and give with nothing in return. That's just the reality, despite some of the psychobabble to the contrary. I have a good friend whose girlfriend (fiancee) drains him financially. It's been going on for years. He keeps saying how much he loves her, but he really gets nothing in return. She's not much of a friend nor companion (at all). He just did an accounting over the past year and it's pretty bad and I think the end is drawing nigh.
(Score: 2) by etherscythe on Tuesday October 23 2018, @05:18PM
Love is not all you need. It is possible to care for someone, and be TOTALLY wrong for them - or them for you. Studies have shown you need to have about a 5:1 ratio of good experiences to bad experiences being with someone to be a healthy, happy relationship. There may be some down times when things aren't great, and that doesn't mean it's time to break up, but on your average baseline let's say, that's what you want to see.
"Fake News: anything reported outside of my own personally chosen echo chamber"
(Score: 1, Offtopic) by MichaelDavidCrawford on Tuesday October 23 2018, @06:59AM
"Inglese: 'paper'."
It took a little while for her to catch on.
"Papel"
"El papel? La papel?"
"El papel!" Now she knows watch I'm up to.
Next time I'll bring her flowers, The International Language.
Yes I Have No Bananas. [gofundme.com]
(Score: 2, Interesting) by MichaelDavidCrawford on Tuesday October 23 2018, @07:04AM (1 child)
'Nuff sed.
Yes I Have No Bananas. [gofundme.com]
(Score: 3, Touché) by Alfred on Tuesday October 23 2018, @01:16PM
;-P
(Score: 2) by aristarchus on Tuesday October 23 2018, @07:11AM
There must be 50 ways to leave your lover. [genius.com] Making new plans, Sam. Wearing new crocs, Hos!
But, orthodoxy.
Poor bastards for whom their better half is actually better, and stays just to take care of them. Kind of like having a Mother, motherfuckers.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @10:41AM
Runaway, I just cain't quit you!
(Score: 1, Touché) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @07:15PM (2 children)
So, is there a wedding picture of you standing there at the alter, with your fingers crossed behind your back?
I hate you people. A promise is a promise. Keep it. The only way out is death, and that had better not be intentional death.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @09:41PM (1 child)
You can take my life, but you can't take my death.
I chose when I will die.
As an endling I don't see the need for caring why anyone thinks I should live.
(Score: 3, Funny) by The Mighty Buzzard on Tuesday October 23 2018, @10:40PM
Who said anyone thinks you should live? Cue the M*A*S*H theme song.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 23 2018, @09:46PM
I have one of these. I know it. She knows it. Day in. Day out.
Sex is basically masturbation using another person.
Watching sex scenes in tv shows and movies is terrible. It's like standing outside a candy store with a $50 note unable to walk in the door while other people walk in and out buying what they want.
I really do understand why people use prostitutes now.
She gives me blue balls. Doesn't care. But when she is horny? Watch out.
I stay because the alternative is worse.