Hang in There. As Couples Age, Humor Replaces Bickering:
Honeymoon long over? Hang in there. A new University of California, Berkeley, study shows those prickly disagreements that can mark the early and middle years of marriage mellow with age as conflicts give way to humor and acceptance.
Researchers analyzed videotaped conversations between 87 middle-aged and older husbands and wives who had been married for 15 to 35 years, and tracked their emotional interactions over the course of 13 years. They found that as couples aged, they showed more humor and tenderness towards another.
Overall, the findings, just published in the journal Emotion, showed an increase in such positive behaviors as humor and affection and a decrease in negative behaviors such as defensiveness and criticism. The results challenge long-held theories that emotions flatten or deteriorate in old age and point instead to an emotionally positive trajectory for long-term married couples.
Journal Reference:
Alice Verstaen, Claudia M. Haase, Sandy J. Lwi, Robert W. Levenson. Age-related changes in emotional behavior: Evidence from a 13-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples.. Emotion, 2018; DOI: 10.1037/emo0000551
A sense of humor is key.
(Score: 5, Insightful) by suburbanitemediocrity on Tuesday December 04 2018, @08:14PM (15 children)
you just give up and accept your fate.
(Score: 5, Insightful) by DannyB on Tuesday December 04 2018, @08:37PM (4 children)
Maybe a cynical way to put it, but it's true.
You learn to be less selfish. You're not going to get everything you want in life, so pick what's important.
It's more than simply accepting your fate.
As you become more mutually dependent on each other, a deep trust develops. There is nobody else I would so implicitly trust with all my earthly goods, medical decisions, end of life decisions, etc.
The lower I set my standards the more accomplishments I have.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @09:32PM (1 child)
Literally.
(Score: 2, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @11:06PM
Wanker.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by suburbanitemediocrity on Tuesday December 04 2018, @11:02PM (1 child)
It wasn't meant to be cynical. Part of maturation.
(Score: 2) by DannyB on Wednesday December 05 2018, @03:38PM
In any case, as I said: it is true. So true.
The lower I set my standards the more accomplishments I have.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by realDonaldTrump on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:12PM (3 children)
Get out there. And meet someone new! Someone "sexy." I think you probably can easily, you can. But I have so many friends when they call me they want to hang out because they think -- and at a thought of an amazing phenomena. How they eat people for lunch and they are the toughest, meanest, most miserable, most brilliant people. But if they meet a woman at 7:30 in the evening, they freeze, they got locked jaw. Crazy!
(Score: 1, Insightful) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 05 2018, @02:39PM (2 children)
Real Trump, your usually excellent Soylent posts have grown a bit flabby.
I hope for your fans you rise to your former level.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by realDonaldTrump on Wednesday December 05 2018, @03:23PM (1 child)
Meet, I meant meet. Not eat. By the way, Bill Clinton. His wife lets him do whatever he wants. Whoever he wants. And actually, I think she encourages him. Marriage can be A LOT of fun -- when you find the right woman!!
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 05 2018, @05:33PM
The standard is achieved once more!
Say hi to Melania for me if you see her this week.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:30PM (2 children)
So, does this only apply to married couples? What about couples who have been together a long time but who are not married?
(Score: 2) by DannyB on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:51PM (1 child)
Since there are administrative and legal benefits to being married, I suspect people who live together, even a long time, cling at least somewhat to the idea that they could separate easily. An escape hatch.
That is an assumption. It could be wrong. Or in some instances.
The lower I set my standards the more accomplishments I have.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @11:35PM
No one separates easily, and the only escape hatch is a hole in the ground.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by legont on Wednesday December 05 2018, @03:06AM
I am too lazy to read let alone check the research, but it is probably because couples without humor and acceptance were long divorced and as such not counted.
So, there is no point to hang in there. It will not get better.
"Wealth is the relentless enemy of understanding" - John Kenneth Galbraith.
(Score: 2) by Nuke on Wednesday December 05 2018, @12:31PM
suburbanitemediocrity wrote :-
Is that how you got your SN name?
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 05 2018, @05:57PM
kind of like what happens to the american voter. the older voters seem to think the government is just good folks trying to help and everything is basically fine.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @08:21PM
This is kind of obvious.
1. 'quirky', fun behaviour is adored (first 1-3 years) - the other is a gift
2. then, 'quirky' behaviour is despised (after 5-15 years) - the other is an intrusion
3. 'quirky' behaviour is accepted (after 20 years) - the other becomes part of "you"
That's my observation just of my parents (and others), especially from the more emotional side. As long as people accept they are not special, they may shortcut the middle-years by displaying some tenderness towards each other on regular basis. Then at least they would not be miserable or make stupid decisions.
(Score: 1, Informative) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @08:27PM (1 child)
Thanks for remembering that I'm alone...
sniff
(Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:48PM
a/s/l?
(Score: 5, Insightful) by Gaaark on Tuesday December 04 2018, @08:38PM
that when my wife and I fight, it is because one or both of us is tired or stressed.
When I say "We're just tired, let's just stop now before we regret it" it DOES stop because we realize we're heading into territory we don't go when we're not tired. Usually we joke about what we began fighting about because it is usually SOMETHING STUPID!
Wish I'd discovered this trick YEARS ago.
--- Please remind me if I haven't been civil to you: I'm channeling MDC. ---Gaaark 2.0 ---
(Score: 5, Funny) by gawdonblue on Tuesday December 04 2018, @08:47PM (1 child)
Psychologists have long known that the 5 stages of marriage are:
1. Denial and isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
6. Humour
8. Loss of numeracy skills
9. Conflating unrelated memes
10. ????
11. Profit!
(Score: 5, Funny) by Bot on Tuesday December 04 2018, @09:16PM
I had modeled marriage in 3 stages, instead.
1. fuck
2. "honey I'm pregnant"
3. "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"
Account abandoned.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by bzipitidoo on Tuesday December 04 2018, @08:48PM (9 children)
And yet, I hear of couples who stayed together for 20 to 40 years, then divorced. As to why, some stay together, live with a shaky truce, only until the kids are adults, then split. If not for their children, they would have divorced much sooner. In other cases, one of the partners worsens as they age, becoming more paranoid, crazy, and downright dangerous.
Perhaps those are exceptional cases, and this study highlights and explains the more usual trajectory?
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @08:58PM (3 children)
Exceptions. The highest divorce rate is less than 10 years, and reduces as the marriage goes longer. Kids and financial dependence are obvious reasons for staying together when they'd otherwise split.
But, the easiest people to get in the sack are younger people that have been married about 2-3 years. They honeymoon is over, and they see all their friends partying hard and getting laid. They are desperate for a clandestine romp in the hay.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:41PM (2 children)
Kids actually make the marriage/relationship more likely to break down, but not divorce. It's no surprise that adding a screaming ball of stress which saps your time, sleep, finances, and ability to have alone time with your partner would cause trouble in a relationship. So, the couple may stay together 'for the kids,' but the kid will definitely notice that their parents don't seem to get along at all, and neither will it be good for the parents' mental health.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 05 2018, @02:36PM (1 child)
I will point out that humans, indeed any living thing, have been raising babies since their existence as a species.
To say that children cause marriages to fail seems... statistically not the majority case.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 05 2018, @03:00PM
I will add to my post (parent) that we would have to define the meaning of "marriage breakdown" first.
Maybe what you call "breakdown" I just call "stress".
We both agree that children are not the carefree bliss shown on a Hallmark card, but I would say that a relationship that has not been tested may not have been that strong to start with. You may say there's no point in beating something repeatedly just to see if it can survive it, and I confess I don't have a logical comeback for that argument except to say that people (collectively) are meant to have kids, so it's not something that you can't handle provided you are committed.
(Score: 5, Interesting) by The Mighty Buzzard on Tuesday December 04 2018, @09:28PM (1 child)
That's not so much unfitness for each other as unfitness as a human being in general. If you don't buy into tribalism on a family level at least, you're not going to be happy with anybody. If you do buy into tribalism on a family level, it's not an issue; you fight and you make up. Small scale tribalism is what allowed humanity to thrive at all, though the jury's still out on how far upwards scales with us.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 05 2018, @10:28PM
It scales all the way up to "they have a different skin color"
(Score: 4, Interesting) by mr_bad_influence on Tuesday December 04 2018, @09:47PM (2 children)
One cause of divorce after a long period of marriage seems to be retirement. When couples, who may not have a solid foundation for their marriage, find themselves together 24x7 all of the suppressed insecurities and annoyances can surface. I love my wife but I'm happy we have separate interests and friends as well as mutual ones. We both need our time alone, it helps us appreciate each other more. FWIW - married to the same woman for over 37 years, no children.
(Score: 2) by AthanasiusKircher on Wednesday December 05 2018, @02:01AM (1 child)
You don't need to wait until retirement -- there's the "empty nest" syndrome that can set in well before that.
Someone above said that people find each other's quirks amsuing for the first few years. Sounds about right. Traditional timeline would be to spend that time courting, then marry, and by the time the initial delusion and novelty wears off, you have kids... Which provide a great distraction from relationship problems for 20 years or more. Then kids leave, and suddenly there's nobody to pick up from activities and occupy your weekends attending games or recitals... And suddenly you have to live alone with your spouse again.
Retirement can be another hurdle, but if you're lucky, you've already come to peace by that time with each other's company. I bet if you look at stats, there's likely a lot more divorce at onset of "empty nest" (as well as mid-life crisis, which used to correspond to empty nest, but now with people having kids later more likely occurs as kids become teenagers and need less active care which also forces spouses to talk again rather than just get distracted with kids and related chores). By the time you hit retirement I assume most people are resigned to their fate. (Which isn't generally as dire as it sounds.)
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 05 2018, @02:47PM
I agree with many of your points but not the "traditional" timeline for having children.
Traditionally, pre-birth control, you started fucking and POP! out comes the first baby.
You were still in the ga-ga, how cute my woman or man is, when you had your kid. This all makes sense evolutionarily because this is how you ensure the species is propagated in greatest numbers. The haze of lust/love is the lure for reproduction.
(Score: 3, Interesting) by pipedwho on Tuesday December 04 2018, @08:53PM (7 children)
I wonder if they controlled for the age of the players, and not just the duration of the game?
Is it because older people are more accepting as they look back instead of forward?
20-30s looking forward to things in life that you might be dealt in some undefined future (either in or out of your control)
40-60s looking back at the past and projecting with a last ditch urgency as the future looms close
70+ the end is nigh, acceptance of fate as the future is now or never
Obviously the above a gross generalisations, but this is true of life in general, and not just marriage.
(Score: 4, Insightful) by The Mighty Buzzard on Tuesday December 04 2018, @09:31PM (4 children)
Shit, if you're looking for life to hand you happiness, you're going to be sorely disappointed. You have to carve out your own happiness.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 0, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:02PM (2 children)
I didn't figure you for a surgeon, let alone one who would do her own gender reassignment surgery.
(Score: 3, Funny) by The Mighty Buzzard on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:29PM (1 child)
I was talking about filleting fish. I have no idea what you're talking about.
My rights don't end where your fear begins.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 05 2018, @10:30PM
You've never made fish tacos??? Time to head south and learn some tasty tricks to handling meat.
(Score: 2) by HiThere on Wednesday December 05 2018, @12:10AM
That's "sort of" correct in this context. I found that if we resolved what we were fighting about (not the fight, but the goal of the fight) that the fight tended to evaporate. The important step towards solving the problem was being willing to get clear on just what the problem was.
Also important was to let the partner know that you loved them, even if, at the time, you couldn't resolve the argument.
Javascript is what you use to allow unknown third parties to run software you have no idea about on your computer.
(Score: 4, Interesting) by DannyB on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:58PM (1 child)
Age 40 is about when most men have a mid life crisis. This is because the realization suddenly hits them that they are not going to live forever. Many of the dreams they had in their 20s and 30s of what they would do 'someday' are not going to get done. Ever.
So they look for a new partner half their age. A flashy new car. Etc.
I think it has been nice to grow old with some dignity and skip that. But I also pray a lot. In my view, I am just passing through this clown circus of a world we live in.
The lower I set my standards the more accomplishments I have.
(Score: 4, Interesting) by Gaaark on Wednesday December 05 2018, @12:44AM
I look at it as "Do I want to be able to hold my head up in life?"
Also, am I a good role model for my kids?
Am I comfortable with 'me'?
And I am.
My wife and I watched a movie on Netflix a few nights ago: Leisure Seeker, I believe it was called. It's about this old couple. He has senility or Alzheimer's setting in deep an she has cancer. They decide to go on an RV travel adventure.
My wife will never have that problem.
I DON'T pray, I just walk the walk like I WAS religious because that's how I want to live my life.
--- Please remind me if I haven't been civil to you: I'm channeling MDC. ---Gaaark 2.0 ---
(Score: 5, Insightful) by DutchUncle on Tuesday December 04 2018, @09:18PM
It's any friendship, with or without sex. Once you get past the novelty, either people wind up with Billy Joel's "cold remains of what began with a passionate start", or they have become friends who put up with each other's foibles.
(Score: 5, Interesting) by Aurean on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:06PM (4 children)
Consider that those who have been married that long have remained together for a reason. - one of those reasons being that they can deal with conflict with affection and humor.
The results may say more about what makes for long lasting relationships than how relationships change with age.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday December 04 2018, @10:22PM (3 children)
Beaten by a Dutch uncle!
(Score: 2) by Gaaark on Wednesday December 05 2018, @12:46AM (2 children)
Aaaand, Bob's your uncle!
--- Please remind me if I haven't been civil to you: I'm channeling MDC. ---Gaaark 2.0 ---
(Score: 2) by AthanasiusKircher on Wednesday December 05 2018, @02:04AM (1 child)
Actually, he's my brother-in-law. How do you know him?
(Score: 2) by Gaaark on Wednesday December 05 2018, @02:49AM
Everyone knows Bob... I don't know Jack, though. ;)
--- Please remind me if I haven't been civil to you: I'm channeling MDC. ---Gaaark 2.0 ---
(Score: 2) by RamiK on Wednesday December 05 2018, @12:06AM
gallows humor.
compiling...
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 05 2018, @03:28PM
I'm laughing with you, not at you. Really, I am.