The greater the surprise, the greater the appreciation, study says:
People consistently underestimate how much others in their social circle might appreciate an unexpected phone call, text or email just to say hello, and the more surprising the connection, the greater the appreciation, according to research published by the American Psychological Association.
"People are fundamentally social beings and enjoy connecting with others," said lead author Peggy Liu, PhD, of the University of Pittsburgh. "There is much research showing that maintaining social connections is good for our mental and physical health. However, despite the importance and enjoyment of social connection, our research suggests that people significantly underestimate how much others will appreciate being reached out to."
Across all experiments, those who initiated the communication significantly underestimated the extent to which recipients would appreciate the act of reaching out. [...] "We found that people receiving the communication placed greater focus than those initiating the communication on the surprise element, and this heightened focus on surprise was associated with higher appreciation," said Liu. [...]
Many people have lost touch with others in their lives, whether they're friends from high school or college or co-workers they used to see at the water cooler before work went remote, according to Liu. Initiating social contact after a prolonged period of disconnect can feel daunting because people worry about how such a gesture might be received. These findings suggest that their hesitations may be unnecessary, as others are likely to appreciate being reached out to more than people think.
"I sometimes pause before reaching out to people from my pre-pandemic social circle for a variety of reasons. When that happens, I think about these research findings and remind myself that other people may also want to reach out to me and hesitate for the same reasons," Liu said. "I then tell myself that I would appreciate it so much if they reached out to me and that there is no reason to think they would not similarly appreciate my reaching out to them."
Journal Reference:
Peggy Liu, SoYon Rim, Lauren Min, and Kate Min, The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More than We Think [pdf], J Pers Soc Psychol, 2022. DOI: 10.1037/pspi0000402
Related Stories
People are touched by small kindnesses and led to greater generosity, new research shows:
Anyone who has given a friend a ride, baked cookies for a sick family member, or even bought a stranger a cup of coffee knows acts of kindness can enhance happiness.
But such random acts of kindness are still somewhat rare. Texas McCombs Assistant Professor of Marketing Amit Kumar set out to discover why people don't engage in prosocial acts — such as helping, sharing, or donating — more often.
In a new study, Kumar, along with Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago, found that people often underestimate how good these actions make recipients feel. Givers tend to focus on the object they're providing or action they're performing, while receivers instead concentrate on the feelings of warmth the act of kindness has conjured up. Givers' "miscalibrated expectations" — that receivers are solely concerned with the gift itself — can function as a barrier to performing more prosocial behaviors.
[...] The researchers' findings offer practical implications and advice for people going about their everyday lives. When people realize their small actions have a large impact, they can choose to be nicer and carry out more acts of random kindness, enhancing both their well-being and that of others.
"Positive interpersonal contact is a powerful source of happiness," Kumar says. "It will make you feel better and someone else feel better, even better than you think they'll feel. A little good doesn't just go a long way — it goes an unexpectedly long way."
See also: Friends Enjoy Being Reached Out to More Than We Think
Journal Reference:
Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2022). A little good goes an unexpectedly long way: Underestimating the positive impact of kindness on recipients. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. 10.1037/xge0001271
(Score: 4, Funny) by Mykl on Monday July 18 2022, @04:53AM
She must be new around here.
(Score: -1, Troll) by normalguy on Monday July 18 2022, @05:16AM
And Hi, hubie. Hope requerodanos is better soon.
(Score: 2, Interesting) by Anonymous Coward on Monday July 18 2022, @07:26AM (3 children)
So far, the people who seem to value me are those who think they can sell me something.
I highly value friends, but those are very few and far between. For me, I seem to attract parasites and those who insist on controlling me.
While all I need is someone of like mindset to simply chill with, without superficial matters like if I need a haircut. I already have more "shit" than I know what to do with, but I don't have anyone who can enjoy it with me.
(Score: 3, Insightful) by acid andy on Monday July 18 2022, @11:10AM (1 child)
We're right here, buddy. Face to face contact is overrated. If you want to really go to town some other things you could try are creating a username or hanging out on IRC.
Master of the science of the art of the science of art.
(Score: 1, Interesting) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday July 19 2022, @01:56AM
Maybe it's time for a Soylent News party line*? Like IRC but with voice -- call in and talk to whoever else has called into that party line. Might not generate new friends, but it would be a place to work out how to talk on the phone with other people--get some practice before you call up that high school friend out of the blue.
* party line = multiple people can all speak to each other (modern equivalent is the audio part of a Zoom meeting).
I seem to remember hearing that phone phreaks would set up conferencing numbers like this, using suitable phone system commands, pre-internet.
These days it would be easy with, for example, jami https://jami.net/ [jami.net]
(Score: 2) by DeathMonkey on Monday July 18 2022, @05:59PM
Just make sure that ALL you need is the haircut and there aren't other....say olfactory.....senses in play!
(Score: 2) by Kell on Monday July 18 2022, @07:40AM
Friends.
Scientists ask questions. Engineers solve problems.
(Score: 5, Funny) by RamiK on Monday July 18 2022, @08:17AM
Retract it! NOW!
*ring* *ring* *ring*
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
compiling...
(Score: 2) by Opportunist on Monday July 18 2022, @11:16AM (1 child)
You know that it's only going to be the nudniks that read this and think it's a swell idea to bother the people they know because now they have scientific proof that we like it when they pester us.
(Score: 3, Insightful) by JoeMerchant on Monday July 18 2022, @02:34PM
The modern world also offers an incredible opportunity for long distance communication, at little or no cost. It's too bad that this generates over 99% SPAM and less than 1% potentially welcome communication.
Україна досі не є частиною Росії Слава Україні🌻 https://news.stanford.edu/2023/02/17/will-russia-ukraine-war-end
(Score: 5, Interesting) by bzipitidoo on Monday July 18 2022, @02:38PM (1 child)
There are many good people I barely remember who I haven't seen or heard from in over 25 years. Assuming I'm worth hearing from, they deserve better. I feel guilty every time I think about it.
But there are numerous reasons I don't reach out much. Discovering that after 20 years, some of your old friends have become bitter, hate filled, conspiracy addled nuts, or have otherwise turned out not so good, those little signs that you overlooked or dismissed in school now stand out as red flags. I have never felt confident in judging character. There's also deciding that a direction I'd taken was the wrong direction. Changing directions is very painful. Have to walk away from all the friends who were friends because they shared your old views, and who do not agree with your change of heart. It can be argued they never were very good friends in the 1st place.
I realize I should've gotten to know my college classmates better. I remember my professors much more. Too focused on the present, on who was worth knowing at that moment. Yeah, professors are worth getting to know, but there are problems with shorting your time with classmates in favor of more time with professors. Professors have too much to do and too many people to get to know. They're older and will all be dying off when you reach middle age. Give your classmates more time. I wish I had. Now, even if I could find them, I would be quickly embarrassed by my inability to remember much about them.
One fellow I hung out with in school seemed nice but eventually revealed that he was a scumbag, who, last I heard, seems to have achieved his dark dream. He's a Baptist preacher now. When I knew him, he was atheist. I'm sure he doesn't believe what he preaches, he is merely using religion like so many other religious leaders do, to con a flock of the weak-minded and easily manipulated into giving him lots of money, and, I strongly suspect, the occasional sexual favor. A year after we met, he tried to persuade me to go on a fun road trip with him just before finals. I replied I'd be happy to go after finals. But he wouldn't hear of that. Insisted we go before finals, and wouldn't explain why. It was possible to go and return in time for the finals, barely, but even if it worked out that way, I would not have any time to study. Did he want me to flunk?? Some friend! I have always had a hard time saying no, but that plan I refused. That destroyed the friendship such as it was. Say no to him, and you ain't his friend no more! He was using that unstated threat to put additional pressure on me to agree. What a manipulative punk. Over the following semesters, it became painfully clear that delaying my graduation was exactly what he did want! Didn't want people he liked to graduate before him, so he'd have good company in school. A mutual acquaintance fell for his traps, and did indeed flunk out. Hell of a life he's chosen for himself. I'm still good friends with his former roommate.
In another case, the group I hung out with in high school blew up, and the cause was sexual. A girlfriend of one of the members decided she liked another member better, and he never forgave either of them. He had that possessive streak, and was very angry that he'd been "robbed" of his girl, and by a "friend" at that. That's how he saw the matter, and there was no getting him to soften his stance. Acknowledge that she was free to ask anyone she wanted, and they were free to accept or not. The other guy wasn't hitting on her, it was she who was chasing him. He nevertheless ended his friendship with the other guy. The rest of the group didn't want any part of that controversy, and rather than pick sides, simply left. Fear of just how far he was willing to go no doubt contributed. He seemed willing to punch the other guy in the face and start a fist fight. The other guy prudently made himself scarce so he couldn't. But was he so crazy about it that he'd pull a murder-suicide, and shoot the girl, the other guy, even a few of us who were trying to stay out of it, and then himself? He didn't give off the most reassuring vibes on that point, seemed to want the rest of us to sweat a little over that possibility. I can't believe he ever meant to take it that far, but it sure was crappy of him to leave us hanging on the possibility that he might. That we were all headed to different colleges helped complete the breakup. I sometimes wonder if all these years later, he regrets dumping his friends over that. Was it worth it? For many, sexual matters are supreme, and are reason to go crazy and destroy friendships and careers.
All but impossible to live life error free, and the longer you live, the more regrets you accumulate. Forgiveness is divine. Still, if I never again have any contact with he-who-was-crazy-jealous-in-high-school, that's just fine with me.
(Score: 4, Interesting) by DeathMonkey on Monday July 18 2022, @06:04PM
I'm pretty damn antisocial and I find it very awkward to reach out to people but I treat it like exercise as in it's something healthy I need to do in my life.
It's not a very long list but I always talk to them at least yearly.
I always enjoy the conversation after it has happened!