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Finally, the invention I wanted all my life has come to pass:
"A British company has released the first pictures of a 'smart condom' which collects very intimate data about the sex life of anyone brave enough to wear it.
The device is called the i.Con and can detect STIs as well as sending data about a sex session straight to the wearer's smartphone.
British Condoms said its 'revolutionary wearable tech for the bedroom' measures the number of calories burned during intercourse, the speed of a man's thrusts, how long he lasts and even what positions are used.
The condom firm said its invention would help men see how they 'stack up to other people from around the world'."
[...] The smart condom is a small band which fits around the bottom of a man's willy, which means wearers will still need to strap on a normal condom to get full protection.
It is waterproof and features a band that's 'extraordinarily flexible to ensure maximum comfort for all sizes'.
Bizarrely, it even lights up to provide illumination for both partners' nether regions.
Now, we can all compete in the Direct International Comparison Kinetics. Hooray. ;)
(Score: 2) by DannyB on Friday December 01 2017, @06:40PM (9 children)
Product name would need to have a leading lowercase letter I. But I see your subject line. Although it should end with an "ed" suffix.
It would also need to use proprietary protocols and connectors that only work with Apple products.
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(Score: 4, Funny) by bob_super on Friday December 01 2017, @07:11PM (6 children)
> It would also need to use proprietary protocols and connectors that only work with Apple products.
Apple has decided to work on a cuboid condom with rounded corners. I fit doesn't fit your current reproductive system specifications, Apple, will happily help you avoid the shame of not being trendy by selling you iSurgery services, which will make you cool and come in white, black, or rose gold. The antiquated 3.5mm opening at the end will be removed, and you may buy wireless battery-powered semen iPipettes for $399 each.
(Score: 3, Insightful) by MostCynical on Friday December 01 2017, @08:13PM (5 children)
But at leasy the plug will go in in more than one way.
"I guess once you start doubting, there's no end to it." -Batou, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex
(Score: 2) by bob_super on Friday December 01 2017, @08:20PM (4 children)
Yep, Apple will claim it's a major innovation, regardless of whether San Fernando Valley, some old Indian book or Roman ruins claim prior art.
(Score: 3, Funny) by MostCynical on Friday December 01 2017, @08:29PM (3 children)
Different-shaped connectors make all the difference.
You will also need an app show you how to use it (and to ensure you don't break it off)
Also, make sure you and your partner upgrade at the same time, as you may find your connectors are no longer compatible.
"I guess once you start doubting, there's no end to it." -Batou, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex
(Score: 2) by bob_super on Friday December 01 2017, @08:45PM
After a decade of touting that PowerThrust is the best technique, rabid fans will have to eat crow when Apple decides to switch to IntelliTouch.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 01 2017, @09:36PM (1 child)
ThinNet or ThickNet (Yellow Hose) cables?
(Score: 3, Informative) by Gaaark on Friday December 01 2017, @10:23PM
Your wife will STILL prefer Darknet
;)
--- Please remind me if I haven't been civil to you: I'm channeling MDC. ---Gaaark 2.0 ---
(Score: 2) by Snotnose on Saturday December 02 2017, @12:37AM (1 child)
iPoded? iPaded? iMovied? iTuned? iPhotod? iRooted? iConfused.
When the dust settled America realized it was saved by a porn star.
(Score: 2) by DannyB on Monday December 04 2017, @02:47PM
Look at the subject line. Add an "ed" suffix.
To transfer files: right-click on file, pick Copy. Unplug mouse, plug mouse into other computer. Right-click, paste.