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“Dan” seems at first to perfectly embody that popular object of scorn these days in San Francisco: the privileged tech worker. He’s a developer-turned-manager at a thriving startup, the type of guy you would expect to see dodging protesters at a Google bus stop or evicting low-income tenants in order to build his dream condo. But beyond that veneer of untouchable privilege, there is a soft underbelly. He’s a 40-year-old virgin, and his troubles with women are bad enough that he’s sought out a sex therapist for help.
This is in part a result of techies’ higher-than-average salaries, which allow them to pay for therapy, particularly when it comes to non-traditional counseling that isn’t covered by insurance. There’s something else at play here, though: In general, tech workers are more vulnerable to issues around love and intimacy, according to several local sex therapists I’ve interviewed. The reasons for this are wide-ranging, but in Dan’s particular case, it resulted from being tagged as a prodigy at a young age. He excelled in science and was encouraged to pursue it to the exclusion of all else.
The men, like Dan, who are coming to see her have been hindered by the very thing that allows them to excel in their field. “There is a very strong reinforcement [in tech] on using your brain,” says McGrath. “You brain is what’s of value.” But when it comes to sex, she says, “our brains are bullshit.”
Original Submission
(Score: 2, Insightful) by Anonymous Coward on Monday June 01 2015, @04:07AM
I've thought this out from many angles over the years. Me 38yo, not a virgin, had sex with 2 women. That was nice, but not so nice that I really feel down about not having it or even start to think about going to a prostitute. I've concluded that this whole love thing is basically driven by peer pressure and cultural norms. Both things that essentially have nothing to do with me but have influenced me anyway and caused me to feel down in the past.
I really don't believe in romantic love. I do believe in friendship, and the norm is that you can only fuck a friend if you stop calling it a friendship and start calling it a relationship. All of a sudden, we're allowed to fuck, get jealous, fight, we're supposed to be always together and do things together, and generally end up with less than we started with. That's what I see, barring some exceptional exceptions. Is just being able to have sex and 'fit in' society worth that kind of investment? For me, not by a longshot.
(Score: 2, Informative) by Anonymous Coward on Monday June 01 2015, @04:31AM
It sounds like you're probably (mostly?) asexual/aromantic; some people simply aren't interested in sex/relationships. American society tends to pretend such people don't exist, so people like you end up really confused when you have no interest in sex/romance. Others (and you?) may want to check out AVEN [asexuality.org], which is a great resource for information on asexuality and related topics. Also your summary of American cultural norms surrounding sex sound both horribly toxic and depressingly accurate (that is, accurate of the perception, not the reality).
(Score: 2) by Grishnakh on Monday June 01 2015, @03:22PM
You sound like someone who would do well with polyamory, more specifically what they call "solo poly". Look it up.