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“Dan” seems at first to perfectly embody that popular object of scorn these days in San Francisco: the privileged tech worker. He’s a developer-turned-manager at a thriving startup, the type of guy you would expect to see dodging protesters at a Google bus stop or evicting low-income tenants in order to build his dream condo. But beyond that veneer of untouchable privilege, there is a soft underbelly. He’s a 40-year-old virgin, and his troubles with women are bad enough that he’s sought out a sex therapist for help.
This is in part a result of techies’ higher-than-average salaries, which allow them to pay for therapy, particularly when it comes to non-traditional counseling that isn’t covered by insurance. There’s something else at play here, though: In general, tech workers are more vulnerable to issues around love and intimacy, according to several local sex therapists I’ve interviewed. The reasons for this are wide-ranging, but in Dan’s particular case, it resulted from being tagged as a prodigy at a young age. He excelled in science and was encouraged to pursue it to the exclusion of all else.
The men, like Dan, who are coming to see her have been hindered by the very thing that allows them to excel in their field. “There is a very strong reinforcement [in tech] on using your brain,” says McGrath. “You brain is what’s of value.” But when it comes to sex, she says, “our brains are bullshit.”
Original Submission
(Score: 3, Interesting) by kurenai.tsubasa on Monday June 01 2015, @11:01PM
Lots of good advice above this post from VanderDecken and from you, but I think Grishnakh and Bzipitidoo also have good points. It's likely a regional thing.
My personal take is that I see guys setting two bars: 1.) which women are “unobtainable?” and 2.) which women are undesirable? I think in a lot of these incel cases those bars are too close. On the other hand, one guy I know made it a serious goal to get laid, went through what must have been 100 women, but finally got laid.
Also consider The Hot Crazy Matrix [duckduckgo.com]. (Yours truly is in unicorn territory, and I know plenty of “trannies”—maybe no Harisoos, but I hope they remember to give interested guys “the talk.”) The Hot Crazy Matrix I've found seems to be a good working model. Attractive women who won the genetic lottery are often put on a pedistal, and they quickly learn that they can get away with anything. Just like tallness in men is confused for leadership ability, attractiveness in women is confused for intelligence and other virtues.
Then there are rape cultures. We know all about Schrödinger's Rapist, so let me introduce Schrödinger's False Rape Accusation. Geeks tend to overthink everything, and this one is particularly fiendish. I remember that at Grand Valley State University towards the turn of the century, guys were made incredibly aware that any kind of flirting could be sexual harassment and any physical contact can be rape. If there's alcohol involved, then it's date rape. What makes Schrödinger's False Rape Accusation particularly fiendish is that at least a rapist knows what he's doing, but that false rape accusation can come at any point after the fact and persist in spite of witnesses who report the contact was consensual.
I can't find the specific case I'm thinking of at the moment (might do some more googling later tonight after I mow the lawn, really need to set up a wiki for myself to track these things if I'm going to be an armchair pseudo-MRA), but basically, boy and girl who are friends get drunk, have sex (while [male] roommate is in the room!) have an awkward moment the next day, then decide to forget it happened. Over summer break, girl's mom snoops through her diary and finds out about it. Mom confronts girl, mommy's perfect little girl who would never have drunken sex is on the spot, and she claims rape. Boy gets b& from college due to a hysterical, out-of-whack, almost completely false report about the incident written up by the women's services department. Fortunately, this one may have, if not a happy ending, at least a somewhat just ending if boy wins discrimination lawsuit against the college.
I can't help but to wonder if Schrödinger's False Rape Accusation is on the mind of young geeks in college these days and if that doesn't deter them from going outside their comfort zone and learning those social skills until they find themselves becoming a 40 year old virgin and needing professional help.
(I did find an interesting editorial [time.com] that seems to share my sentiment that rape cultures don't do any good but haven't completely read it yet. They mention some kind of growing rape problem on campuses but I didn't check if they refute it further down.)