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“Dan” seems at first to perfectly embody that popular object of scorn these days in San Francisco: the privileged tech worker. He’s a developer-turned-manager at a thriving startup, the type of guy you would expect to see dodging protesters at a Google bus stop or evicting low-income tenants in order to build his dream condo. But beyond that veneer of untouchable privilege, there is a soft underbelly. He’s a 40-year-old virgin, and his troubles with women are bad enough that he’s sought out a sex therapist for help.
This is in part a result of techies’ higher-than-average salaries, which allow them to pay for therapy, particularly when it comes to non-traditional counseling that isn’t covered by insurance. There’s something else at play here, though: In general, tech workers are more vulnerable to issues around love and intimacy, according to several local sex therapists I’ve interviewed. The reasons for this are wide-ranging, but in Dan’s particular case, it resulted from being tagged as a prodigy at a young age. He excelled in science and was encouraged to pursue it to the exclusion of all else.
The men, like Dan, who are coming to see her have been hindered by the very thing that allows them to excel in their field. “There is a very strong reinforcement [in tech] on using your brain,” says McGrath. “You brain is what’s of value.” But when it comes to sex, she says, “our brains are bullshit.”
Original Submission
(Score: 4, Interesting) by Nuke on Monday June 01 2015, @11:58PM
Western women have become spoiled, the USA sounding similar to the UK. Basically, with women able to earn as much as men, they have no "need" to marry like they did years ago, and many withdraw from the dating scene after a little playing (or never enter it), often with a baby (whose father is back in the dating scene the very next day), and live the rest of their life without a man. Most women do not have the imperative sexual imperitive that most men do, and being a spinster no longer carries any stigma as it used to.
The women who do remain in the dating/partnership/marriage scene are therefore seriously outnumbered by the men. They can afford to be very fussy and make no attempt to conceal their contempt for any guy who they believe to have assessed in their first glance as not meeting their standards.
I am English married an English girl, but previously had (among others) South American, Eurasian and Malay girlfriends. These were definitely more positive about my having a good and steady (if technical) job and being a "gentleman" rather than a "bad-boy" or jock. With English girls I felt I needed to conceal or play down that I was a techie and had high qualifications, rather than being in marketing, admin or banking, or even in construction work.
Another option not mentioned here is to find a girl who is, frankly, a bit dim and submissive. I had one or two of those as GF's too, and it worked suprisingly well. Opposites can attract and balance. They tend to appreciate and even be proud of having a boyfriend who treats them as a lady and is clearly from a better social background - it seemed to be a novelty to them and even my old car (at the time) impressed them. They were always happy to let me make the decisions, and I guess they would have been quite tolerant of my foibles in married life.
(Score: 2) by Grishnakh on Tuesday June 02 2015, @02:01PM
Another option not mentioned here is to find a girl who is, frankly, a bit dim and submissive.
I'm not so sure this is a good idea, at least for me personally. I ended up marrying someone who wasn't as smart or educated as me (but definitely not submissive, actually closer to the opposite) and it hasn't worked out well at all, so we're separated now. The differences in intelligence and educational background have been a big problem; she feels like I'm constantly "correcting" her, and I feel like I can't make any kind of suggestion at all without it being taken badly. And she's not even what I'd call "dim" by a long shot, just not up to my level. While a submissive girl probably wouldn't have the problem of becoming terrible self-conscious about her mistakes and wouldn't get offended when I suggest things or make decisions, I do feel I'd get pretty bored with someone like that after a while. I've always wanted an equal partner I could respect, not someone I have to take care of like a kid.
I am English married an English girl, but previously had (among others) South American, Eurasian and Malay girlfriends.
Were these women who had somehow already made their way to the UK to live?
(Score: 2) by Nuke on Tuesday June 02 2015, @04:26PM
Grishnakh replied :- "I'm not so sure this is a good idea, at least for me personally."
It does depend on your personality, and theirs. I don't want an intellectual sparring partner, I get enough of that at work (and maybe here!), and there are plenty of things I like to do alone like tinkering with cars, going for long bike rides. The Eurasian girl was not bright, but similarly liked to spend a lot of time with her three sisters (all four jaw-dropping pretty :-). OTOH she was homely, and immaculately clean and tidy, which I liked. Far from resenting me being brighter, she found confidence with me. She just accepted what I did and said, to a fault maybe.
I was thunderstruck when I recently happened to see the 1993 film ""Murder in the Heartland"; because the 14 yo Caril Fulgate, played by Fairuza Balk, was exactly like my GF in looks, intellect and mannerisms, although my girl was 19-21 and had an Indian accent. She was always being challenged in bars about her age.
"Were these women [South American, Eurasian and Malay girlfriends] who had somehow already made their way to the UK to live?"
Yes; Malay was a nurse, quite bright but submissive by culture, sweet, perhaps I should have stayed with her; the Brazillian girl had an EU passport as her mother was Italian, I was not sociable enough for her; and the Eurasian I described was from an Anglo-Indian police family who had returned from India when her father retired - I felt that her mother/grandmother were pushing her to me in the Indian tradition of arrangements, and she was OK with that because guys she'd previouly known gave her the creeps - they wanted to treat her like a Barbie doll, dress her in leather etc. OTOH I treated her with respect and she felt safe with me.
I met them all in dating clubs (before Internet dating, equivalent) - I never met girls any other way and would not want to.