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Journal by Runaway1956

RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
If you don't send this to your dearest friends; You will be depriving them of some good humor.

Lifted boldly from a crazy retired woman's Facefook page.

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The Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.
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  • (Score: 2, Funny) by khallow on Saturday April 04 2020, @03:46PM (1 child)

    by khallow (3766) Subscriber Badge on Saturday April 04 2020, @03:46PM (#979046) Journal
    I googled for the phrase "We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store." [duckduckgo.com] and got a ridiculous number of hits. This is clearly a Russian plot to signal their brainwashed sleeper agents to blow up dams and shit, no doubt to get their mole reelected. See this documentary [wikipedia.org] for details.
    • (Score: 1, Informative) by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 04 2020, @06:28PM

      by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 04 2020, @06:28PM (#979092)

      brainwashed sleeper agents to blow up dams and shit

      Only if they have sufficient supplies of TP.

  • (Score: 1, Insightful) by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 04 2020, @04:51PM (2 children)

    by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 04 2020, @04:51PM (#979069)

    Don't ever bring anything from Facebook here again

    • (Score: 3, Touché) by shortscreen on Saturday April 04 2020, @06:41PM

      by shortscreen (2252) Subscriber Badge on Saturday April 04 2020, @06:41PM (#979096) Journal

      This is a ripoff of something I saw on USENET in approximately 2006. If I had any idea how to search USENET these days I would try to find the original post.

    • (Score: 2) by DannyB on Friday April 10 2020, @06:06PM

      by DannyB (5839) Subscriber Badge on Friday April 10 2020, @06:06PM (#980878) Journal

      It was Facefook, not Facebook.

      --
      I need to spend more effort optimizing performance within while(false) loops.
  • (Score: 2, Insightful) by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 04 2020, @07:05PM (1 child)

    by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 04 2020, @07:05PM (#979099)

    The tell is where they mention Unions in WalMart.

    • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Sunday April 05 2020, @04:23PM

      by Anonymous Coward on Sunday April 05 2020, @04:23PM (#979416)

      Not to mention imitating Madonna using funnels. These days it would be a couple of socks with lemons in the toes.

  • (Score: 2) by Pslytely Psycho on Monday April 06 2020, @01:51PM (1 child)

    by Pslytely Psycho (1218) on Monday April 06 2020, @01:51PM (#979636)

    Since I am furloughed until this is over, I can use any good laugh I can get!
    Just remember, the boom of children born nine months from now due to the quarantine, (what else is there to do but fuck?) will be known as:

    Children of the Quarn......

    Ok, I'm leaving now....too much time on my hands.....

    --
    Trump succeeds in making Nixon look respectable, Mission Accomplished!
    • (Score: 2) by DannyB on Friday April 10 2020, @06:10PM

      by DannyB (5839) Subscriber Badge on Friday April 10 2020, @06:10PM (#980879) Journal

      Not everyone will have children because of the quarantine. With too much time on their hands, if you use a blacklight to observe, some people's homes will look like a Jackson Pollock painting [wikipedia.org]

      --
      I need to spend more effort optimizing performance within while(false) loops.
  • (Score: 0, Flamebait) by Anonymous Coward on Monday April 06 2020, @10:18PM (2 children)

    by Anonymous Coward on Monday April 06 2020, @10:18PM (#979789)

    Now this should really piss you off https://taskandpurpose.com/news/navy-secretary-blasts-fired-aircraft-carrier-captain [taskandpurpose.com]

    Trump is horrible and picks horrible people. You should really do an about face and put some real thought into why you keep trash talking liberals while supporting these assholes. TDS? Fuck yeah, and if this story doesn't get you on board then you're no better than a boot licking traitor.

    • (Score: 2, Informative) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday April 07 2020, @01:11AM (1 child)

      by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday April 07 2020, @01:11AM (#979834)

      It is not flamebait when it is accurate. Trump is an incompetent boob and a criminal stealing from tax payers, and those are just the blatantly obvious problems. Runaway likes to say Trump is dumb, but he refuses to ever criticize him and yells "TDS" whenever anyone else does.

      The hypocrisy around Trump is staggering, but thankfully you fellow boobs are losing ground as it becomes increasingly clear to even the most politically checked out citizens just how bad Trump is. If only Fox News watchers could see the simple ynews broadcasts and interviews without some asshole in a suit giving them lies and spin about how it is for their own good.

      Trump turns on real patriots doing their duty because he is more concerned with his personal image and too much of a narcissistic idiot to take even the easiest of PR wins.

      • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday April 07 2020, @08:05AM

        by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday April 07 2020, @08:05AM (#979914)

        Runaway was never in the Navy, it is just his fantasy, after watching videos of Village People. Stolen Valor. Imposter. He avoided the Vietnam draft because of bone spurs, in his penis. VA records confirm. Like W, Trump, and all recent republicans, we got a draft dodger on our hands. In Trump's case, he inherited it from his grandpa!

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