SoylentNews is people
SoylentNews is powered by your submissions, so send in your scoop. Only 14 submissions in the queue.
SoylentNews
I ran across this article, Everybody farts. But here are 9 surprising facts about flatulence you may not know. I doubted I'd learn anything from it, but was surprised. Did you know most farts are odorless?
This discussion has been archived.
No new comments can be posted.
The Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
(Score: 0, Interesting) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 10 2014, @02:25PM
THE ALARM FART.
This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It start
with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick
downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is
wrong. If it happens to you you will know right off why it is called the Alarm
Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.
THE AMPLIFIED FART.
This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than
from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So
will a plywood table, and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty
cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be
called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.
THE BATHTUB FART.
People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who
would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart
is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the
bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or
foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it.
Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a
ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends
somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. If it is one of
those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound
effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be
disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever
the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance
back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart, the most
positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly
group one unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your
friends.
THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART.
Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by
its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just
about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded
high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a
room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down.
It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart
like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest
Fart In The World is it size. Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting
like popcorn machines and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull
their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which
is rare even among your most serious farters.
THE BURNING BRAKES FART.
A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart,
occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who
farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes
and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a
chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been
left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.
THE CAR DOOR FART.
Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be
a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to
fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud
fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost
every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.
THE CELESTIAL FART.
Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply
any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in
a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be
compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or
cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no
odor at all. Very rare.
THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART.
This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number
and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is
all over it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one
can get applause. Uncommon.
THE CROWD FART.
The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough
to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the
fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and
starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though
something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.
THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART.
This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my
attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers
who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it
can be found.
THE DOG DID IT FART.
It is necessary for a dog to be around for this fart to occur. People
who fart and blame it on the dog when there is no dog within miles are making a
travesty of the whole fart identification business, which is difficult enough
as it is. This is always a silent fart but one with an odor you could blame on
a dog that was dead. The farter tries to blame it on the dog. He will even go
so far as to run the dog out of the house. Do not be fooled. When a dog farts
it will usually grunt too. It may even get up and walk away. This is what you
should do when you have identified a Dog Did It Fart. They are vile.
[...]
Read the complete text file here......http://cd.textfiles.com/thegreatunsorted/misc/fart.txt
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday December 10 2014, @11:30PM
Stay gassy, Ethanol.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Saturday December 13 2014, @02:48AM
how the fuck was this modded 'off-topic'?!