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I have three girlfriends now. One of them does not - yet - know about either of the two others. Those two others know about that first one but the two of them do not know about each other.

I regard this as quite a serious problem. While some are into dating more than one, and some are OK for their partner to actually do so, I am _not_ and never have been.

Sarah Is Insane.

"Cheri" - not her real name - is very French, very hot and very jealous of Sarah.

"Renata" - not her real name - has deep roots in the Philippines. She and I had a long distance relationship for a few months last year, after she threw her previous beau out for being unfaithful.

But he and Renata had been together for quite a long time, he helped put all four of her kids through college. Other than infidelity, I have every reason to believe Renata when she said he was a good man.

She took him in, then a while later, threw him back out, I expect for good this time.

Sarah and Cheri are young enough to have children. Cheri has a boy of two or maybe three; as far as I can tell from America, Cheri is quite a good mother to her son.

Sarah wants children but cannot have them until she has been in recovery from her Heroin and Benzodiazepine - Xanax, Ativan and the like - until in my own estimation she has gone three years without relapsing.

But there is absolutely no way to get Sarah into DeTox until we find some way to control her quite severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

OCD is driven by Anxiety; she also has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That Sarah got hooked on Xanax is due to a pill-pusher having prescribed it every day. That did not have to happen as there are some Antidepressants that also work really well for Anxiety.

OCD develops when an otherwise anxious person finds some activity that comforts them; for me, it is writing. At one time but no longer it was playing the piano. That I continue to play is due to interest and pleasure as well as my hope to be a professional musician, but no longer due to anxiety.

This results in a death spiral until the only way the Obsessive can ever get any peace is to practice their chosen compulsion - and it is chosen, though perhaps subconsciously.

Sarah pinches.

And pinches and pinches and pinches. She will move to a new spot after she lacerates herself - she's got scars all over her body, even her lovely face that are not needle tracks.

Within seconds she is memorized. I tried taking her hand away, fearing I would upset her. But no she thanked me then asked that I do so every time I see her pinching. Simply to take her hand away did not prevent her from pinching again, so I suggested she squeeze my hand as tightly as she could. That gives her perhaps one minute of relief.

My good friend Chelsea Baumgartner has another friend with OCD; Chelsea suggested "Replacement Therapy". The experience of a lover with Borderline Personality Disorder was that Origami was completely effective at stopping her slashing of her own wrists - even with her fingernails when in a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit.

I showed Sarah how to fold a Peace Crane - a paper bird. It is said that to fold one thousand of them will bring about World Peace.

Sarah was delighted but the Peace Crane is far too difficult a fold for total newbies.

Chelsea offered to meet me that she may give me some Origami Paper, but since then I've been unable to so much as visit Sarah. In two weeks I've only seen her twenty minutes. When I offered to visit her, Sarah was quite pleased but that night she was working: whenever I got to where Sarah had agreed to meet, some new John had rung her up then drove her to a hotel somewhere far away. Finally Sarah advised me to go to NedSpace so I wouldn't miss the last train.

I need to chill for a while so I'll write more about Cheri and Renata in the comments.

Do Your Worst.

Boyfriend and girlfriend are out. ‘Partners’ are in. Here’s why more millennials are changing how they define their relationships.

I'm looking at Abengoa SA, for example. They got almost $3 billion in guaranteed loans through this program to build infrastructure worth a fraction of that. I don't see that ending pretty, especially with their likely exposure (being the largest Spanish sustainable energy business) to the Spanish solar power industry, which completely lost its government subsidies over the past few years.

While I didn't discuss it at the time, I also was taking into account the company's behavior of what I'll call "chain-smoking loans", borrowing money to buy businesses that became collateral for another loan (for those old enough to remember that behavior burned World.com badly).

Well, turns out their US branch declared bankruptcy (Chapter 15) in January 2016 (though I gather it's now out of bankruptcy - at least for now). The Abengoa projects do appear to have survived with a functional revenue stream, so that implied part of the prediction apparently hasn't yet become a problem.

Nice to see a prediction bear fruit though of course, I probably wouldn't have noticed, if it hadn't. As an aside, neither Standard & Poor or the auditing firm Deloitte noticed anything supposedly until right before the insolvency protection filing (a common prelude to bankruptcy, though apparently Abengoa's main corporation in Spain was able to avoid bankruptcy through a 400 million Euro contribution from the Spanish government). The bank, Citigroup organized a stock sale a few months earlier despite their access to the books too.

A bunch of the usual suspects failing like they've failed before. Good to know that we're patching up all these financial failure modes.

I've written about Annie in a couple of previous journals (most recently here: https://soylentnews.org/~Snow/journal/3011 ). Annie works at the coffee shop a block from my house.

Annie recently cut back her hours because she has applied to the school board to become an art teacher. She should find out this week if she is accepted for the position. Obviously, I'm cheering for her.

I went to the coffee shop this weekend to get my morning coffee for my wife and I and Annie was there. I hadn't seen her in about a month, and she ran up to me and gave me a really big hug (as she always does). I really love getting hugs from her. She always gets real close and lets them linger for a bit. It's always a highlight of my day.

While I was waiting for another girl to make my coffee, she stood across the counter from me and asked how I was doing. She placed her hand on mine and I started caressing her fingers. We chatted for a couple minutes and then she had to get back to work. Before she left though, I said I missed seeing her and that we should hang out sometime soon. She said she was going to say the same thing.

I've got to give her credit. Reaching out and grabbing my hand took balls. She put herself out there for me. She was also the one who initiates all the hugs.

I texted her later in the day saying it was great to see her and that I missed her. I'd like to see her next week.

I've had a crush on her for several years now. She's a petite Asian girl. Very cute. Very into DOTA2. Very sweet.

I'm still seeing Jasmine once a week. It's going pretty well. Jasmine is a great girl and I enjoy my time with her. I feel that she is falling in love with me though. I like her, but I don't get that electric feeling with her. She sends me texts and says things that kinda hint that she is falling in love with me, and I just don't know what to say. I would like things to stay at an intimate friends level, but I feel like she wants something more. I don't think I can offer that.

It's also not fair to my wife if I'm going on multiple dates per week. I've been trying to keep it to one date night per week. That means that to see Annie, I need to give up my date night with Jasmine, which will probably disappoint her and make me feel guilty.

I really want to kiss Annie though and have wanted to for over a year. I don't want to let this chance slip by. I'm just not sure how to tell Jasmine that I won't be able to see her next week...

I'm staring down at a child in India who is starving to death.
I could feed him, but do not.

I am called a monster by all.

#####
God is staring down at a child in India who is starving to death.
God could feed him, but does not.

God gets a pass with "God works in mysterious ways".

Why are we enabling God to be a monster?
I've heard ridiculous things like "It's God's way of teaching us in the west a lesson, or to be better people.

If there IS a God, why isn't he better than he is? He IS all-powerful, isn't he?

Not yet, anyway.

Whenever I go more than about twelve hours without hearing from her I become convinced someone slipped her Fentanyl.

I've been wanting to ask her to text me at least once a day, if only to let me know she's still alive, but figured it would be better to ask her in person.

I haven't seen her in ten days.

But she sent me a text this afternoon, said "I Miss You" and told me where she was; that particular street is chock full o' hookers.

I'm going to bring her some tasty and nutritious - even if sugary - food. For example, dark chocolate is quite rich in iron, as well as tryptophan and so likely would ease her anxiety. I've got a buttload of raisins for her. While their sugar will appeal to her, more important is that raisins are rich in iron as well.

I have _never_ regarded my Bipolar-Type Schizoaffective Disorder as a disability for the specific reason that I chose coding for my career despite my degree being in Physics, as I was quite pleasantly surprised to find that I still write great code even when floridly paranoid or even suicidal.

Thus I persistently refused to apply for Kuro5hin's repeated calls for me to apply for SSDI - Social Security Disability Insurance - throughout my five years of homelessness, thereby redoubling their convictions that I really _was_ disabled.

That I missed two shrink's and a witch doctor's appointment so far this month led me to conclude that I will now - but _not_ due to any mental illness.

One's benefit is determined by one's last ten years' income before the onset of one's disability. For me, that's May of 2010 when I had my first seizure, dissociative fugue and short-term memory loss - WHILE I WAS DRIVING A CAR!!!!

Before 2010 I was making SCADS of money.

I am absolutely serious: as if God Almight Himself said "LET THERE BE MIKE!" the entire UNIVERSE sprung into existence with me not having a clue as to whose car I was driving, where I was going nor where I had come from. That I passed Mt. Shasta an hour later led me to recover my memory of having set out from my Mom's place in Vancouver, Washington late the previous afternoon and that I was headed home to South San Jose.

That enabled me to realized I had no memory of the previous sixteen hours. Eventually I recalled being pulled over for a busted taillight in Central Oregon, then very early that morning posting a K5 Diary - what you sorry lot call a "Journal" - at the Shari's Restaurant And Pies in Medford, in Southern Oregon.

I still have no memory of entering that restaurant, being seated, looking at the menu let alone ordering or eating my food. I hope to God I didn't Dine And Ditch but really I have no memory of paying either.

Once I got to south San Jose, Hilarity Ensued. I'll cover that later.

The Washington State Health Authority quite reasonably request I submit proof of income eligibility for my Medicaid in late October. About an hour ago I concluded that I am neurologically incapable of going my own books and so will request the Health Authority retain a bookkeeper to do my books for me - I hope she knows GnuCash!

I initiated an SSDI application in late November because my Broca's - or Expressive - Aphasia was persistent for the very first time; before that it always cleared up in four to eight hours.

But I withdrew my application when that Aphasia abated two weeks later.

My case manager Michelle Quesada is coming to haul me off to a food pantry in West Vancouver in a little bit. (I live in Central.) During our sojourn, I'll ask that she help my prepare my application.

That first step was to request an Application Interview, which I cancelled. Even so, the SSA sent me an application form. I'll ask Michelle to fill it out by asking me questions.

I am no longer able to fill that application out on my own.

And I Reiterate:

Kill Me.

Microsoft to hold HoloLens 2 press event next month

Microsoft is holding a press event at Mobile World Congress next month, and it looks like we’ll get some details on HoloLens 2. The software giant will hold its event on Sunday February 24th at 5PM CET (11AM ET), and CEO Satya Nadella, Technical Fellow Alex Kipman, and CVP Julia White will all be in attendance. Kipman’s name indicates this will likely be a HoloLens 2 event, given his close involvement with this project.

[...] Microsoft has been working on its next-generation HoloLens headset for years. Codenamed Sydney, the headset is expected to include an improved field of view, and be a lot lighter and more comfortable to wear. HoloLens 2 will also include Microsoft’s latest generation of the Kinect sensor and a custom AI chip to improve performance. Microsoft is also rumored to be using Qualcomm’s Snapdragon 850 processor inside the HoloLens 2, making it an ARM-powered device.

She set her phone to block all texts. That was unexpected.

I hope that's because of someone else, not because of me. But really I don't know.

Even so, she's a drop dead knockout working in a highly-visible oldest profession. I expect they get stalkers all the time.

Sometimes, they turn up dead: it's wasn't just Jack The Ripper preyed on them.

Kill Me.

In other news, really, really early this morning I finally got it together to shop at the better grocery store. While some of WinCo Foods' prices are cheaper than Grocery Outlet's not all are, however WinCo has a Jesus Big selection.

The God Emperor announced that February's Food Stamps will be coming out on January 20th, so I'm going to stockpile some non-perishables. Also I'm going to make a Metric Buttload of Guacamole then freeze it, this because Avocado is rich in Vitamin B6.

Just now I read that Opioid abuse can lead to Vitamin B12 deficiency as it degrades the lining of the stomach, which is responsible for the secretion of Intrinsic Factor that's part of the process that enables the small intestine to absorb B12.

So I have yet _another_ reason to obsess about B12. My brother-in-law bought me some 1000 ug Methylcobalamine tables - the US RDA for _normal_ people is just 2.4, but a helpful Soylentil who if I remember correctly actually _has_ B12 Deficiency - or maybe it was Pernicious Anemia - pointed out that _some_ such patients can get by with tablets and so don't need injections.

My Neurologist now thinks it's unlikely I really do have B12 Deficiency; she based that on my first test for low B12, a Methylmalonic Acid Blood Level was normal. While I'm somewhat skeptical and so request at least one of the other half-dozen or so tests, another physician pointed out to me that if I really was low in B12, the symptoms would not come and go as they do for me, rather they would persist until I was getting the injections.

It's quite likely that _most_ of my symptoms can be explained as being due to Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, but in my understanding _not_ the numbness in the soles of my feet, the palms of my hands and in both my lips.

I eagerly await the result of the Electroencephalograph Test I had just after Christmas. While I fully intended to be well-rested for it, I of course stayed up all night doing Hookers And Blow and so fell asleep during the test.

But the EEG tech actually said that my falling asleep was quite helpful.

Pence declares 'ISIS has been defeated' on the same day as deadly Syria attack

On the same day that an ISIS-claimed attack killed US service members in Syria, Vice President Mike Pence declared that "the caliphate has crumbled and ISIS has been defeated."

Pence's remark to the Global Chiefs of Mission conference at the US State Department came about an hour after the US-led coalition confirmed that American troops had been killed in an explosion in Manbij.

"U.S. service members were killed during an explosion while conducting a routine patrol in Syria today. We are still gathering information and will share additional details at a later time," the tweet from Operation Inherent Resolve said.

ISIS claimed responsibility for the attack, which the ISIS-affiliated Amaq agency said was carried out by a suicide bomber with an explosive vest.

Pence Declares ISIS ‘Defeated’ Hours after Group Brags of Killing U.S. Troops

Mission Accomplished.