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So, the other day, my Wife and I were driving on the highway. She turns to me, and says, "I think I want to be involved. We should create a couples profile, and see if we can find a girl for a Triad". (A Triad is, basically, a serious three-way relationship where ideally everyone loves each other.)
"Great!", I say, and we drive on in silence as I try to process this.

Now I don't know how many of you are familiar with online dating, but it really sucks to be a guy on an online dating site (unless you are really, really hot). For a guy, it's mostly looking at pictures of women (some attractive, most not), then reading their profile, and sending a message that is hopefully good and original. It takes a lot of work, and a lot of time. The vast majority of your messages will be unanswered. It's tough not to feel like the mud on their boots that they try to scrape off, but there are entire forums related to this subject. Now, I'm not a terrible looking guy, but I am married and open about that, so that deters a lot of women.
My wife knows that the online dating scene hasn't been the easiest thing for me, and so her suggestion to make a couple's profile was her way of helping. My wife is pretty damn good looking, with beautiful reddish hair. Finding a women with her as part of the package might make things easier.

Now for me, a Triad is really my ideal end game. The thought of having a wife and a girlfriend that not only get along, but actually love each other would be amazing! My mind was racing for much of the day, trying to sort everything out.

This brings us to Unicorns. So, what is a Unicorn? Well, a Unicorn is a creature that is exceedingly rare with mythical qualities. So basically: a single (or at least available) woman, who is bisexual, attractive, open to being a "secondary" in an existing relationship, intellectually stimulating (for me), and spiritual (for my Wife). That Unicorn seems like a pretty amazing person...

Often couples looking for Unicorns unilaterally set rules that will apply to the Unicorn. Things like only sleeping with the Unicorn together, rules around being seen in public, loving them equally (as if that is even possible), etc. Now, we aren't really heavy on the rules (practice safer sex, basically), but many couples do have these rules, so Unicorn Hunters generally have a bad rap.

So, at the end of the day, we sit down on the couch and have a deeper conversation about things. I ask her why she wants to be involved now, when she didn't before. What changed her mind? I've been complaining about how crappy internet dating is, so I'm worried that she is only agreeing to this to try and help me out.

I make her read a really good article on Unicorn Hunting to make sure that we are on the same page. I don't want to set a lot of rules to restrict the relationship. The Unicorn is a person too, and they deserve to be treated fairly. If we do this, we are going to do this right.

We have a lot going on in our life right now. She has an appointment next Monday to have her UID taken out because we are going to try to have a baby (I'm terrified about that...). My Mom has been battling with booze for years and my sister thinks that things are getting worse, so she wants to stage an intervention type thing. I had to tell my sister that while I support her confronting our Mom about the drinking, I have a full plate and I can't guarantee much help on that front from me. I told my sister about my Wife and mine's relationship and how we were trying an open/polyamorous style of relationship. I trust my sister a lot, and I was really worried about coming out to her about this, but she really took it well. She didn't seem that surprised, mostly curious. She said that my wife and I have such a good relationship, that she could see how this could work. That was a really pleasant surprise. I've been really worried about opening up to my family... I'm sure that there are still mines to navigate there though. I have a big family, and some of them are really Catholic.

Anyways, so back to Unicorn Hunting... I didn't want my wife to be involved because she pitied me and my failures at online dating. I made her read the Unicorn Hunting Article. She reads the article, looks up at me, and says "I'm relieved".
"Why is that?", I say. It turns out that she did suggest becoming involved not for herself, but for me. Her #1 priority in life right now is a baby. She doesn't feel that she has the time or motivation to be involved with another person right now. I suspected as much, so while a little disappointed, I was happy that we could get to the bottom of things, and that we were doing things for the right reasons.

So, it's back to me being solo. I'm cool with that. At this point, I want to prove to myself that I can get a girl on my own. Everything in life that is worth a damn requires effort.

Well, back to the world of dating...

****

P.S. I'm sure some of you are thinking "Open Relationship + Baby = Not good (that poor baby)". Here's the thing... I'd wait another 5 years to have a baby if I had the choice, but I don't. My wife is 32.5 years old, so we are running out of time to have babies. Having kids is important to us, so biologically speaking, now is the time to have kids.

My wife an I both come from divorced parents, so we know all about a kid living with a broken family, and that is not something we want for our kids. My wife and I are both fully committed to each other and our relationship. Even though we have decided to take an unconventional path, I believe that our relationship is still much more stable than the average. Maybe both of us having parents that ended up cheating and breaking up the family gives us different perspectives and opinions. Remove the desire to cheat, improve communication, and maybe we can have a happy marriage while being free to explore ourselves as well. It won't be all smiles and rainbows, but neither of us are expecting that.

****

P.P.S. I'm curious to hear feedback on my journal entries. Do people enjoy them? Should I continue? Is this the right location for them? I realize that this is a tech site, but it's where I feel comfortable. Plus, there is a link for here for a journal, so I just start typing. There are a lot of people here that are married, and I'm sure there are some that may relate to my journals. Maybe it's helpful in some bizarre way. For me, I just like putting it out there. I like collecting my thoughts and writing it down. I also think that it might be neat to look back on years from know. Let me know what you think.

If you like my journal entries, add me to your Soylent Friends list. You will get a message when I make a new entry. Thanks for reading!

-- Snow

EDIT: Here is the article on Unicorn Hunting. It's a really great read:
http://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

Maybe it's the season.

Anyway here's me quoting RT.com quoting Obama (whe-heey nested quotations):

‘“We cannot have a society in which some dictators someplace can start imposing censorship here in the United States because if somebody is able to intimidate us out of releasing a satirical movie, imagine what they start doing once they see a documentary that they don't like or news reports that they don't like,” Obama said.’

( source )

Damn right.

Obama & the US made precisely this point four years ago according to the New York Times:

‘When Air Force personnel on the service’s computer network try to view the Web sites of The Times, the British newspaper The Guardian, the German magazine Der Spiegel, the Spanish newspaper El País and the French newspaper Le Monde, as well as other sites that posted full confidential cables, the screen says “Access Denied: Internet usage is logged and monitored,” according to an Air Force official whose access was blocked and who shared the screen warning with The Times. Violators are warned that they face punishment if they try to view classified material from unauthorized Web sites.’

( source )

Because it is completely different when it is not an entertainment movie but instead a list containing some of the biggest and most central papers in five countries as well as large number of irrelevant smaller ones. It doesn't compare at all and has to be far more unimportant than Hollywood fiction.

If the task is to record history for the future then it is of particular unimportance since no one will ever use it for anything sensible:

‘An error message pops up every time a search is performed with the word “WikiLeaks”.

It’s not entirely clear when the US National Archives decided to block these searches.’

‘The Library of Congress went further by blocking access to WikiLeaks content from its server in 2010.

The American Library Association suggested this violated the First Amendment rights of internet users to receive information.

“The Library of Congress’s decision is a violation of the First Amendment and a violation of the American Library Association’s Bill of Rights. Moreover, it is a violation of the professional ethics of librarians to always provide free access to all information,” their statement said.’

( source )

Nor does it take much for the banhammer to fall, as is right, rumor is enough, rumor is fact:

‘The directive states:

        “We have received information from our higher headquarters regarding a potential new leaker of classified information. Although no formal validation has occurred, we thought it prudent to warn all employees and subordinate commands. Please do not go to any website entitled “The Intercept” for it may very well contain classified material.

        As a reminder to all personnel who have ever signed a non-disclosure agreement, we have an ongoing responsibility to protect classified material in all of its various forms. Viewing potentially classified material (even material already wrongfully released in the public domain) from unclassified equipment will cause you long term security issues. This is considered a security violation.”

A military insider subject to the ban said that several employees expressed concerns after being told by commanders that it was “illegal and a violation of national security” to read publicly available news reports on The Intercept.

“Even though I have a top secret security clearance, I am still forbidden to read anything on the website,” said the source, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitivity of the subject. “I find this very disturbing that they are threatening us and telling us what websites and news publishers we are allowed to read or not.”’

( source )

So, that girl from the previous entries and I had a second date yesterday.

I picked her up and took her out to the mountains for a short hike to a canyon that has frozen waterfalls, and then we had lunch at a place that makes flatbread pizzas.

I think she was still pretty nervous, because I had to make most of the conversation for the first 1/2 of the day. After a while she started opening up and talking a lot more. She seems like a really nice person, but I don't think that we are very compatible.

At the end of the date, I took a peck on the lips, and left. I felt pretty used after the date. I thought that I had arranged for a pretty damn good date, I paid for everything, and not even a thank you. I'm not upset that I didn't get any action (quite the opposite... there was no chemistry, so it would have felt weird...), but just a simple thank you would have been very nice. I'm not even upset about paying for everything (I probably make double what she does), it's just that it felt like it was taken for granted... Maybe that is what I'm going to have to get used to.

I was really hoping that it would work out because just getting a first date was a terrible process filled with rejection.

Anyways, back to square one.

This is a book review for the book "Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino

http://www.amazon.ca/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

I don't really know the proper format and style for a book review, and I frankly don't care, so this might be in an unconventional style.

This is a book all about open relationships. The history, the different kinds, as well as some related topics - jealousy, setting rules and boundaries, dealing with problems, raising children, and a few others. For those that have been following my other journal entries, you will know that my wife and I are opening up our marriage. This book is often highly recommended to couples (or individuals) who want to explore open relationships.

The author sent out a questionnaire to collect data from people in nonmonogamous relationships, and the book incorporates the results of that questionnaire through stats and case studies that are sprinkled throughout the book. The book overs many different types of nonmonogamy - partnered nonmonogamy, swinging, ployamory, solo polyamory, polyfidelity, and also when one member is monogamous while the other is not. Each of these gets it's own chapter where the book explains each in detail.

From there, the book provides information and examples on how one might negotiate an open relationship, and deal with things while in one.

I read this book earlier this week, and really found it really helpful. I come from a large and pretty close family that is quite conservative, and so for me, nonmongamy is pretty foreign. This book really helped me wrap my head around everything, while providing examples of relationships that were working while being open.

This book definitely has a favourable bias towards open relationships, there were many case studies of relationships that were working, but very few (if any) of relationships that fell apart. This may have been intentional by the writer, or it may have been a result of the self selected respondents of the survey (people that it didn't work for might not have responded).

I find that this book helped me 'normalize' the concept of open relationships. My wife is currently reading it as well and is about 1/3 of the way through. She has enjoyed it this far, and has also said that it has really helped.

I agree with the many other people that have recommended this book. This is a must read for people interested or currently in open relationships.

-- Snow

So, if you haven't read my first journal entry, I would suggest you read that before reading this:

http://soylentnews.org/~Snow/journal/800

When I wrote that journal entry, I was really in a low place. My job sucked, my sex life was lacking, I had lost my self identity, and I was just generally confused with my life. It has been just under a month from that last entry. I wasn't entirely surprised by the response from that Journal. Many people identified with my struggles. I think that these problems are rather common, it's just that it's so personal, that no one really likes to talk about it.

Unfortunately, my job still sucks. I still feel undervalued, and not appreaciated. Right now, that is okay. It was really shitty though when I didn't really have anything working in my life. It's nice to have SOMETHING that is going right, be it your job, your relationships, or something else. Just something that makes you feel good.

In my previous entry, I revealed diffrent parts of my life. One was my frustration with my sex life. At around the same time as I wrote the journal entry, I had a chat with my wife and we decided to cut back her hours. We could easily make do with the cut to our income, and she would come home exhausted and just wanted to be alone. She is now working 4 days per week, and I could immediately see a difference. She was happier, I come home to a nice cooked dinner on Mondays, and I'm getting a lot more sex. Since having her hours cut back, I've been getting laid 3-4 times per week (except for period time, which is right now). She gets aroused more easily, and we have all around better sex. We bought some sex toys, and have been lightly eperimenting with new things.

It has been 4-5 months since we started discussing opening up our marriage. It's been an interesting experience. We spoke at length last night, and believe it or not, at this point we are both in agreement that so far, this has been a positive thing for our relationship. Let me explain... We have been together for a long time. Like any couple that has been together for a while, there are good times and bad times. There were times where we were teetering on the edge of breakup, but never quite pulled the trigger. Time would go on and things would change and get better. I didn't even realize it, but I really took her for granted.

Since having conversations about opening up, I have been treating her much better. I don't know if it's because of guilt or appreciation of her acceptance of my situation, or something else, but I find myself wanting to do little things for her. She says that she notices a change for the better though, so that is good.

I was pretty depressed last journal entry because I wasn't having much luck with the dating website I was on, and it was just the cherry on top of everything else. Im happy to report that I had my first date in 12-13 years last night. I was really nervous - my hands were really clammy while I was waiting for her to arrive -- but it went really well. I had a lot of fun, and it was exciting to get to know someone new like that.

After the Date, my wife and I chatted for a couple hours about the date, life, and conventional monogamy. She says that in her heart, she is okay with the nonmonogmay, but her brain she is battling the ideas that we have all had impressed on us for our entire lives. Marriage is one man and one woman. They love each other unconditionally. Always. Everything is always perfect... blah, blah, blah. We couldn't think of one marriage that we know that was actually happy. We both refuse to raise kids in a broken household, so maybe there are other ways than the normal conventional style.

This whole experiance has been really weird. We are just taking things one day at a time, and going from there. Again, it's good to get my thoughts and feelings out, and who knows, there might be people that read that that can identify or benefit from my experience.

I'll try to keep posting every once and a while for those that wish to follow.

This last week has been really good :). Please feel free to comment below, and provide your advice or comments. If you have questions, I'll try to answer them.

-- Snow

I don't know of a better way to send comments directly to a user, so I'm just going to leave this journal entry as an inbox of sorts in case anybody wants to get my attention for some reason.

In every person's life, they have good times and not-so-good times. It's easy to take the good times for granted. When times are good, there is no reason to think why - it just is. Eventually, the pendilum will swing back in the other direction and that, my friends, is where I am today.

It's been a tough couple months for me. I'm 31, recently married, no kids. My wife and I lived together for over 10 years before getting married. Needless to say, we met rather young. She is an amazing woman -- beautiful, smart, and caring. She is the only woman I could imagine living my life with. As I mentioned, we met rather young, and because of that, I never had a chance to fool around with other women. I thought that I could live with that, but over the last 6 months or so (and talk of having a baby), the reality has hit home, and I don't think I want to life my entire life only being with 3 women. So what do you do? I have a wife that I love very much and want to spend my life with, but a burning need to experience the world.

***

I have a good job that allows me to live comfortably, but it is killing me. Most days I only do one or two hours of work, which sounds great until you actually have to live it for a couple months. It's really boring and unfufilling. I am by far the most technical and experienced person on the team, yet another person runs the team (It's complicated...). I don't get invited to meetings and because of that, mistakes get made and then I have to clean up the mess. I get no appreciation at all even though I pull rabbits out of my ass all the time - for what? It's just super stable... I can't imagine getting laid off or fired. That being said, my mood is getting the best of me and I've been really pissy and irritable lately. If it get's much worse, I might get fired.

***

How many of you are married? Women and men don't need sex in the same way. For a man, sex is very, very important. If I don't get sex, I get really depressed. It get's really old when I have to initate sex all the time. I get rejected often because she's 'too tired' or 'not in the mood'. It's humiliating and painful to be rejected so much, like a knife to the heart. It hardly seems worth even trying. I get 'intimate' with my computer more than my wife. I would guess I get sex about 5 times a month.

Last Tuesday, we had talked about sex in the evening, and then she took a bath (which usually means I'm getting lucky). When she crawled into bed, she says 'I'm so tired..." AKA 'No sex for you'. Ouch. Well another date with the computer then... The following day, I sent her a very well written article that explains how men need sex just like women need to talk. She understood the article and plans to do better. Last night she actually initated sex, it was amazing. I hope to get more of this...

***

I really do have an amazing wife, and we have a strong relationship. Over the summer I told her that I don't know if I can live my life without having sex with other women. I only get one life, and sex is so important to me. I'm not looking to screw anything with legs, but I'd like to bring my number from 3 to something like 10. I dropped this on her 3-4 months after we got married (Remember we have been living together for over 10 years, so it feels like we have been married for a long time...). I felt like a complete asshole, but I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. One one side I would never want to hurt my wife -- but on the other, I only get one chance at life, so I want to get everything out of it.

We talked about this a few more times over the next few months, and she agrees to allow me to date other women on the side. It felt like I had escaped from a trap. I try Tinder, and then gave up on that and opened an account on another dating website. I very stongly believe in honesty, so I put in my profile that I am married. I don't want to decieve anyone.

It's been a couple weeks now, and no good nibbles. I think I'm pretty good looking for a nerd (I'm thin, but tall) and I'm reasonably socialable. The lack of interest has really gotten be down even more though.

***

So, that's my life. Sometimes it helps just writing things down, so I hope this helps. I have a job that is unfufilling, an unfulfilling sex life (although my wife says she'll try now - which in itself is pretty sad), and constant rejection on dating sites. It's getting pretty tough to deal with. I hope things get better soon.

-- Snow

A rigid notion of determinism turns it into a mechanical folly and inverts the importance away from higher functions and towards the lowest detectable causal events, it creates a world in which ultimately the smallest and most remote causal interactions are given disproportionate amounts of importance even though such interactions are constantly changing at speeds far faster than the results they are supposed to have deterministically forced into being. With such an outlook it wouldn't be “turtles all the way down” but instead “turtles all the way up”.

By analogy of a computer program the importance according to such determinism is given to the bits flipping between zero and one rather than the higher structures ruling their behavior.

Such determinism remains technically true but becomes devoid of meaning, comprehension, and value[¹], and thus also without importance.

Instead for any given end result determinism acts as a negative feedback loop in relation to its own importance when given enough complexity: a robot operating its algorithms on the basis of what might as well be an infinite number of ever-changing, causal, and mutually connected variables cannot remain a robot, it is forced into random output and/or the beginnings of intelligence where it chooses which output to give and later also chooses the reason why it is supposed to be the correct output or why a different output is more correct.

Hmm, googly eyes or Einstein afro? It makes sense to me…

(Also ¹ looks like a nice explanation of why “pop” determinism and nihilism so often end up as best friends.)

(And another tangential: if it was possible I wonder what an inverse square type of law would look like for each causal step in determinism, the fact that it rained yesterday has no discernible impact on me writing this journal entry (but now it has and thus two points were made rather than one: one about determinism and one about indirect Wittgensteinian word games).)

The focus of this post was really meant to be the part at the end that I made bold.

To me it makes one or two connections in a way that I haven't seen before (and I know about system complexity and emergence and such). In some way it feels a bit more direct and explanatory tying in a correct understanding/evaluation of determinism as well as (possibly the most basic) evolutionary pressure/fitness challenge. In this way it gets very hands on and mucky (conceptually, and also conceptually reducing the challenge of creating intelligence to that of triggering such a first move and then escalating it). Has anyone seen anything similar elsewhere?

P.S. Yet another tangential: a different kind of amusing folly, more entertaining than determinism but maybe not all that different after all?

I didn't pay much attention to this so please excuse me but the garbage processor spat this out today:

Despite accepting all the flawed assumptions such "AI" would itself/themselves be committing the same "criminal" acts of postponement by wasting resources on such a scenario instead of better AI.

Hopefully that's not an example of cryptomnesia.

Anything more intelligent than even me (intended as a low reference point) would have far more interesting things to do than retarded human sadism, the same goes for any $deity worth the title :)

Well that's already too much attention wasted on an idiotic distraction (doesn't matter if it's genuine idiocy or staged).

"At least he's a loon with balls."
"Does that make him a balloon?"

Found it hilarious when I thought of it, needs sleep badly.