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The Strange Teachings of Muhammad: necrophilia, incest, homosexuality, slavery and menstrual blood fetish
  The Strange Teachings of Muhammad

By: FrontPage Magazine

Frontpage Interview’s guest today is Coptic priest Fr. Zakaria Botros, who al Qaeda has called “one of the most wanted infidels in the world,” issuing a 60 million dollar bounty on his head. Popular Arabic magazines also call him “Islam’s public enemy #1“. He hosts a television program, “Truth Talk,” on Life TV. His two sites are Islam-Christianity.net andFatherZakaria.net. He was recently awarded the Daniel of the Year award.

FP: Fr. Zakaria Botros, welcome to Frontpage Interview.

Botros: Thank you for inviting me.

FP: Let’s begin with your own personal story, in terms of Islam and Christianity.

Botros: I am a Copt. In my early 20s, I became a priest. Of course, in predominantly Muslim Egypt, Christians—priests or otherwise—do not talk about religion with Muslims. My older brother, a passionate Christian learned that lesson too late: after preaching to Muslims, he was eventually ambushed by Muslims who cut out his tongue and murdered him. Far from being deterred or hating Muslims, I eventually felt more compelled to share the Good News with them. Naturally, this created many problems: I was constantly harassed, threatened, and eventually imprisoned and tortured for one year, simply for preaching to Muslims. Egyptian officials charged me with abetting “apostasy,” that is, for being responsible for the conversion of Muslims to Christianity. Another time I was arrested while boarding a plane out of Egypt. Eventually, however, I managed to flee my native country and resided for a time in Australia and England. Anyway, my life-story with Christianity and Islam is very long and complicated. In fact, an entire book about it was recently published.

FP: I apologize for asking this, but what were some of the tortures you endured when you were imprisoned?

Botros: Due to my preaching the Gospel, Egyptian soldiers broke into my home putting their guns to my head. Without telling me why, they arrested me and placed me in an extremely small prison cell (1.8×1.5×1.8 meters, which was further problematic, since I am 1.83 meters tall), with other inmates, and in well over 100 degree temperatures, with little ventilation, no windows, and no light. No beds of course, we slept on the floor—in shifts, as there was not enough room for all of us to lie down. Due to the lack of oxygen, we used to also take shifts lying with our noses under the crack of the cell door to get air. As a result, I developed a kidney infection (receiving, of course, no medical attention). Mosquitoes plagued us. Food was delivered in buckets; we rarely even knew what the gruel was. The prison guards would often spit in the bucket in front of us, as well as fling their nose pickings in it.

FP: My heart goes out to you in terms of this terrible suffering you endured.

What is your primary purpose in what you do?

Botros: Simple: the salvation of souls. As I always say, inasmuch as I may reject Islam, I love Muslims. Thus, to save the latter, I have no choice but to expose the former for the false religion it is. Christ commanded us to spread the Good News. There is no rule that says Christians should proselytize the world—except for Muslims! Of course, trying to convert the latter is more dangerous. But we cannot forsake them. This is more important considering that many Muslims are “religious” and truly seek to please God; yet are they misdirected. So I want to take their sincerity and piety and direct it to the True Light.

FP: In what way can you summarize for us why you think that Islam is a “false” religion?

Botros: Theologically, as I am a Christian priest, I believe that only Christianity offers the truth. Based on my faith in Christ, I reject all other religious systems as man-made and thus not reflective of divine truths. Moreover, one of the greatest crimes committed by Muhammad—a crime which he shall surely never be forgiven for—is that he denied the grace and mercy that Christ brought, and took humanity back to the age of the law.

But faith aside, common sense alone makes it clear that, of all the world’s major religions, Islam is most certainly false. After all, while I may not believe in, say, Buddhism, still, it obviously offers a good philosophical system and people follow it apparently for its own intrinsic worth. The same cannot be said about Islam. Of all the religions it is the only one that has to threaten its adherents with death if they try to break away; that, from its inception, in order to “buy” followers, has been dedicated to fulfilling some of the worst impulses of man—for conquest, sex, plunder, pride. History alone demonstrates all this: while Christianity was spread far and wide by Christians who altruistically gave up their lives, simply because they believed in Christ, Islam spread by force, by the edge of the sword, by fear, threats, and lurid enticements to the basest desires of man. Islam is by far the falsest religion—an assertion that is at once theologically, philosophically, and historically demonstrable.

FP: You always document your discussions with Islamic sources. Why do Muslim clerics and imams have such a difficulty discussing what Islam itself teaches and instead just attack you personally?

Botros: I think the answer is obvious. The Islamic sources, the texts, speak for themselves. Muslims have no greater enemy than their own scriptures—particularly the Hadith and Sira—which constantly scandalize and embarrass Muslims. To date, I have done well over 500 different episodes dedicated to various topics regarding Islam. And for every one of these episodes, all my material comes directly from Islam’s textual sources, particularly usul al-fiqh—the Koran, hadith, and ijma of the ulema as found in their tafsirs.

So what can the sheikhs of Islam do? If they try to address the issue I raise based on Islam’s texts and sharia, they will have no choice but to agree—for instance that concubinage is legal, or that drinking camel urine is advocated. The only strategy left them, then, is to ignore all that I present and attack my person, instead.

And when well-meaning Muslims ask their leaders to respond to these charges, one of their favorite responses is to quote the Koran, where it says “Do not ask questions of things that will hurt you.”

FP: So what does it say about a religion whose religious teachers and members have to ignore their own theological texts because they cannot endure what those texts really say? What sense does any of this make?

Botros: Again, this is a reflection of the fact that Islam is less a faith, more a vehicle for empowerment. As you say, what is the point for a person to closely guard and follow a religion that he himself has to rationalize, ignore, minimize, constantly reinterpret, dissemble over, and so forth? The fact is, most Muslims do not know what is in their own texts; at best, they know, and here and there try to follow, the Five Pillars. This is why the issues I broach often traumatize Muslims—like a freshening slap across the face: a short, sharp, shock. The stubborn, who take it as an attack of “us versus them,” irrespective of truths, just fume and plot to kill me; the other, more reasonable Muslims, who are really searching for the truth, end up waking up to the biggest hoax perpetrated on the human race in 1400 years, and many come to the ultimate Truth.

A better question is why do the ulema hide these issues from both infidel scrutiny as well as the eyes of the average Muslim? One would think that if anyone is dedicated to the truth it would be the ulema; yet their deceptive tactics reveal the opposite. For instance, it is often the case that, after I quote problematic passages from certain Islamic books, they have a strange tendency of disappearing from the book shelves of the Arabic world.

The bottom line is, many Muslims think of Islam less as a spiritual system dedicated to ascertaining and putting one on the course of the truth, and more a way of life—first and foremost not to be questioned—that if followed closely, will result, not only in future paradise, but earthly success, honor, and power.

FP: You have pointed to a hadith that instructs women to breastfeed men. What exactly is going on here and what do the ulema (prominent Muslim theologians past and present) have to say?

Botros: This is a perfect example of what I just said. After I made popular the Islamic notion of rida‘ al-kabir—wherein women must “breastfeed” strange men in order to be in their presence—instead of confronting their own hadiths which documented this, the ulema attacked me. Why? Because they have no answer. Much easier to turn it around and slander me, instead of simply addressing their own texts.

Past and present, the ulema have by and large supported this shameful practice—including Ibn Taymiyya, “sheikh al-Islam.” Moreover, sometime after I publicly documented rida‘ al-kabir, a top Islamic scholar in al-Azhar—the most authoritative institution in Sunni Islam—actually issued a fatwa authorizing Muslim women to “breastfeed” strange men, to which the Egyptian populace (happily) revolted. Yet when I alone mentioned it earlier, I was accused of “distorting” Islam.

FP: So Islamic texts command that women must breastfeed strange men. Ok, so who would create such an instruction? For what purpose? Who even wrote this down and thought of it? Le’s even say that I am being open-minded and am ready to accept this as an understandable teaching. What’s the rationale here? Yes, women should breastfeed strange men because. . . .?

Botros: Because Muhammad—“Allah’s prayers and blessings be upon him”—said so. Period. Who created such a practice? Muhammad. Why? Who knows; the texts say he laughed after commanding the woman to breastfeed that man. Maybe he was joking around, trying to see how far people will believe in him as a prophet? The top hadith compilers wrote it down, preserving it for later generations. As for what purpose does it serve, one can ask that question about any number of things Muhammad said: what purpose does drinking camel urine serve? What purpose does commanding men to wear only silver as opposed to gold serve? What purpose does banning music serve? What purpose does anathematizing dogs serve? What purpose does commanding people to eat only with their right hands, never their left, serve? What purpose does commanding Muslims to lick all their fingers after eating serve? Simple: sharia law’s totalitarian approach serves to brainwash Muslims, making them automatons that never question their religion, or, in the words of their own Koran, “Do not ask questions that may prove harmful to them.”

FP: Tell us a bit about Muhammed’s sex life as documented by Islamic sources.

Botros: This is a very embarrassing topic for me to discuss; and I only do so out of my love for Muslims—though I know it is painful for them to hear. Yet such is how healing begins, through initial pain and suffering. In short, according to Islam’s scriptures, Muhammad was, well, a pervert: he used to suck on the tongues of young boys and girls; he dressed in women’s clothing (and received “revelations” in this state); he had at least 66 “wives”; Allah supposedly sent him special “revelations” allowing him to have sex with his step-daughter-in-law, Zainab, and to have more wives than the rest of Muslims; he constantly dwelt and obsessed over sex—his first question to a “talking donkey” was if the latter “liked sex”—and he painted a very lurid and lusty picture of paradise, where, according to some top Muslim interpreters, Muslims will be “busy deflowering virgins” all day; and he had sex with a dead woman. There is more, but why dwell on such shameful things? Again, I stress, it is not I who maintains this but rather Islam’s own books—much, of course, not known to non-Arabic readers, as they have never been translated (except, as I understand, by some heroes at a website called Jihad Watch).

FP: Yes, that’s our friend Robert Spencer’s website.

But wait, here’s the key. Many people right now will point at you and make accusations against you for saying these supposedly horrible things. But again, the issue is not that you are making these allegations. The issue is that Islamic scriptures themselves say it. So if Muslims are offended or shocked by these realities then they must confront their own scriptures and deal with them. They need to confront who wrote them and why, and either accept them or categorically reject them as lies, etc.

For the record, pinpoint some Islamic scriptures for us that detail these ingredients of Muhammad’s sex life so that, once again, we crystallize that the issue is not you making accusations, but simply revealing what Islamic scriptures themselves say.

Botros: Where does one start? According to the Koran alone (33:37), Allah made it legitimate for Muhammad to marry his own daughter-in-law, whom he lusted after. A few verses later (33:50), Allah made it legitimate for Muhammad to have sex with any woman who “offered” herself to him—a privilege which was allowed for Muhammad alone. Indeed, these “revelations” which granted Muhammad all his sexual desires were so frequent that his child-wife, Aisha, would often say to Muhammad, “My, your Lord is always quick to fulfill your desires!” And to his faithful followers, Muhammad permitted all the infidel woman that they could capture, as concubines (Koran 4:3). All this is from the Koran alone; it would take several hours just to go over the hadiths and sira accounts dealing with the sexual perversions of Muhammad. In fact, I have devoted numerous episodes dealing specifically with Muhammad’s sexual depravities—including his sleeping with a dead woman, have a fetish for the smell of menstruation blood, dressing in women’s clothing, and so forth. (Jihad Watch has translated many of these.)

FP: One of your more popular videos is your Ten Demands.

What has the impact been of your ministry?

Botros: It has been glorious—praise be to God alone, whose instrument I am. Haya TV (“Life TV”) and I receive daily countless e-mails from Muslim converts to Christianity. Our programs reach millions of Arabic speaking viewers around the world. It is even banned in certain countries, such as Saudi Arabia, even though people from there still manage to access our programs.

FP: How about the feedback you receive?

Botros: Mostly positive; mostly from those who have, as I call it, “crossed over,” that is, converts to Christianity. And of course some are angry and full of hate. But like I said, it is not feedback—positive or negative—that motivates me, but rather unconditional love for those sincere souls living in bondage.

FP: You’ve obviously been instrumental in Muslims coming to Christ, yes?

Botros: That’s what they tell me. In fact, many of them tell me I am like a father to them, which I am honored to be called, though I remind all we have but One Father. For instance, one man recently contacted me, in tears, telling me how, when he was a Muslim, he wanted to kill me—to cut off my head! He spent much time and effort plotting how he can find me so he can kill me (and “please” Allah and his prophet). So he kept watching my shows, hoping somehow to find a clue that would help him locate me. Instead, a miracle occurred: over time, he realized I wasn’t making things up, that everything I said was in fact in Islam’s books. He stopped hating me. And in time, he came to Christ. It is stories like these that keep me going.

FP: In your view, who was Muhammad?

Botros: Well, I have received the answer from Islam’s own books. Ironically, Ibn Taymiyya, who happens to be the hero of the modern mujahid movement, explained the prerequisites of prophet-hood very well. One of the things he stressed is that, in order to know if a prophet is in fact from God, we must study his sira, or his biography, much like the Christ’s statement that “You shall know them from their fruits.” So, taking Ibn Taymiyya’s advice, I recently devoted a number of episodes analyzing the biography of Muhammad, which unequivocally proves that he was not a prophet, that his only “fruits” were death, destruction, and lust. Indeed, he himself confessed and believed that he was being visited and tormented by a “jinn,” or basically a demon, until his wife Khadija convinced him that it was the angel Gabriel—which, of course is ironic, since Muhammad himself later went on to say that the testimony of a woman is half that of a man: maybe over time he realized she was wrong, and that his first assumption was right.

FP: Fr. Botros, thank you for visiting us today.

Botros: Thank you, and may the true God richly bless you.

http://boinnk.nl/101408/the-strange-teachings-of-muhammad-necrophilia-incest-homosexuality-slavery-and-menstrual-blood-fetish/

A problematic bug in simple-init can be resolved by eliminating one variable. Specifically, change:-

$wait=60*60*24;
while($active&& $running) {
  (undef,$wait)=select(undef,undef,undef,$wait);
}

to:-

while($active&& $running) {
  select(undef,undef,undef,60*60*24);
}

or suchlike. This change eliminates the case where the variable is zero and a busy wait on select() ensues.

Minor bugs remain. Regardless, simple-init is now suitable for deployment on systems which do not require suspend.

http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/imperialism/notes/islamchron.html

There isn't a lot of detail in the timeline, being just a timeline. But, it is chock full of hundreds of years of warfare between Europe and Islam. A lot of things that I've read of, but forgot, as well as a lot of things that I never did read about.

I'll wager that few of our members know more than a fraction of this history. The antipathy between Christians and Muslims is founded on history. Europe has reason to fear the current invasion of military aged male Muslims. History points out pretty clearly why Muslims communities in Europe are a bad, bad, BAD idea.

Mayor Waldo was eating his salad as he waited for the main course when he was summoned to Dome Hall for an emergency. His secretary insisted that he couldn't talk about it in public or on the phone.
        He paid for the meal, told the serverbot to keep his food warm when it was finished cooking, and returned to Dome Hall, muttering under his breath. He asked Willie Clark, his secretary, what was going on that was so important it would interrupt his lunch hour.
        “A body was found outside the dome, sir. We suspect murder.”
        Murder? There had been a lot of death in Mars’ hundred years of colonization, but until now there hadn’t been a single murder, at least that anyone had known about. There were no homicides on the planet’s surface, at least; in space the pirates would kill you the first chance they got. In space, only the Green-Osbourne Transportation Company’s security fleet kept things relatively calm.
        “Why do you suspect murder? There’s never been a murder on Mars.”
        “Until now. The body was found outside the dome and wasn’t wearing a suit.”
        “Maybe he was drunk and stumbled through the wrong door. I should talk to council members about assigning guards to the airlocks.”
        “No, sir. Impossible. The body was found a half kilometer from the nearest lock. If he’d simply walked through the airlock...”
        “Hmm, yes. He’d have died before he went two steps and probably would have died inside the lock. Who do you have investigating?”
        “Nobody yet, sir. The police chief called us right before we called you, looking for guidance. The coroner is examining the body and we expect her report in a week or two. The corpse had been out there a couple of days at least. Of course there was no decay, but the body was completely desiccated, freeze-dried, as would be expected.”
        “Do we know the cause of death? Was a dead body taken outside, or a live one out there to die?”
        “The coroner is still doing the examination, sir. We’ll let you know as soon as we know.”
        “Thanks, Willie. Have the police start an investigation, and have them get in touch with an Earthian police detective who has experience in solving homicides, and have our people get advice from him or her.”
        “Should we keep this secret? At least until we know more? The Chief thinks so.”
        “No, you’re not working for Wilcox any more, and I’m not anything like Wilcox was. That’s why we won in a landslide, people hated his secrecy. Set up a press conference for tomorrow morning.”
        “Yes, sir.”
        He went back and finished his lunch.

        Albert Morton was the electrician who had discovered the body. It had been the most horrible thing he had ever seen in his life, and it ate at him that there had been nothing about it on the news. Who had done this, and why? He decided to contact a newspaper the next morning. Tonight he was going to get drunk; he’d never seen anything so gruesome, and couldn’t get the awful scene out of his head.

        “Say, Ed, how’s being Mayor treating you? Lager?”
        “Hi, John. Yeah, and a shot, I don’t care what. Scotch, I guess. My job’s sure not very fun today, we’re almost certain that we have a murder on our hands.”
        “Murder? On Mars? Really?”
        “We can’t see how it could be anything else. He was found half a kilometer from the airlock without an environment suit.”
        “What killed him?”
        “We won’t know until the coroner’s report comes in. But it has to be murder, nothing else makes sense. How’s business?”
        “I just got mail from Dewey this morning. We captured five pirate vessels last week and got a nice big finder’s fee from the boats’ rightful owners. He and Charles are looking at some new propulsion systems that might be a lot more efficient than the ion engines we’re using now. That will both lower the shipper’s cost and increase our profits, maybe even more than when we went from fission generators to fusions. And there’s a lot more shipping since they found all those rare earths on Ceres.”
        “Your bar doesn’t seem to be doing all that good.”
        John snorted. “You know this is just a hobby, but still, it is turning a small profit. It doesn’t usually get too busy until later at night. My brewery is doing almost too good. It’s hard to grow enough ingredients to brew enough of it to supply the demand. I may have to buy another building to grow more hops and barley and other ingredients.”
        A man walked in. “Hi, Al,” the bartender said. “The usual?”
        “Not today, John. Really bad day, I’ll have nightmares tonight. A lager and a shot of that white lightning you make. God damn, I ran across a dead body at work today outside the dome, and it was someone I’d met a few times. The poor guy didn’t have a suit on. Not just no suit, he wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing.”
        “Yeah, Ed here was telling me about it.”
        The mayor said “I hadn’t heard that. They only said he had no suit.”
        The electrician asked “Ed, why isn’t this in the news?”
        “Beats me, but I’m holding a press conference about it tomorrow. Wilcox would have tried to keep it secret, but that’s why he lost the election. Was it gruesome?”
        Al downed his shot, took a sip of beer, and said “You wouldn’t have wanted to be there. John, another shot, please. Make it a double.

        Sam Woodside was a reporter for the Martian Times, one of several dozen such newspapers in Mars’ many domes. Al Morton called him the next morning, a day after the discovery, with news of the dead body that he had found. The reporter asked the electrician “Who was he and how did he die?”
        “I don’t know, His first name was Bob, but I don’t know what his last name was. He was an electrician, too, but he usually worked the other side of the dome from me and I didn’t know him very well, I only met him a few times. His shop was short staffed so they assigned me on that side temporarily. You’ll have to ask the cops his full name and how he died. I talked to the mayor last night at Hooker’s, and they don’t know much yet.”
        “Hookers?”
        “Hooker’s Tavern, named after a musician who lived in the nineteen hundreds. John Knolls is a good friend of mine and owns the place.”
        They spoke for another fifteen minutes without Sam learning much.
        As he was beginning to dial the mayor’s office to get more information, another call came in. It was from his boss, who assigned him to a press conference the mayor had scheduled for the morning.
        Typical. He really wanted to write about the murder and here he had to attend a meaningless press conference. He wondered what it was about. “Probably something nobody would want to read about,” he thought.
        The news conference lasted a long time, even though little was yet known about the murder. The only clue had been the corpse itself, and it hadn’t yet yielded any answers. They would have to wait for the coroner, who had possession of the case’s only clue that had turned up so far.
        The mayor issued an executive order that all airlocks be guarded, and that no one would be allowed outside the dome alone. Martians had to be extra cautious about everything, since the environment outside the domes was so deadly. Safety was drilled into native-born Martians from birth.
        The mayor had of course been in contact with Dome Council members, all of whom were going to present a bill making the guards and the “nobody goes out alone” rule law. All had urged him to make the executive order, which would last until the council next met.
        Sam wrote the story, which was on the front page with an extra large headline: “GRUESOME MURDER OUTSIDE THE DOME” and in smaller type, “Police Have Few Clues, No Suspects”. Sam took what little information he had about the murder and skillfully stretched it to two full columns, most of which was the accounts of the electrician’s grieving friends and family, and some of it slightly redundant.
        The dome’s police contacted a homicide investigator on Earth, who chided the Martian for doing so little investigating. “Come on, man, get a warrant and search the victim’s home and workplace. It may have been for robbery, but there are a lot of things that cause murder. Find out who he associated with, if he was having any love affairs, who saw him last. Don’t wait for the coroner! What did the crime scene look like?”
        “Like there was a dust storm between when he was killed and when the body was found. If there were any footprints or wheel tracks or any other such evidence they were gone.”
        It seemed the newspaper had done more investigating than the police. The Martian took the Earthian policeman’s advice, but still came up with little, at least at first.

        “Hi, George, I was wondering if you were sick or something and didn’t go to work today, you always drop by for a beer on your way home.” John poured an ale for him.
        “I ran really late tonight, somebody stole my tools. At first I thought somebody might have grabbed my tool box by mistake, but I’m pretty sure they were stolen. Anyway, I had to fill out a ton of paperwork for the insurance.”
        “Sorry to hear that, the tools must be expensive.”
        “Yeah, they are. Brand new tools, state of the art stuff. I was working on two panels around a corner from each other, and I had my tool chest by one panel when I was working on the other one. I closed that panel up and went to finish the side where my tools were, and they were gone.
        “Like I was saying, at first I thought someone must have picked the tools up by mistake, but I noticed boot prints going away from the dome from where my tools had been. So when I got back in the dome and out of my suit I called the cops. I didn’t think anyone picked them up by mistake after seeing footprints leading away from the dome. The cops said it was possible that were taken by mistake, but I don’t think so. Talking to the cops took another hour.”
        A man in a policeman’s uniform came in, sat down, and ordered a shot of Bourbon and a wheat beer. “Rough week,” he told the bartender. “Murder a few days ago, probable theft today.”
        “Yeah, I heard.”
        The policeman looked at George. “Say, you’re the fellow whose tools are missing, aren’t you?”
        George answered in the affirmative and ordered another beer. Obviously a little distraught, he had drank the first one far faster than usual.
        The officer said “those boot prints you saw led to wheel tracks. We followed them for ten kilometers, and it looked like a space craft had landed and taken off. We think pirates have your tools.”
        George shook his head sadly. “Damned pirates, the tools are insured but it’ll take three weeks to get them replaced, and I won’t be able to work.”
        “That sucks, George. Need to run a tab until your new tools come?” the bartender asked.
        “Thanks, John, but I have enough cash and credit to make it until I can get new tools delivered.”
        The police officer finished his beer and shot and walked home, just as Mayor Waldo came in. “Hi, John. We had a theft today, give me the usual.”
        “Hi, Ed. Yeah, I heard,” he said, pouring the mayor a beer and the thirsty electrician a third beer.
        Ed sighed. “News travels fast.”
        John laughed. “Where would you go if your tools were stolen and you couldn’t work for weeks? You know George, don’t you?”
        “Yeah, hi George. Those were your tools?”
        “Yeah, it really sucks.”
        “Anything I can do? Or the dome can do?”
        George laughed. “Yeah, get a better football team, the Australians and Europeans always kick our asses!”
        Talk drifted off to sports for a while, and a thought came to John. “Ed,” he said, “Could the pirates have committed that murder?”
        “No, they would have taken him to their ship so they wouldn’t harm the suit. Everyone knows how valuable a suit is. They would have just dumped the body in space.”
        “You ought to dump those footballers in space,” George said dourly.
        The mayor and bartender laughed, and talk went back to sports as more people started trickling in.

        The next day the Chief of Police called the mayor with news of clues: the dead man’s tools and environment suit were missing. Did someone murder him for his suit and tools? It looked like that was the motive, although police were still investigating the victim’s associates. If they found that suit and those tools, they would likely find the murderer.
        Things seemed to be looking up. He usually only stopped by John’s bar when he’d had a bad day or a seemingly insoluble problem, but he decided to make an exception this time since his old friend Charlie Onehorse would be there. Charlie was the mayor of Dome Australia Two, about twenty kilometers from his dome. Old Charlie had been visiting on a trade mission.
        When he got off work, John’s bar was already filling up. “Ed!” came a voice from the gloom, as his eyes hadn’t yet adjusted, but he knew that voice.
        “Hey, Charlie! How did your deal go?”
        “Ace, even though those blokes aren’t drongos, but the deals always go well. Almost all of them, anyway. I heard your dome had a homicide?”
        “Yeah, it sure looks like the poor guy was murdered. Had some thefts, too, but one of them looks like pirates.”
        “Maybe it was pirates that killed that bloke,” Charlie said.
        “That’s what John said, but like I told him, they would have just carried him and his suit away and dumped the body in space.”
        “Yeah, you’re right, they would have. Damned pirates, I hope they leave my dome alone. Hey, John, get a grog for Ed, would you?” Just then a robot rolled up with Mayor Waldo’s beer.
        At the other end of the bar, John was talking to Al. Al had been telling him of the nightmarishly horrible discovery and how it was affecting him for the last few days, which he had mostly spent in the bar getting very drunk. “Al, I want you to meet a friend of mine,” John said as an attractive woman walked up. “Al, meet Tammy Winters.”
        “Hello, Ms. Winters.”
        “It’s doctor, but call me Tammy. John tells me you’re having some problems.”
        Al glared at John angrily. Tammy said “Look, Al, your reaction to what you’ve gone through is normal. Look, I have a friend who needs some new patients, could you help him out?” and handed him her colleague’s business card.
        “Well, I don’t know,” Al said, looking at the card. “What will it cost?”
        “Nothing, the government pays for it.”
        “Thanks, I will!”
        Tammy replied “John, are you going to pour me a beer or what?”

        Several days later the coroner's report came back, right before the mayor was due to go home, and Mayor Waldo was puzzled. The report said the victim had a stroke; a blood vessel in his brain had burst and he’d died instantly. But why was he out there naked?
        He decided to talk to John. John always had an answer when things got crazy.

        “Holy crap,” Sam said when he got the news. “Damn, the most sensational news in my career and it wasn’t. How can I spin this? The boss wants more papers sold!”
        He decided to focus on the mystery of the naked corpse.

        “And your cops can’t figure it out, either?” John asked.
        “No,” said Ed. “It’s still a mystery.”
        “Christ, Ed, it’s as plain as the nose on your face! Look, only a few days later George’s tools were stolen, and the police say it was pirates. It’s simple, Ed. They were waiting for a chance to steal the poor guy’s expensive tools and he collapsed. So they not only stole his tools, but his environment suit and clothing as well. Why didn’t you guys see that?”
        Ed scratched his head. “I don’t know, but it makes sense. I’ll talk to the police chief about it tomorrow.” Just then George entered.
        “John!” he yelled. “Drinks for everybody! WOO HOO!”
        “What happened?” Ed asked.
        “John’s army!”
        “John’s army?”
        “It isn’t my army,” John said. “More Dewey’s than anyone’s, I only hold maybe fifteen percent of Green-Osbourne.”
        George said “I can’t thank you enough, John.”
        “George, I didn’t do anything, there wasn’t anything I could do,” John replied. “We capture pirates all the time. It earns us a lot of cash and makes shipping easier for everybody, including our competition. You just got lucky.”
        “I don’t care, I’m still grateful. They said I’d have my tools back the day after tomorrow.
        “Oh, and Ed—they found Bob’s suit and tools when they found my tools.”
        John grinned. “See?”

        After the Mayor’s press conference the next morning, Sam cursed. How could he spin this one without looking like a damned fool?

It was some time last year that someone on Facebook posted a graphic that said "Beer: because no good story ever started with someone eating a salad." There are a lot of them to be found in Google Images.

So I decided to write a good story that starts with someone eating a salad, although parts of the story do take place in a bar. How good is it?

Magazines like F&SF get a thousand submissions a month, and each bi-monthly issue only has half a dozen stories. Only the very best get printed, and almost all rejection slips are form letters that all say pretty much the same thing, no matter what magazine.

Out of over a hundred rejections, I've only gotten two that were not form letters. The first was actually the first story I ever submitted, "Voyage to Earth". A junior editor (or perhaps slush reader) wrote back saying that it was a good story and well written, but the beginning didn't grab her.

The story I'm posting tomorrow, "The Naked Truth" garnered a personalized rejection from Charles Finlay, F&SF's Editor in Chief! He wrote a very encouraging letter saying that the idea of a murder mystery on Mars intrigued him and it was well written, but he didn't like the ending.

It was very nearly in F&SF. That means it isn't just a good story that starts with someone eating a salad, but a VERY good story.

I'm putting magazine submissions on hiatus until I finish "Voyage to Earth and Other Stories". I want to publish it next year, some magazines hang on to stories for a really long time ("Dewey's War" was in Analog's slush pile for six months, Tor has had "The Exhibit" since December) and if they publish one, I won't be able to publish it for a couple of years.

I have five finished stories you haven't read, three of which nobody has. I'll probably post one every couple of weeks until I run out of them. I've been working on one story, "The Pirate" (which I may rename) for a couple of months. Writing's been hard since I smoked my last cigarette last New Year's Eve.

I didn't know how much storage my "new" tablet has (hadn't looked, it's eight gigs) but reading the manual that I had to google to find (It's second-hand) I saw that it would take a 30 gig SD card, what they're calling single inline memory modules (SIMMs) these days. I decided to get one at Walgreens when I got beer.

It was a 32 GB SIMM (MicroSD, whatever) so I made sure to keep the receipt in case it wouldn't work in the tablet, but installing it was easy.

I can't say the same about getting it out of the retail packaging! It took half an hour and I was afraid of breaking the chip getting it out.

When I booted the tablet, it reported that it had installed it and reported 32 GB. That's two gigs more than the size of the part of my music collection I actually listen to. So I connected to my network drive with the same file manager II use on the phone, copied the folder holding the music, and pasted into the SD card. It took several hours.

When it was done, it informed me that third party apps didn't have permission to write to the SD card! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BULLSHIT?? So I googled, and it said that Android 4 was the reason -- except my phone is running 4 and it had no problem writing to the simm.

The tablet has a built-in file manager that will access the SD, but can't access the network drive. I started copying a few at a time... and had a thought. I wondered if that 32 gig SD would work in the phone?

It does. So right now my phone's copying music from the network so I gan get it in the tablet. Good thing the physical chip is so easy to install and remove. I have a 12 gig chip in the phone, I think I'll get another 32 gig for the phone. Maybe bigger, I'll have to google to see what it can hold. I'll give the phone chip away.

But why would they have had a restriction like that?? Anyone have a clue for me?

A while back, when such matters were important, I wanted to install the Apache Web Server, MySQL Server and Perl on multiple Unix servers. I wanted this to be a repeatable process which would be trivially adapted in the case of upgrades and security fixes. So, I began writing install.sh in the following form:-

#!/bin/sh

tar xfz httpd-1.3.22.tar.gz
cd httpd-1.2.3
./configure
make
make install
cd ..
tar xfz mysql-4.0.15.tar.gz
cd mysql-4.0.15
./configure
make
make install
cd ..

This has quite a few limitations. Firstly, version numbers are hard-coded. Secondly, there is no error checking. (Yes, I know that make handles the latter but let's continue revelling in my ignorance. You'll be surprised how far I can get and what can be incorporated from it.) A slightly smarter implementation is to use shell backticks for the purpose of finding the most recent version number. Oh, and, for portability, we may wish to avoid GNU-specific extensions, such as tar xfz:-

#!/bin/sh

gzcat `ls -d httpd-* | fgrep .tar.gz | tail -1` | tar xf -
(cd `ls -d httpd-* | fgrep -v .tar.gz | tail -1` && ./configure && make && make install)
gzcat `ls -d mysql-* | fgrep .tar.gz | tail -1` | tar xf -
(cd `ls -d mysql-* | fgrep -v .tar.gz | tail -1` && ./configure && make && make install)

This still lacks portability and error checking. This can be added to shell scripts. However, there is a much more subtle problem. This implementation doesn't handle a transition from project-X.Y.9 to project-X.Y.10 because the sort order of ls -d differs from requirements. On some platforms, this can be fixed with ls -dv. However, other problems remain. Firstly, the number of archive formats has grown significantly. We regularly handle .gz, .bz2, .xz, .7z and others. Dependencies have also grown significantly. For example, each of the major four forks of MySQL Server (Oracle, MariaDB, Percona, Drizzle) have four or more dependencies (and with little overlap between forks). So, you'll require a smattering of cmake, boost, m4, bison, ncurses, readline, gperf, protobuf and uuid. Ridiculously, boost requires python. Meanwhile, protobuf is mildly allergic to stable releases. In another example, Apache Web Server, nginx and Drizzle all require pcre [the Perl Compatible Regular Expression library].

Dishonorable mention goes to projects which break standard naming conventions such as:-

Python-2.7.10.tar.gz
iozone3_434.tar
node-v4.4.4.tar.gz

or support for a varying subset of:-

./configure --prefix /path/to/install
./configure --prefix=/path/to/install

and that assumes that configure is in a standard location, unlike python (again), iozone (again), boost, nginx (varies with version) or perl. Most boggling is the llvm back-end and cfe front-end of clang which use incompatible build systems with the exception that both deny compilation from the source directory tree. WTF?

Most alarming is that openssl-1.0.2h (current version at time of writing) doesn't compile with the DES cipher or the MD5 hash algorithm. MD5 has been publicly known to be insecure for almost nine years and DES is just as bad. Admittedly, openssl has to provide interoperability with previous versions and popular forks which may be in open-source and closed-source products with five year support or more. However, it is dangerous and worse than useless to have the most popular implementation if it is not secure by default. Unfortunately, plans to accelerate deprecation of insecure ciphers and hashes may push developers to distribute an outdated version within their own projects or encourage forks with common flaws.

On the upside, on a Raspberry Pi, I've reduced Perl execution time by 22% and MySQL stored procedure execution time by 45% while maintaining numerical accuracy and reducing compilation time and memory.

Unfortunately, I've been wading through this quagmire because my venture requires repeatable source code compilation with the added complication of providing low-bandwidth, secure updates and supporting low-memory RISC servers. This had led to the following development which is presented in a simplified form. For deployment, this build system is intended to run in one of numerous split-privilege accounts. For development and testing, build/Makefile assumes the following directory structure:-

• $HOME/build - Default directory for installation.
• $HOME/build/bin - Wrapper scripts for C compilers and suchlike to allow self-hosted compilation in 512MB RAM or less.
• $HOME/build/repo - Read-only repository of .tar.gz files, .diff files and additional tests. Examples given. Full contents to be determined and sourced by you.
• $HOME/build/work - Working directory where archives are decompressed, patched and compiled.
• $HOME/build/conf - Post-installation configuration for Apache Web Server and MySQL Server. (Under development and not released.)
• $HOME/build/stat - Installation status of dependencies.
• $HOME/build/foo - Example target directory for installation.

In addition to this, $HOME/build/hash.table is pre-configured with SHA1 checksums of the Makefile and known projects. If you are certain that you have reputable omission from this list, such as a legitimately modified Makefile, add it in the following manner:-

shell> cd $HOME/build
shell> shasum Makefile >> hash.table
shell> shasum repo/project-1.2.3.tar.bz2 >> hash.table

In general, something like make apache, make nginx or make perl should validate, decompress, patch, configure, compile, test and install the required project and dependencies or inform you of one or more significant omissions from the repository.

This archive has SHA1 of 1fea7e2cd6222fe73f3962a4a1c1c68b77d612a0:-

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end

It was a bigger mess than I thought. Yesterday's Tomorrows looked fine on an e-reader on the computer, but when I bought that tablet I discovered it was really messed up in MobiSystems' Universal Book Reader (UB Reader). Not only was the table of contents hosed, but there were no indents on paragraph beginnings, and it was an ugly sans serif font rather than the Gentium Book Basic in the printed volumes and HTML (at least on a computer with that font installed, if not it falls back to Times New Roman).

It was, of course, from my own ignorance, both of e-books in general and Calibre in particular. I never had any interest in e-books, because you paid for something you didn't own. If I buy a book I can give it away or sell it, it's a physical thing. Not so with e-books, and the e-books usually cost as much as the paperback.

But since I was giving books away I needed to learn about them. I wish I'd bought a tablet a long time ago. At any rate, I finally got all of them straightened out. At least, I think I have, except I can'tseem to get the cover to show in the Kindle version of Mars, Ho!, and I'm still checking out the epubs in the Nook app.

There's still a few minor annoyances in Yesterday's Tomorrows. Images that are supposed to fill the page don't on a tablet. I experimented with changing the page size to 12x20 in Open Office and scaling the images, but it came out the same. Maybe I need to raise the resolution?

Reading the HTML on a phone gives no serifs. It appears that Android devices are almost devoid of fonts, from what I've googled about it. Time Magazine seems to somehow have a Times font. I'll get it eventually.

Meanwhile, I documented the steps needed with Calibre. I'll need it, since I likely won't be using that program until next year when I finish Voyage to Earth and Other Stories.

Spoilers ahead!

I couldn't resist so I skipped through a camrip. (I'm sure the Correct the Record AC will come out of the woodwork and flame me for missing the brilliance of this film because I was skipping scenes.)

If this were any other bad movie (say for example Terminator: Genisys), I would have been happy just deleting the torrent and moving on. I'm putting this here so I can lay out exactly why I'm a big womyn-hating racist misogynerd that “can't get laid” who had the audacity to dislike this film and link it when the topic comes up instead of writing a mini-review every time. Also note this is a review, not a plot analysis.

The ending is a real WTF clusterfuck. The whole film tries too hard. It's not bad…. It had poor pacing—they spend too much time in academia—and a weak final boss that's a drawn-out, pointless CGI sequence that I'm sure will thrill kindergartners. There was also this weird frenemy thing going on between Gilbert and Yates.

Here's one concrete contrast between this film and the original. In the original, we have 3 chums who get unceremoniously evicted from academia in the first, what?, 15 minutes of the film, and they take it in stride.

In this film, we have a serious professor (Gilbert) who's about to become tenured (and close to discovering a Grand Unified Theory) whose career is in question because some book she wrote with the other protagonist (Yates) many moons ago goes viral on the internet, which is a gaping plot hole in unto itself. It just goes viral, for reasons. Then a Youtube video published presumably by Yates or maybe Holtzmann ends Gilbert's academic career. And we spend at least half the film moping about this. GET ON WITH IT!

There is one scene in particular where Gilbert petulantly stomps off campus that demonstrates this contast perfectly. I felt that scene did a lot of damage to her character.

It was trying, really trying to establish that all men hate women Ghostbusters. And that's its major problem. It's not four women taking on a supernatural evil using science!. The bad guy isn't even supernatural. He's just some dweeb with inadequacy issues that can summon ghosts with… a machine.

So let's talk about Kevin, played by Thor, who is played by incredible hunk Chris Hemsworth. First of all, there needed to be some scenes where he doesn't have a shirt on! But wait… that's not who Janine was at all. Kevin is a complete space case. He attempts to design a logo for the Ghostbusters and completely fails. He fails at being a receptionist—as in he doesn't even realize he's supposed to answer the phone. Then he disappears. Then he reappears during the exciting conclusion going “I wanna be a Ghostbuster!” only to be possessed by the aforementioned dweeb. Then we explore aforementioned dweeb's inadequacy issues with some inane comment about how much he likes that body better. Gah! See why we needed some scenes with him shirtless? There is no reason for this character to even exist!

So, why do we even have a sex object (and a delicious one at that) when the closest the original film gets to having eye candy like that is Zuul/Dana. (I forget, do I put the name of the possessing entity first with these things?) Of course, in that case, Zuul, being the Gatekeeper (along with Vinz Clortho the Keymaster), is a literal sex object. Literally! How was the original a kids movie?! They bring Gozer to New York by fucking!

Paul Feig suffers from a serious case of white knight-itis and needs to show how sympathetic he is that hunnies face such adversity from evil misogynerds who can't get laid (unlike him who I'm sure is such a Big Man)… and to be completely fucking honest, Gilbert, Yates, Holtzmann, and Tolan don't fucking need a white knight. There were so, so many scenes that were forced solely to show how disrespectful ALL men are to women. You can tell that the actresses didn't enjoy those scenes. The scenes where the Ghostbusters shine are absolutely brilliant and demonstrate that yes, women can be funny; yes, women can do slapstick; and yes, women can be Ghostbusters even if they have a shit sandwich of a script and characters that are written to be wilting flowers.

It lacks gravitas not because of Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, or Leslie Jones; it lacks gravitas in spite of them. It almost feels like this is a new genre of film: (wo)man vs. writer. These actresses aren't held back by some vast misogynerd conspiracy on the internet. They're held back by a writer/director who felt the need to create four hunnies who are sooo victimized and sooo disadvantaged by being women. When he's not forcing yet another stupid scene about how unfair the world is to these women and how victimized they are and how it's not fair! (insert teenage Jennifer Connelly), Feig is throwing in gaudy, tacky references to the first film that are just distractions. Why is the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man here? What's the fucking point of the slimers? Yes, I suppose if you're a braindead idiot Ghostbusters is nothing more than Slimer and Stay Puft.

It's simply disrespectful to put this film in the same category as Mad Max: Fury Road. As a whole, Ghostbusters simply has. no. class.

I'm sure there's a detail here and there I missed, maybe a mention of Tobin's Spirit Guide and the Spates Catalog. After all, those were just mentions in the original film too. I also don't know how much input the actresses had with the writing.

There's obviously going to be a sequel based on the post-credits scene. It illustrates how superficial this film is. Zuul comes up. Why Zuul? Because braindead idiots will remember the voice in the fridge saying Zuul. Everybody knows that scene. It's the scene you reference when you want to telegraph that you've seen the original film but that you're not an icky nerd. Zuul was the bad guy of the original film, amirite? I mean, this isn't a major problem for me, but why not flat out Gozer if they wanted to be obvious? Why not go for obscure like the rectification of the Vuldronaii or Meketrex Supplicants or a giant sloar? (I'll fess up, I had the help of the Ghostbusters Wikia article on Vinz Clortho to get the spelling right.)

In so many ways, this film should have been maybe 40 minutes tops. I hope that they boot Feig off this franchise. Somebody else needs to give our new Ghostbusters something decent to work with. Here's a protip, Hollywood. You love your trilogies. I love trilogies! You don't make a good trilogy by taking the first 40 minutes of a great movie, stretching it to 116 minutes, and then releasing it as its own film.

It was a pretty good quality camrip. I'll probably rewatch it at some point as a drinking game to make sure I didn't miss scene 24, a smashing scene with some lovely acting that will completely change my generally negative opinion of this film. I'm not sure I could watch this film in its entirety while sober. There are just too many… cringeworthy… moments.

Before pictures of cats were popular on the Internet, we had text cows:-

$ fortune | cowsay
 ----------------------------------
| What's the major use of cowhide? |
|                                  |
| Holding cows together.           |
 ----------------------------------
     \
      \   ^__^
       \  (oo)\_______
          (__)\       )\/\
              ||----w |
              ||     ||

And now the popular cowsay utility has been cow-patched to handle multi-line input correctly, especially if it contains UTF-8. Here's the archive with a SHA1 of d3cc231704eb8575941478be3ebbc19fb6b0f5c4:-

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`
end

And here are some example uses:-

$ cowsay -f frog Hey, man. This lillipad is `df | perl -e 'while(defined($line=<STDIN>)){@field=split(/[ \t\n\r]+/,$line);if((index($ENV{'PWD'},$field[5])==0)&&(length($mount)<length($field[5]))){$mount=$field[5];$avail=$field[4]}}print $avail,"\n"'` full. Ribbit.
 ----------------------------------------------
| Hey, man. This lillipad is 99% full. Ribbit. |
 ----------------------------------------------
     \
      \
          oO)-.                       .-(Oo
         /__  _\                     /_  __\
         \  \(  |     ()~()         |  )/  /
          \__|\ |    (-___-)        | /|__/
          '  '--'    ==`-'==        '--'  '

If you're particularly inclined, you can chain/nest instances of cowsay:-

$ ls -l / | cowsay | cowsay | cowthink
 ----------------------------------------------------------------
(  ------------------------------------------------------------  )
( |  --------------------------------------------------------  | )
( | | total 84                                               | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x   2 root root  4096 May 10 23:11 bin        | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x   3 root root 16384 Jan  1  1970 boot       | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x  12 root root  3240 May 28 11:17 dev        | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x 111 root root  4096 May 28 23:31 etc        | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x   3 root root  4096 May 10 22:57 home       | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x  19 root root  4096 May 10 23:12 lib        | | )
( | | drwx------   2 root root 16384 May 10 23:38 lost+found | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x   2 root root  4096 May 10 22:52 media      | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x   2 root root  4096 May 10 22:52 mnt        | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x   7 root root  4096 May 10 23:30 opt        | | )
( | | dr-xr-xr-x 104 root root     0 Jan  1  1970 proc       | | )
( | | drwx------   5 root root  4096 Jun  1 09:04 root       | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x  12 root root   320 May 28 11:17 run        | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x   2 root root  4096 Jun  1 05:17 sbin       | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x   2 root root  4096 May 10 22:52 srv        | | )
( | | dr-xr-xr-x  12 root root     0 May 28 11:17 sys        | | )
( | | drwxrwxrwt  17 root root  4096 Jun  1 09:53 tmp        | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x  11 root root  4096 May 10 23:27 usr        | | )
( | | drwxr-xr-x  11 root root  4096 May 28 23:27 var        | | )
( |  --------------------------------------------------------  | )
( |      \                                                     | )
( |       \   ^__^                                             | )
( |        \  (oo)\_______                                     | )
( |           (__)\       )\/\                                 | )
( |               ||----w |                                    | )
( |               ||     ||                                    | )
(  ------------------------------------------------------------  )
(      \                                                         )
(       \   ^__^                                                 )
(        \  (oo)\_______                                         )
(           (__)\       )\/\                                     )
(               ||----w |                                        )
(               ||     ||                                        )
 ----------------------------------------------------------------
     o
      o   ^__^
       o  (oo)\_______
          (__)\       )\/\
              ||----w |
              ||     ||