SoylentNews

This is a book review for the book "Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino

http://www.amazon.ca/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

I don't really know the proper format and style for a book review, and I frankly don't care, so this might be in an unconventional style.

This is a book all about open relationships. The history, the different kinds, as well as some related topics - jealousy, setting rules and boundaries, dealing with problems, raising children, and a few others. For those that have been following my other journal entries, you will know that my wife and I are opening up our marriage. This book is often highly recommended to couples (or individuals) who want to explore open relationships.

The author sent out a questionnaire to collect data from people in nonmonogamous relationships, and the book incorporates the results of that questionnaire through stats and case studies that are sprinkled throughout the book. The book overs many different types of nonmonogamy - partnered nonmonogamy, swinging, ployamory, solo polyamory, polyfidelity, and also when one member is monogamous while the other is not. Each of these gets it's own chapter where the book explains each in detail.

From there, the book provides information and examples on how one might negotiate an open relationship, and deal with things while in one.

I read this book earlier this week, and really found it really helpful. I come from a large and pretty close family that is quite conservative, and so for me, nonmongamy is pretty foreign. This book really helped me wrap my head around everything, while providing examples of relationships that were working while being open.

This book definitely has a favourable bias towards open relationships, there were many case studies of relationships that were working, but very few (if any) of relationships that fell apart. This may have been intentional by the writer, or it may have been a result of the self selected respondents of the survey (people that it didn't work for might not have responded).

I find that this book helped me 'normalize' the concept of open relationships. My wife is currently reading it as well and is about 1/3 of the way through. She has enjoyed it this far, and has also said that it has really helped.

I agree with the many other people that have recommended this book. This is a must read for people interested or currently in open relationships.

-- Snow

So, if you haven't read my first journal entry, I would suggest you read that before reading this:

http://soylentnews.org/~Snow/journal/800

When I wrote that journal entry, I was really in a low place. My job sucked, my sex life was lacking, I had lost my self identity, and I was just generally confused with my life. It has been just under a month from that last entry. I wasn't entirely surprised by the response from that Journal. Many people identified with my struggles. I think that these problems are rather common, it's just that it's so personal, that no one really likes to talk about it.

Unfortunately, my job still sucks. I still feel undervalued, and not appreaciated. Right now, that is okay. It was really shitty though when I didn't really have anything working in my life. It's nice to have SOMETHING that is going right, be it your job, your relationships, or something else. Just something that makes you feel good.

In my previous entry, I revealed diffrent parts of my life. One was my frustration with my sex life. At around the same time as I wrote the journal entry, I had a chat with my wife and we decided to cut back her hours. We could easily make do with the cut to our income, and she would come home exhausted and just wanted to be alone. She is now working 4 days per week, and I could immediately see a difference. She was happier, I come home to a nice cooked dinner on Mondays, and I'm getting a lot more sex. Since having her hours cut back, I've been getting laid 3-4 times per week (except for period time, which is right now). She gets aroused more easily, and we have all around better sex. We bought some sex toys, and have been lightly eperimenting with new things.

It has been 4-5 months since we started discussing opening up our marriage. It's been an interesting experience. We spoke at length last night, and believe it or not, at this point we are both in agreement that so far, this has been a positive thing for our relationship. Let me explain... We have been together for a long time. Like any couple that has been together for a while, there are good times and bad times. There were times where we were teetering on the edge of breakup, but never quite pulled the trigger. Time would go on and things would change and get better. I didn't even realize it, but I really took her for granted.

Since having conversations about opening up, I have been treating her much better. I don't know if it's because of guilt or appreciation of her acceptance of my situation, or something else, but I find myself wanting to do little things for her. She says that she notices a change for the better though, so that is good.

I was pretty depressed last journal entry because I wasn't having much luck with the dating website I was on, and it was just the cherry on top of everything else. Im happy to report that I had my first date in 12-13 years last night. I was really nervous - my hands were really clammy while I was waiting for her to arrive -- but it went really well. I had a lot of fun, and it was exciting to get to know someone new like that.

After the Date, my wife and I chatted for a couple hours about the date, life, and conventional monogamy. She says that in her heart, she is okay with the nonmonogmay, but her brain she is battling the ideas that we have all had impressed on us for our entire lives. Marriage is one man and one woman. They love each other unconditionally. Always. Everything is always perfect... blah, blah, blah. We couldn't think of one marriage that we know that was actually happy. We both refuse to raise kids in a broken household, so maybe there are other ways than the normal conventional style.

This whole experiance has been really weird. We are just taking things one day at a time, and going from there. Again, it's good to get my thoughts and feelings out, and who knows, there might be people that read that that can identify or benefit from my experience.

I'll try to keep posting every once and a while for those that wish to follow.

This last week has been really good :). Please feel free to comment below, and provide your advice or comments. If you have questions, I'll try to answer them.

-- Snow

In every person's life, they have good times and not-so-good times. It's easy to take the good times for granted. When times are good, there is no reason to think why - it just is. Eventually, the pendilum will swing back in the other direction and that, my friends, is where I am today.

It's been a tough couple months for me. I'm 31, recently married, no kids. My wife and I lived together for over 10 years before getting married. Needless to say, we met rather young. She is an amazing woman -- beautiful, smart, and caring. She is the only woman I could imagine living my life with. As I mentioned, we met rather young, and because of that, I never had a chance to fool around with other women. I thought that I could live with that, but over the last 6 months or so (and talk of having a baby), the reality has hit home, and I don't think I want to life my entire life only being with 3 women. So what do you do? I have a wife that I love very much and want to spend my life with, but a burning need to experience the world.

***

I have a good job that allows me to live comfortably, but it is killing me. Most days I only do one or two hours of work, which sounds great until you actually have to live it for a couple months. It's really boring and unfufilling. I am by far the most technical and experienced person on the team, yet another person runs the team (It's complicated...). I don't get invited to meetings and because of that, mistakes get made and then I have to clean up the mess. I get no appreciation at all even though I pull rabbits out of my ass all the time - for what? It's just super stable... I can't imagine getting laid off or fired. That being said, my mood is getting the best of me and I've been really pissy and irritable lately. If it get's much worse, I might get fired.

***

How many of you are married? Women and men don't need sex in the same way. For a man, sex is very, very important. If I don't get sex, I get really depressed. It get's really old when I have to initate sex all the time. I get rejected often because she's 'too tired' or 'not in the mood'. It's humiliating and painful to be rejected so much, like a knife to the heart. It hardly seems worth even trying. I get 'intimate' with my computer more than my wife. I would guess I get sex about 5 times a month.

Last Tuesday, we had talked about sex in the evening, and then she took a bath (which usually means I'm getting lucky). When she crawled into bed, she says 'I'm so tired..." AKA 'No sex for you'. Ouch. Well another date with the computer then... The following day, I sent her a very well written article that explains how men need sex just like women need to talk. She understood the article and plans to do better. Last night she actually initated sex, it was amazing. I hope to get more of this...

***

I really do have an amazing wife, and we have a strong relationship. Over the summer I told her that I don't know if I can live my life without having sex with other women. I only get one life, and sex is so important to me. I'm not looking to screw anything with legs, but I'd like to bring my number from 3 to something like 10. I dropped this on her 3-4 months after we got married (Remember we have been living together for over 10 years, so it feels like we have been married for a long time...). I felt like a complete asshole, but I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. One one side I would never want to hurt my wife -- but on the other, I only get one chance at life, so I want to get everything out of it.

We talked about this a few more times over the next few months, and she agrees to allow me to date other women on the side. It felt like I had escaped from a trap. I try Tinder, and then gave up on that and opened an account on another dating website. I very stongly believe in honesty, so I put in my profile that I am married. I don't want to decieve anyone.

It's been a couple weeks now, and no good nibbles. I think I'm pretty good looking for a nerd (I'm thin, but tall) and I'm reasonably socialable. The lack of interest has really gotten be down even more though.

***

So, that's my life. Sometimes it helps just writing things down, so I hope this helps. I have a job that is unfufilling, an unfulfilling sex life (although my wife says she'll try now - which in itself is pretty sad), and constant rejection on dating sites. It's getting pretty tough to deal with. I hope things get better soon.

-- Snow

It has been a little while now that this fledgling community has been around - and it remains one of my favorite stories about communities. A splinter of a much larger community took it upon themselves to challenge the rest and make a move to a new home. Shedding the shackles that were being placed on them was a bold move, but one that has been fantastic.

The community here is great - but here is my question. Overall, we are amazingly tolerant of others, of the choices they make and of their beliefs. I would then be curious, if we are such a tolerant group, how do we address intolerance in our ranks? I recently came across what I can only say filled me with pity and sadness. I find it saddening that in this day and age - and especially in this group - there are still such hate filled people.

But this poses a question - how does a group that is tolerant deal with intolerance within it's ranks? Does our acceptance of others extend to accepting someone that has thoughts and beliefs which are far from the norm within this community, or is there a limit placed on how far from our own values a member of the community may be?