SoylentNews

I'm still kicking it.

Lots of change. My wife, L, and I all bought a house together and moved in about 2 months ago. Pretty sweet place. 5 bedroom bungalow. SOOOO much space compared to my old house. There is a little bit of growing pains with all living together, but nothing too dramatic.

I've been working in cyber security for the last 1.8 years, which is why I'm not here often. I used to have tons of time at work to slack off and troll here, but now my days are full with work, and my evenings are full with 2 kids and 2 partners. I feel overwhelmed frequently with everything that needs to be done (house, family, work), but we are all hanging in. We are slowly unpacking boxes. The garage is full of full and half-full boxes with snaking pathways in between. I was so happy the other day because there were TWO paths to get to one part of the garage! Things are slowly getting emptier in there.

Fall is here and the leaves are turning yellow. I love fall. I bought a hot tub and have been enjoying that pretty much every night. The kids are growing up. My son is walking and just said his first words this week. Dada was the first word! Followed an hour later my mama. He's clearly gifted... The family is sick with a cold that my daughter picked up on day one of preschool . 2 negative covid tests, but the entire house has a stuffy/runny nose.

Anyways, I'm still alive and doing relatively well. Hope everyone here is also doing well.

-- Snow

Wow, hard to believe it's almost been 6 months since the last update!

Just after the last update, L decided to list her house. She lived about 30 minutes away from me (without any traffic) and all her friends and doctors and pretty much everything else was on the other side of the city, so she decided to move. I helped as much as I could getting her house ready for sale, and when it was finally listed, it sold the first day. That was pretty exciting. Shortly after that, the COVID starting ramping up, but luckily, the sale closed and she ended up selling her house for a good price with amazing timing!

She ended up looking for a rental nearish to me. We all (L, Wife, Daughter, and I) looked at a couple of places together, and she ended up choosing a place about 3 blocks from me. It's a pretty nice rental with lots of windows that is beside a couple parks/field, so it feels really open. She moved in to the new place near the end of April. It was/is really nice having her so close to us. Because of the Covid, everything was locked down. Having her so close effectively meant that we could live out of two houses. This change of scenery was great while everyone else was locked in their house.

When L physically moved closer, we all grew closer too. We starting having dinner as a big family every day. We all like to cook, so every meal was a feast. With three people working together, everyone can put together a dish and then without too much effort, we have an amazing dinner. I'd typically clean up while one of them looked after my daughter, and the other might get a chance to sit down.

L and my wife would spend a lot of time together, and L was great at looking after my wife in her pregnancy. She would rub oils and stuff on the sore muscles and do baby shaking to try get the baby in the right position. We all wanted to have L there at the birth, but at the time, the rules for the hospital were such that only one person was able to be in the delivery room. This was kind of a bummer, but luckily about 2 weeks before delivery, the rules changed and two people were allowed!

As the pregnancy went on, my wife had an appointment to go to the hospital to do some poking and prodding to try get the baby out. L went with her to the hospital, while I stayed home with the daughter. We didn't know it at the time, but they wouldn't be leaving the hospital until the baby came out. When they told me that they weren't letting my wife leave the hospital, I sent my daughter off to Grandma's place, and I went into the hospital and joined them. 20ish hours later, and I have a new son!

That was about 3 weeks ago. We are all adjusting to the new baby. L is amazing with the baby. Always holding and soothing him. Me... not so much. I'm not a baby fan... I'll hold him if needed, but I'd rather do the dishes, or clean the house, or look after my daughter so my wife can focus on the baby. With the addition of the baby, we are all trying to find the new normal. I'm unable to go for as many sleepovers at L's house, but this week we all had a sleepover at L's house, which was nice.

We also don't fit in any of our vehicles... I'm going to have to buy a minivan I think... It's a sad thought. I'm hoping to sell my wife's car, and get a minivan before we all go on vacation. We have a booking for an AirB&B for a week at a nearby lake in August. I'm looking forward to that. It will be nice to have everyone under one roof for a week.

With the new Baby, and L spending so much time with us, it feels like our house is too small. I really like my house (especially where it is located), so it's kind of a sad thought. We have had many discussions about potentially all moving in together, but we are still a ways away from that. We'll see how a week together on vacation goes first...

So yea, I've been busy. Working on getting a house ready for sale and moving, a new baby and the nesting that goes with that, a new job that I have so much to learn for, a wife, a daughter, and a girlfriend. I have almost no free time, and frequently feel overwhelmed, but I feel like I have a full and fulfilling life at the moment.

And yes, sometimes we have challenges or disagreements, but we are all trying. Everyone is looking out for each other, and there have been many times where I think to myself: This might actually be possible.

We live in interesting times.

Trump screwed the pooch here. He gutted the CDC. Rejected covid tests - leaving the USA blind to the actual number of infections. Stopped travel from Europe in a panicky last-ditch effort to look like he was doing something.

The markets were not impressed. The one thing that he had going for him -- the bull market -- has ended. Day after day of pain.

We all knew he would fuck up and cause a recession. Well, here we go. I realize he is not the only factor that caused this, but he sure as shit didn't help.

Share your best toilet paper based recipes below.

Just a quick update:

Things are still going really well. L and I are good. My wife and I are good. Daughter is good. Baby (who we now know is a boy) is good and seems healthy.

The last update was from just before Christmas. Christmas was great. It was nice having L around for Christmas. She stayed over on Christmas Eve and I went to sleep with her in the basement, then set an alarm for 1/2 way through the night and went up to sleep with my wife for the rest of the night.

We all woke up on Christmas morning and made coffee and opened presents. L ended up staying the entire day and slept over again on Christmas eve. That night, I went to sleep with my wife for the first part of the night, then joined her for the second part of the night. When My wife and I were going to bed, we got a little frisky and L heard that downstairs. That didn't feel all that good for her and resulted in quite a bit of talking through it. We were eventually able to work our way through it.

L is rapidly becoming part of my family. She is over for dinner several times per week, helping with the preparation, cleanup and bed-time routines. We do things together, like walks or shopping. She was at my daughter's birthday party last weekend and met my mom, brother and sister.

My wife and L are also getting closer and more comfortable with each other. My wife is a hairstylist and will be cutting L's hair next weekend (a pretty big step!!), and frequently after we get dinners all cleaned up and my daughter to bed we will all crawl into the king-size bed and watch TV. (Obviously, that is pretty amazing for me :D. I get cuddles from both sides. It can be uncomfortably hot, but it's a small price to pay to be practically drowning in love.

L is very thoughtful and caring of my wife. The other day my wife mentioned that she was worried about headaches because there was going to be a big weather change. L went out and bought a peppermint head roller thing because she thought it might help. Lots of little gestures like that make me feel good about the whole situation. L really enjoys being around my house and being part of the family atmosphere and my wife has told me several times how she likes having L around the house too.

I got a promotion at work very recently. I'll be joining the Security team doing cyber security work. I'm really exited about the opportunity. It's an amazing opportunity for me in a high growth area. I'm excited to be doing something new, and especially excited to be working in something that I find personally interesting. All 4 of us (Me, Wife, L and Daughter) went out last weekend for dinner to celebrate.

This turned out longer than I was expecting, but I guess a lot has happened in the last month. Things in my life are going amazingly well. I'm very happy at the moment and feel like I'm one of the luckiest people alive!

Things are going well in the Snow household.

My wife and I went for our first ultrasound for our new baby last week. SURPRISE! The baby is further along than expected. Should be due beginning of June. Apparently the first ultrasound is done to look for Down's syndrome, but our baby is too big to do that test, so we have to wait until the 19 week ultrasound. I'm not too worried about that. I think we are pretty low risk, so we'll just wait an see.

It was pretty cool seeing the baby. It feels more real once you get to see the baby and see it move. We brought our daughter and and sat on my lap and watched the ultrasound. (At least for the first 5 minutes until she got bored).

L and I have been doing well too. We have been spending a lot of time together. We both had some vacation time remaining, so we used some of that last week. We spent much of the week baking and preparing cookie boxes that we gave out for Christmas. We both really enjoy baking, and we both had a great time baking cookies together. My wife made two different types of roasted nuts and nuts & bolts which perfectly rounded out the cookie tin. It was really awesome creating this great gift that we all worked together for.

Things between L and my wife have been progressing well. Every Monday, L comes over to our house. Sometimes we make a family dinner, and other times my wife and I will go out for a date night while L takes care of my daughter. L is really amazing. She recognizes that it's important for me and my wife's relationship to be good and strong, and does things like this to help. So, tonight my wife and I are going out to a restaurant for dinner.

When L is around the house, things seem to work so much smoother. It's soo helpful having another adult around the house. Two of us can make dinner while one looks after my daughter, or my wife can relax while we clean up from dinner. Without the help, it feels like we are just treading water, but when L is around, it feels like we can actually make progress on things. L is so great with my daughter. They really like each other.

Last week, my wife and L went for breakfast together. Without me there. That was a first. I didn't get much details, but from the little I heard, it went well.

Christmas is coming, and L will be spending all of Christmas Day at my place with my wife, daughter and I. I made her a stocking that I plan on surprising her with on Christmas morning. I'm really excited for that. I also bought both her and my wife new PJs that they can wear together around the house.

My wife's mom knows about and has met L. I have mentioned L around my family now, and they will meet her in person at my daughter's birthday party in about a month. I'm excited for them to meet her and for her to meet them. (They won't know the details... she will be introduced as a close family friend for now.)

So, things are going amazingly well. We still have tough conversations pretty frequently, but they go well and feel rewarding. Everyone is trying to make this work.

Oh, and one more thing. We went to a community event thing and they had a free photo session. They had a couch setup outside and decorations around it. We all (me, wife, L, and daughter) got on the couch and got an amazing group photo! It would make a great Christmas card. That was very special to me. I really cherish that photo.

Anyways, Merry Christmas to all you Soylentils! I hope you all spend some time with those you that you love and eat some great food!

-- Snow

It's been a little over a month since my last update. Things are still moving forward. L and I are getting pretty serious.

A couple weeks ago, my wife, L and I all went out to have a joint meeting on what we are doing and the future. I did up an agenda with some talking points and made sure everyone had a chance to look at it before the meeting. L and I are getting to a point where we each want to be bigger parts in each other's lives. That being said, I have important responsibilities at home with my daughter, and my wife is pregnant again.

We all sat down in a restaurant I had chosen because they have booths with round tables. We talked for a couple hours. It looks like maybe this might actually work out. We started out just checking in on each person and how they are feeling about everything before moving on to how we can move this beyond a 'two nights a week' type thing.

While the specifics were still a little vague, everyone is onboard with moving this forward. L will be spending more time with the family. Maybe on some of L and my sleepover nights we will take my daughter so my wife has a break and a night alone.

Since that meeting, L has been spending more time at the house. She has come for dinner a couple more times. Last Saturday she came over while my wife was at work and we made lasagne that we all sat down together to eat after my wife got off work. A couple days later my wife invited her over for lettuce wraps. I'm sleeping over at her house this weekend and then we'll go to remembrance day ceremonies together then head back to my house and we'll all make a breakfast together.

So, things are moving along. It hasn't been easy though. The round-table meeting was a difficult meeting for everyone. While the actual meeting went very well, everyone was anxious in the days leading up to it. My wife is sometimes having bad feelings. We talk regularly about that. She tells me that while she sometimes has bad feelings, that nothing bad has actually happened. She tells me that I am a better person. And while sometimes it's difficult for her, she doesn't want me to end things.

As for L, she wants to know that there is room to grow the relationship. I think that she actually wants to become part of the family. She doesn't want to be on the side. There have been lots of discussion around what that looks like and how we should proceed. It's important for L to have a valid say on how that should happen. This isn't just between me and my wife, this is between the three of us. Everyone needs a say.

For me, managing two relationships is frequently exhausting. I have very little free time these days. When I am at home, I work hard to keep the house in order so that when I am away, my wife doesn't have to worry about working around the house. There is also a lot of emotional energy that goes into the frequent difficult talks that have come up over the last few weeks. It it difficult being the middle man and relaying thoughts and feelings between L and my wife. I'm not a very good relayer of information. I am good at "Feeling" the conversion and the emotion that goes into it, but when it comes to remembering the actual words that were said, I'm not very good. This makes relaying information between L and my wife difficult. This is one reason that it's so important to have open communication between L and my wife.

In this moment, I feel very loved. I feel loved by my wife. I feel loved by L. I feel loved by my daughter. It's an amazing feeling. I feel so lucky and fortunate.

Also, I quit vaping several weeks ago which has been difficult at times. It's been three weeks now without vaping. Nicotine free now! The first time in like 20 years! The cravings are not so bad any more. The worst is when I am sitting at the computer or when I have had a couple drinks. I don't have a lot of time to sit at the computer anymore, so it's manageable. The cravings are definitely getting easier with time.

So that's the update with me. When I started this series many years ago, I had no idea where it would go. I didn't really imagine a "real" relationship like this. I imagined more casual "on the side" things. Will there be a point in time when we both sell our houses and buy a bigger one that we can all live in? Will there be a time where L and I try to have a child together? I never really thought that would be a consideration, but as time passes, those things seem less crazy and more of a possibility. We'll see where we go from here.

In my last entry, there was a very common theme among the commenters. Many of you were concerned for my wife. Reading those comments was hard. I didn't detect these things that everyone was talking about, but I'm not a perfect person.

Shortly after that entry, my wife and I had a scheduled date night. We went to our local pub for taco night. I again asked her how she is doing. After she answered, I asked her what she gets out of it and why she lets me date. She tells me she is going good, and that she lets me date because she sees how happy I am. She says I'm a better person.

Over the last few weeks, it seems to me that my wife is more seriously considering doing her own dating. She has shared some fantasies with me that involve other people. Maybe she will start dating sometime soon.

She also told her mom that we are open and that I am seeing someone. Her mom was obviously concerned as it appears one-sided. I wasn't there for the conversion, but my wife says that she said she is doing well and that the communication (between my wife and I) is very open and good.

I think that some people at work are picking up on the relationship. We spend lunches together every day and I'm sure that there is a familiarity between the two of us that people can pick up on. I have not been confronted or anything, but I need to figure out what my plan is when it inevitably happens. Should I deny it? Tell them it's none of their business? Tell the truth? I'm tempted to use a cryptic answer like "Whatever you think is going on between us is almost certainly incorrect" or just "I'm not cheating on my wife".

I'm not sure how much longer I can stay in the closet with my parents either. I want L to be part of my Christmas. Maybe not have her over to my parent's house, but definitely have her over to my house. Maybe with one of my parents there.

This whole open marriage thing breaks people's brain. You see it here in the comments too. The vast majority of people do not have a mental framework for it. A normal relationship - everyone gets that. One partner cheating on the other - people get that too. A mistress that the wife begrudgingly allows - okay... but that poor woman. But my situation, where everyone knew upfront. Where my wife and girlfriend have met multiple times? Where everyone knows about everyone else and consents? That does not compute. Surely someone is being cheated.

Anyways, since the last update, we've had another group dinner. L and I made a BBQ dinner for my wife one day while she was at work. It was a lovely warm evening and we sat outside together eating our dinner. It was much less awkward than the first dinner meeting or the parade. After dinner, I cleaned up with my wife while L read stories with my daughter. It was really cool to work together as a greater team.

I mentioned that we are looking for a new bed for my daughter. L found us a used one online and her and I are going to pick it up this week. Later this month, we are all going to a hockey game together. L has offered to watch our daughter sometimes to allow my wife and I to spend more quality time alone.

This is different than my past relationships. The past ones were "on the side". There was little to no interaction between my wife and the women I was dating. This is much, much more inclusive.

So that's the latest update...

Last weekend I went to the Calgary Pride parade with L, my wife, and my daughter.

My wife, daughter and I took a bus downtown and found a spot to watch the parade. L didn't want to have to walk up to my family alone, so once my wife and daughter were settled in our spot, I went to go find L and bring her back. So there we were - the 4 of us together waiting for the parade to start.

I had previously asked my wife about showing affection to L in front of her. What level of affection was she comfortable with? My wife didn't really give a clear answer... She said that it was difficult seeing us be affectionate, but she also knows if we are holding back, and she doesn't want that either.

For me, it was a little weird to have both of them together at the parade with me. I didn't want either of them to feel left out, so I was splitting my attention between the two. There were a few times where I was able to stand with my arms around both of them at the same time. That was really nice. It felt good to be with two women I cared about at the same time.

The parade was fun with lots of swag being handed out. L is less shy than my wife or I and she would jump out and try to make sure that my daughter got candy or flags or stickers or whatever they happened to be handing out. She really likes my daughter and it was really great seeing the three of us all fussing over my daughter and keeping her happy.

When the parade ended, the spectators all followed the parade to a large downtown park where there was a concert, food trucks and vendors. The 4 of us joined the massive crowd and slowly made our way to the park. My wife and L were talking and L mentioned a meditation retreat she did a few years back. My wife loves that stuff, so it was nice to see them find some common ground. I think that they have quite a bit in common, it will just take some time to overcome the initial weirdness.

When we got to the park, it was completely overrun. Not wanting to spend an hour in line for a food truck, we left looking for somewhere to eat. After much indecisiveness (I'm terrible), we found a pub that had just opened that allowed children inside.

My daughter was sleeping in her stroller, so we put the stroller beside the table and the three of us sat down. We ordered some beer and we all shared a plate of tacos, some corn dogs, and some in-house made jalapeno poppers. That night, I was going to spend the night at L's house. When the jalapeno poppers turned out to be very spicy (I have a pretty high tolerance for spice, but these were hot), my wife made a joke about how she was glad that I was spending the night with L so she didn't have to deal with me. It felt good to have both of them team up and make fun of me.

We finished up, L and I kissed goodbye and my wife, daughter, and I took the bus home.

Was it awkward? Yea, a little. Was it scary and weird for my wife and L? I'm sure it was. But overall, it went okay.

When we got home, my wife would tell me that it was hard for her to see L and I be affectionate in front of her. She said that it's an internal battle. One one hand, we are all conditioned our entire life on what a relationship is and what it looks like, so seeing L and I together made her feel jealeous at times. She also tells me that she would be upset if L decided to end things.

This is new territory for all of us. L and I are growing close. All of the previous relationships that I have had have been casual. This is more than that. I'm having problems with scheduling. Sometimes it feels like there isn't enough time in a week to make everyone happy. I want two evenings per week with L. The nights that I am at home, I work my ass off. I tidy and clean and look after my daughter as much as I can. I want the house to be as put together as possible so that when I am away it makes things easier on my wife. I also want to spend quality time with my wife when I am at home, even if that is just watching TV with her. After all that is done, there is very little time left for me. It does sometimes feel that I am spending all my time and energy trying to keep two women happy and frequently falling short...

Anyways, overall, things are going well. I feel like everyone is on board and trying to make things work, which is honestly 90% of the battle.

Last night my wife and I invited "L" over for dinner.

I picked up a store-roasted chicken for dinner on my way home. L met me at my house and arrived before my wife had returned from a playdate with my daughter's friend. I spent a few minutes tidying the house, then my wife arrived home.

All day at work, I was nervous about the meeting between the two of them. Both L and my wife are calm, reasonable people, so I had no fear of a dramatic meeting, but I was nervous nonetheless. On my way home from work, I felt like I was going to puke.

They met, shook hands, and we opened a bottle of wine. We made small talk as we puttered around the kitchen getting things ready for dinner. Things went as well as could be expected.

Dinner was nice. My daughter, who we normally have to fight with over dinner, was a little darling. She ate well and was being super cute. All in all, it was not as awkward as one might expect.

We finished our dessert, and I walked L out to her car. I said my goodbyes, and headed inside. My wife put my daughter to bed and we sat down on the couch to talk.

What followed was a pretty intense conversation. L is very attractive, smart, and level-headed. It was not easy for my wife to meet someone who, on the surface, appears nearly perfect. How do you prove your love to someone?

As our conversation was winding down, I asked my wife how much of our conversation I could share with L. My wife, as she often does, surprised me. She said to me that she would be okay with me sharing everything with her. She feels that it is important for communication to be open between L, my wife, and I. Being inclusive so we can work together.

I then called L, and another intense conversation followed. What does a future look like for L? She wants kids. She doesn't want to play second-fiddle. She doesn't want to be the cause of a breakup. Where does this end?

I don't know. I don't know where this is going. No one does. I have this dream of a utopianesque thing where we buy a duplex and put a interior door between the two halves. Everyone under one roof. 3 parents raising kids together. Is this possible? I have no idea.

My wife is so brave. L is brave. I'm scared. My wife enabling L to be included is a leap of faith. L continuing to see me despite a mountain of reasons not to is a leap of faith. Where will we all land?

4 years ago, we embarked on this journey. The early relationships I had were nothing compared to this. They feel like easy practice quizzes, where this is the final exam. This is a real test.

I know many of you will read this and disapprove and/or judge. I know this is difficult for my wife. I know this is difficult for L. I'm in the middle of a minefield. It's complicated. It feels like chaos right now. Are we all strong enough and committed enough to make it though in one piece?

I sure hope so...

In my last journal entry, I briefly mentioned a new girl that started at my work.

Since my last journal, we have continued to have lunch together nearly every day. Sometimes we'll also go for a walk and chat. On one of those early walks, I told her that I had an open marriage and that I really liked her. I also said that there are MANY reasons not to date me, so I'm not going to be all upset if she says no.

Of course, she did say no. She says she doesn't date coworkers. I honestly felt so relieved. This woman was taking over my mind, and being rejected for such a non-personal reason let me move on.

After that, we continued lunching together. Nothing seemed weird which was nice. I kept getting the feeling that she was flirting with me, but maybe she was being friendly. One day our feet touched and we kept them there. Another day she just stole a sip of my beer without asking. Little things like that.

Last weekend, she invited me and my daughter to spend the afternoon at a man-made lake near her house. I picked her up, and headed to the beach. It was windy as hell. Windy enough to pick up the sand and blow it. We had to retreat to a playground that was somewhat sheltered by trees.

We chatted and would lightly touch. We talked about our life and what we wanted. She wants kids bad. She is 35, so unfortunately for her, there is not much time to make that happen.

I dropped her off and we went into her house so my daughter could go pee. As I was about to leave, we embraced in an intense hug. I kissed her beautiful neck (something I had been wanting to do for months), and then she kissed me on the lips.

I left, but the entire weekend, she was in my head. She is completely taking over my brain. I can't focus on anything else. It's incredibly intense. When I drive I feel like I'm a hazard because I can't focus at all.

We had a brief text exchange on Sunday and I told her that I can't get her out of my head. She said she feels the same way, and that we should talk on Monday (today). I have no idea what we are going to do.

This is a dangerous relationship. The intensity is so extreme that it is literally drowning out everything else. We work together. Like she sits 30 feet away from me. No one at my work knows about my open relationship (except her).

Sometimes in open relationships, a "gamechanger" happens. This could be a pregnancy, or someone moving away, or something like that. I feel like she could be that gamechanger.

I don't know what to do... I don't know if I can stop this. I don't want to. I know that I'm playing with fire explosives here, but connections like this happen so infrequently that I don't want to let it go. Some people go their entire lives without a connection like this.

God help me.

Edit: We had our lunch meeting... We both acknowledged how stupid of an idea this is and how we should not continue anything and that this will almost certainly end in disaster... We have a date lined up for Wednesday.