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Snow (1601)
In every person's life, they have good times and not-so-good times. It's easy to take the good times for granted. When times are good, there is no reason to think why - it just is. Eventually, the pendilum will swing back in the other direction and that, my friends, is where I am today.
It's been a tough couple months for me. I'm 31, recently married, no kids. My wife and I lived together for over 10 years before getting married. Needless to say, we met rather young. She is an amazing woman -- beautiful, smart, and caring. She is the only woman I could imagine living my life with. As I mentioned, we met rather young, and because of that, I never had a chance to fool around with other women. I thought that I could live with that, but over the last 6 months or so (and talk of having a baby), the reality has hit home, and I don't think I want to life my entire life only being with 3 women. So what do you do? I have a wife that I love very much and want to spend my life with, but a burning need to experience the world.
***
I have a good job that allows me to live comfortably, but it is killing me. Most days I only do one or two hours of work, which sounds great until you actually have to live it for a couple months. It's really boring and unfufilling. I am by far the most technical and experienced person on the team, yet another person runs the team (It's complicated...). I don't get invited to meetings and because of that, mistakes get made and then I have to clean up the mess. I get no appreciation at all even though I pull rabbits out of my ass all the time - for what? It's just super stable... I can't imagine getting laid off or fired. That being said, my mood is getting the best of me and I've been really pissy and irritable lately. If it get's much worse, I might get fired.
***
How many of you are married? Women and men don't need sex in the same way. For a man, sex is very, very important. If I don't get sex, I get really depressed. It get's really old when I have to initate sex all the time. I get rejected often because she's 'too tired' or 'not in the mood'. It's humiliating and painful to be rejected so much, like a knife to the heart. It hardly seems worth even trying. I get 'intimate' with my computer more than my wife. I would guess I get sex about 5 times a month.
Last Tuesday, we had talked about sex in the evening, and then she took a bath (which usually means I'm getting lucky). When she crawled into bed, she says 'I'm so tired..." AKA 'No sex for you'. Ouch. Well another date with the computer then... The following day, I sent her a very well written article that explains how men need sex just like women need to talk. She understood the article and plans to do better. Last night she actually initated sex, it was amazing. I hope to get more of this...
***
I really do have an amazing wife, and we have a strong relationship. Over the summer I told her that I don't know if I can live my life without having sex with other women. I only get one life, and sex is so important to me. I'm not looking to screw anything with legs, but I'd like to bring my number from 3 to something like 10. I dropped this on her 3-4 months after we got married (Remember we have been living together for over 10 years, so it feels like we have been married for a long time...). I felt like a complete asshole, but I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. One one side I would never want to hurt my wife -- but on the other, I only get one chance at life, so I want to get everything out of it.
We talked about this a few more times over the next few months, and she agrees to allow me to date other women on the side. It felt like I had escaped from a trap. I try Tinder, and then gave up on that and opened an account on another dating website. I very stongly believe in honesty, so I put in my profile that I am married. I don't want to decieve anyone.
It's been a couple weeks now, and no good nibbles. I think I'm pretty good looking for a nerd (I'm thin, but tall) and I'm reasonably socialable. The lack of interest has really gotten be down even more though.
***
So, that's my life. Sometimes it helps just writing things down, so I hope this helps. I have a job that is unfufilling, an unfulfilling sex life (although my wife says she'll try now - which in itself is pretty sad), and constant rejection on dating sites. It's getting pretty tough to deal with. I hope things get better soon.
-- Snow
(Score: 2) by fliptop on Thursday November 13 2014, @06:46PM
Do you know your wife's love language? A great book that changed my attitude on relationships is The 5 Love Languages [5lovelanguages.com] by Gary Chapman. After reading it I had a much better understanding of what it takes to really love a particular person w/ your whole heart.
And, if you're doubting your will power at fidelity, I recommend 10 Stupid Things Couples do to Mess up Their Relationships [amazon.com] by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It really hammers home the importance of family, fidelity, and commitment. Good luck!
To be oneself, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity
(Score: 2) by Snow on Thursday November 13 2014, @09:09PM
Thanks for the info. I checked out the 5 love languages website, and I'll get my wife to look at it too.
As for fedelity, I'm not doubting my will power. I have permission from my wife, and even so, it will be difficult for me. I think that it's needed though. I feel like I need more sexual experiences in my life. I have committed to be completely open and honest with my wife, and she will always come first. I understand that it's like playing with fire and some things can't be undone, but I feel like I need this...
Dr Laura is a total bitch and a hypocrite. She has been divorced, 'shacked up', and been the 'other woman' that ultimately led to the breakup of that relationship. Thank you for the suggestion, but I really don't think I have anything to learn from her.
(Score: 2) by unitron on Friday November 14 2014, @04:03AM
You do know that you basically just gave Dr. Laura a glowing recommendation as being highly knowledgeable on the subject of how people can screw up relationships?
something something Slashcott something something Beta something something
(Score: 0, Troll) by Ethanol-fueled on Thursday November 13 2014, @09:06PM
Sounds like you are a prime candidate for the Cyberskin Transformer penis-extender. Get the 4-inch model. If that fails, she is either a dyke or into Black dick, and there is nothing you can do other than be a beta cuck whose only sexual involvement with his wife is to sit in the corner and beat off while watching her.
(Score: 2) by Snow on Thursday November 13 2014, @09:12PM
Thanks EF... way to hit a man while he's down.
FYI, I'm 6' tall, and my junk is perportional to my height. It's not that.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday November 14 2014, @08:08PM
Don't have a baby with her unless this works out. Afterward she'll want sex even less, if that can be imagined. The kid will be the new goto reason on why she is tired. You need to work this out with her or find a new way forward, maybe without her.
I re-read what you wrote... we have much in common, but I've not attempted to seek sex outside of my marriage and I have a 3 year old. Met her in high school, and got married shortly there after, some 13 years ago. She is damn lucky I love her so completely. And she gives fantastic head when I can get her to put out.
At least my wife admits she just isn't horny anymore, so she recently went to the doctor to start seeking medical evaluation on her hormone levels. I sure hope things change for the better for both of us.
(Score: 2) by tynin on Saturday November 15 2014, @05:37AM
Yes, telling the truth is great and I wholeheartedly support that position. And not that I know what the fuck I'm talking about, but looking in from the outside of that world... you posting on a dating site that you are married means you have baggage. That doesn't mean that their aren't women who would still proceed with that arrangement, but dude, recognize that means you have baggage and don't be so hard on yourself for not reeling them in.
But be careful the path you walk. It could lead you astray from the one you would love. Are you super cool with her coming home from her own outside affairs. Are you sure? [youtube.com]
After spending so many years with someone, I know sex can need some extra umphf... [youtube.com] but some acts can never be undone, some things fester and slowly destroy a relationship further wasting everyones short time at happiness. But your concerns are obviously very valid, 10 years have slipped by and you aren't getting any younger. We are all in that same mortality boat and have to choose our actions, and do so soon or forever lose the chance. Just remember, happiness is fleeting.
(Score: 2) by tynin on Saturday November 15 2014, @05:44AM
Also, OMG crazy chicks. As a universal life lesson... Never stick your dick in crazy! Equally, good luck telling earnest, willing, and respectful women apart from crazy, going to stalk your tiny ass and burn your house down because you stopped giving them dick, psycho chicks. You sir, are entering a battlefield I'm long glad to be done with. Salute!
(Score: 2) by Snow on Monday November 17 2014, @05:49PM
Thanks for the kind words. I realize what you say about not bring able to undo things. I'm afraid I'm caught in a catch 22. If I don't explore outside my marriage, I'm afraid this issue might come to head again in a few years, but possibly with kids in the mix. Both my wife and I have divorced parents, so we are a little jaded. It seems everyone gets divorced, so the conventional arrangement can't be perfect. I really don't know what to expect when I finally am able to meet someone else, but I am committed to my wife. She is the person that I want to spend my life with.
Anyways, it's a tough and confusing time in my life. Again, thank you for your advice. This isn't exactly a topic that you can share feely with family and friends.
(Score: 2) by cafebabe on Tuesday November 18 2014, @04:45AM
Sometimes, success is dull and unfulfilling but don't sabotage it! Especially not with action that you'll regret immediately. You may not be a Lothario but you're in a better situation than most people. Restrain yourself and sacrifice your wild ways. You had an alternative path in life which will always be a "What if?" scenario and you'd be stupid to follow it now.
Napoleon Hill advised people to strike a bargain with life. Maybe you want to learn how to play the piano but it will take two years? You won't be any younger in two years but at least you'll be a piano player. That's the sacrifice but it is better than being two years older and still not being able to play the piano.
In your case, you've struck a bargain to form one of the most stable family units. You have mismatched libido but don't assume that one person is at fault. Indeed, this puts pressure on one person and makes the situation worse. You should both get medical/psychological causes checked. This will make both of you more attuned to each other in an environment without blame.
1702845791×2
(Score: 2) by Snow on Tuesday November 18 2014, @07:51PM
I really, really appreciate the comment. I get your message of counting your blessings and not rocking the boat. It has been noted.
Talking with my wife about this has been some of the deepest conversations we have had in years -- maybe ever. I'm not really good at talking about my feelings, and this has forced me to be more open. Our communication has always been pretty good, but now it is better. So that has been undeniably good for the relationship.
The can of worms has been opened. Let's say nothing happens outside the marraige. My wife knows that I had these feelings, is she going to be worried in several years that we are going to have to deal with this all over again? What about me? I've had these thoughts for years but never acted on them. Will I make some stupid mistake in a couple years and actually cheat on her behind her back? That would be way worse. I feel that this needs to run its course and my wife feels the same way.
In other news, my wife has cut back her hours. She now only works 4 days a week. Hopefully this will make her feel less tired and stressed out and might change things for the better. So far, it's been great! I got some amazing sex last night (which she initiated!!) and I think I got laid 3-4 times this week. She seems happier too.
I guess we'll take things as it comes... Thank you again for your comments! When I can't talk about this stuff with my family/friends, it makes me feel really alone. Even having strangers comment really helps.
(Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Thursday November 27 2014, @01:04PM
Wow. Don't do it man.
Our society is schizoid and really disdain the value of a long-term relationship. Then we whine and moan about how we're all alone. "Sow your oats" they say, but the harvest is bitter.
Its thanksgiving. Be thankful for what you have.
I bailed out of a relationship like yours once and paid heavily. The grass is not greener, trust me.
(Score: 2) by jimshatt on Tuesday December 02 2014, @12:34AM
You're probably better off investing in quality, rather than quantity. Maybe buy something nice for her (man, I hate that too, buying lingerie and "stuff", but it might help). Trips and vacations work wonders too, sometimes. If you can help out in any way to alleviate her tiredness, that would probably help too. IMHO 5 times a month really isn't that bad (I get less, but I have two kids (= less opportunity)).
There's also the possibility that she just isn't the one for you. Or maybe you just have to accept that getting intimate with the PC more than with your wife isn't that bad (I'm sure this is the case with lots of men). I work from home [youtube.com], so I know what I'm talking about.
(Score: 2) by Snow on Tuesday December 02 2014, @10:22PM
Thanks for the support.
We actually cut back her hours -- now she works only 4 days per week. Since that I've been doing A LOT better (like 3-4 times/week when not on her period). Also, I have a date tomorrow! It's my first date in like 13 years...
We'll see how things go. I just know that If I don't go down this road I'll forever be wondering "What if...". Stay tuned... I'll post another journal in a week or so.
-- Snow
(Score: 2) by hendrikboom on Tuesday December 30 2014, @04:20PM
Maybe buy something nice for her (man, I hate that too, buying lingerie and "stuff", but it might help).
It's not about the "buying". Buying in order that she'll have sex with you is treating her like a whore.
It's about being "nice" to her. Doing things that she likes. That doesn't require buying, though it doesn't exclude it.