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turgid
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Journal of turgid (4318)

The Fine Print: The following are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.
Friday April 07, 23

Alien Abductions

03:19 PM
/dev/random

Why haven't I been abducted by aliens?

I'd really appreciate a flight to Sirius, Alpha Centauri, Betegeuse or Vega. I'd settle for the Moon or Mars, actually. Saturn's moons would be fun. I'd like to examine their antigravity/warp drives and ask them all sorts of questions about the Maths and Physics they needed to discover to make it all work, plus how they create the convex curvature of spacetime.

It would be the trip of a lifetime. It always happens to someone else, though.

It's not fair!

Update: I still haven't been abducted by aliens.

Alien Abductions | Log In/Create an Account | Top | 31 comments | Search Discussion
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The Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.
(1)

  • (Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @03:57PM (7 children)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @03:57PM (#1300341)

    ...but the price of admission is a bit of anal probing. Or, at least that is what I've been told.

    • (Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @04:58PM (3 children)

      by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @04:58PM (#1300350)

      ...but the price of admission is a bit of anal probing. Or, at least that is what I've been told.

      You say that like it's a bad thing. ;)

      • (Score: 1, Interesting) by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @06:12PM (2 children)

        by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @06:12PM (#1300365)

        It is! [wikipedia.org]

        • (Score: 2) by DannyB on Friday April 07, @06:50PM (1 child)

          by DannyB (5839) Subscriber Badge on Friday April 07, @06:50PM (#1300371) Journal

          That's only for illegal aliens. He would be legal. Or barely legal.

          --
          How often should I have my memory checked? I used to know but...

          • (Score: 1) by Runaway1956 on Friday April 07, @07:17PM

            by Runaway1956 (2926) Subscriber Badge on Friday April 07, @07:17PM (#1300387) Homepage Journal

            Yeah, when you've been impregnated via anal probe, and the baby eats it's way out through your chest, you'll be singing a different tune!!

            --
            Abortion is the number one killed of children in the United States.

    • (Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @05:28PM

      by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @05:28PM (#1300357)

      If "abducted" means becoming a between-meals snack.

    • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @07:39PM (1 child)

      by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @07:39PM (#1300398)

      Terry Bisson wrote the ultimate explanation for why you have not been abducted [youtube.com], Turgid. You're "Made of
      Meat".

      “They’re made out of meat.”

      “Meat?”

      “Meat. They’re made out of meat.”

      “Meat?”

      “There’s no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They’re completely meat.”

      “That’s impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?”

      “They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don’t come from them. The signals come from machines.”

      “So who made the machines? That’s who we want to contact.”

      “They made the machines. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.”

      “That’s ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You’re asking me to believe in sentient meat.”

      AI is easy. But thinking meat? Pshaw!

      The out come:

      Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing.”

      “I was hoping you would say that.”

      “It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?”

      “I agree one hundred percent. What’s there to say? ‘Hello, meat. How’s it going?’ But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?”

      “Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can’t live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact.”

      “So we just pretend there’s no one home in the Universe.”

      “That’s it.”

      “Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You’re sure they won’t remember?”

      “They’ll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we’re just a dream to them.”

      “A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat’s dream.”

      “And we marked the entire sector unoccupied.”

      “Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?”

      “Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again.”

      “They always come around.”

      “And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone…”

      Drake equation explained! And the smoothness of the meat of conservatives.

  • (Score: 5, Insightful) by istartedi on Friday April 07, @04:08PM (3 children)

    by istartedi (123) on Friday April 07, @04:08PM (#1300344) Journal

    Either the light barrier can be broken, or it can't. Either way the implications are staggering. Right now the smart money says it can't be broken with any attainable amount of energy. Even the best Alcubierre-based solution requires ridiculous energy, the mass equivalent being measured in terms of planets. IIRC, it used to involve exotic matter too but some physicist was able to improve it and take that out--but still, got any spare asteroids to convert ENTIRELY in to energy and somehow harness correctly without baking the Solar System?

    --
    Appended to the end of comments you post. Max: 120 chars.

    • (Score: 3, Interesting) by turgid on Friday April 07, @05:37PM (1 child)

      by turgid (4318) Subscriber Badge on Friday April 07, @05:37PM (#1300358) Journal

      it used to involve exotic matter too but some physicist was able to improve it and take that out--but still

      Don't you need something with negative mass to expand spacetime behind your craft and then somehow surf on the gravity wave? As a bonus, you also get a perpetual motion machine.

      • (Score: 3, Interesting) by istartedi on Friday April 07, @09:37PM

        by istartedi (123) on Friday April 07, @09:37PM (#1300412) Journal

        Here's a layman's view [popularmechanics.com] of what we were told is the way to get rid of the exotic matter/energy problem. Of course the article is still talking about Jupiter mass energy equivalent, so I was a bit off.

        --
        Appended to the end of comments you post. Max: 120 chars.

    • (Score: 2, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @06:37PM

      by Anonymous Coward on Friday April 07, @06:37PM (#1300369)

      Easy way to prove the light barrier can be broken:

      1. Find alien spacecraft buzzing around Earth.

  • (Score: 3, Funny) by Mojibake Tengu on Friday April 07, @04:28PM

    by Mojibake Tengu (8598) on Friday April 07, @04:28PM (#1300348) Journal

    Be careful what you wish for, lest it come true.

    I'd rather be careful about Sirius, for it is commonly known in several ancient cultures' astrologies/mythologies as a Dog Star.
    In China, Sirius ( 天狼星, Tiānlángxīng, literally Sky Dog Star) is believed to be home of 狼人 (Lángrén), a nation of celestial werewolf people who traditionally feed on humans.

    Egyptian god Anubis is supposed to be one of them.

    Though confusion between kynoceph and werewolves is traditionally disputable: and https://www.historicmysteries.com/dog-headed-men/ [historicmysteries.com]
    But, I suppose the source of this confusion is in they are technically able to disguise themselves as humans, just like celestial foxes (Hulijing) or other fairies can do.
    By some legends, one of those werewolves in human disguise even served as a minister of Astronomy at court of King Zhang of Shang dynasty (about 1000 B.C.) and was exposed as a non-human after decades of loyal service. I consider this one an alien researcher of human sociology, not a beast.

    So, be food or pet, YMMV.

    Also, Betelgeuse may be somewhat physically unstable these days, traveling over there is generally not recommended even if it still exists.

    --
    The edge of 太玄 cannot be defined, for it is beyond every aspect of design

  • (Score: 2) by DannyB on Friday April 07, @06:51PM (4 children)

    by DannyB (5839) Subscriber Badge on Friday April 07, @06:51PM (#1300372) Journal

    ⠀

    --
    How often should I have my memory checked? I used to know but...

  • (Score: 2) by DannyB on Friday April 07, @07:07PM (10 children)

    by DannyB (5839) Subscriber Badge on Friday April 07, @07:07PM (#1300377) Journal
    • What base is your number system? What appendages were typically used for primitive counting before computers?
    • Does your interstellar propulsion technology use unleaded?
    • When did you finally rid yourselves of COBOL? Were you able to do it before your civilization experienced its dreaded Y10K changeover to 5 digit years?
    • Was your population able to upload itself into a super AI cloud, or were you stuck with internet service from Comcast?
    • Were your scientists able to remotely determine if Earth is some other planet's version of hell?
    --
    How often should I have my memory checked? I used to know but...

    • (Score: 2) by turgid on Friday April 07, @07:31PM (6 children)

      by turgid (4318) Subscriber Badge on Friday April 07, @07:31PM (#1300397) Journal

      Has Jesus been yet?

      • (Score: 3, Informative) by Mojibake Tengu on Saturday April 08, @12:42AM (1 child)

        by Mojibake Tengu (8598) on Saturday April 08, @12:42AM (#1300437) Journal

        "Sorry, but we do not worship nor vote for a convicted felon."

        --
        The edge of 太玄 cannot be defined, for it is beyond every aspect of design

        • (Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Monday April 10, @02:03PM

          by Anonymous Coward on Monday April 10, @02:03PM (#1300749)

          I gather you're not a Republican then.

      • (Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Sunday April 09, @09:00AM (3 children)

        by Anonymous Coward on Sunday April 09, @09:00AM (#1300610)

        Space Jesus is a Mormon thing, he comes from Planet Kolob! This is why I always say that the Church of Ladder Day Smurfs is really just 19th century Scientology.

        • (Score: 1) by khallow on Sunday April 09, @03:51PM (2 children)

          by khallow (3766) Subscriber Badge on Sunday April 09, @03:51PM (#1300655) Journal
          With less lawsuits.

          • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Sunday April 09, @06:03PM (1 child)

            by Anonymous Coward on Sunday April 09, @06:03PM (#1300662)

            fewer

            • (Score: 1) by khallow on Monday April 10, @02:23AM

              by khallow (3766) Subscriber Badge on Monday April 10, @02:23AM (#1300703) Journal
              True. I keep doing that. Remember getting corrected for that back when I was getting a masters degree. Clearly, the lesson stuck.

    • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 08, @12:36AM

      by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 08, @12:36AM (#1300436)

      We're still on AOL and MySpace.

    • (Score: 1, Funny) by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 08, @01:07PM (1 child)

      by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 08, @01:07PM (#1300495)

      What base is your number system? What appendages were typically used for primitive counting before computers?

      We have 3 fingers on each hand, so we use base 7.

      • (Score: 0) by Anonymous Coward on Monday April 10, @02:00PM

        by Anonymous Coward on Monday April 10, @02:00PM (#1300747)

        My race has two penises, so we use base 8.

  • (Score: 2) by RamiK on Saturday April 08, @01:22AM (1 child)

    by RamiK (1813) on Saturday April 08, @01:22AM (#1300442)

    boarding....

    --
    compiling...
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